What About My Life?

Hi, I hope all is well. So, it’s summer now. I have a younger brother with autism. I was okay with spending a couple hours with him each day after school where we have imaginative play with his action figures (he prefers nothing else) and some homework that I can manage to plan. Now, it’s too much for me to be with him the whole day. I want to do my things, and I can’t even find the time to leave the house to uphold my gym membership.

We live with our grandparents because our parents couldn’t raise us, and my grandparents have household responsibilities and limited English to occupy my younger brother. He’s constantly on his device otherwise.

I’m at a breaking point. I’ve just started to get my life together through gaining work experience, so I’m too tired to juggle all this when he needs my time and attention . It hurts because I was neglected in my childhood, feeling resentment towards my parents. Now, I feel to be on the wrong side and I’m resenting myself for neglecting him. My main concerns are to help him grow as a person, to find ANYTHING to allow him to play independently (he won’t, he finds it boring) and to make myself feel like a picture perfect sibling.

I have a younger sister also with educational needs, who lives with my parents. I want to build my relationship with her again, but I know not much about her and she doesn’t answer my questions in depth. She also has picked up bad habits from her mother (swearing, lying, not taking accountability, financial inconsistencies and such). Whenever we’re together, she complains about anything and seeks advice from me, which I’m happy to give, but sometimes I snap because it’s all it ever is now. That, or she is very unfiltered.

It’s not a good time with either of them before, and I know it wasn’t always like this, but I don’t understand what has changed. Perhaps that I’m being with them too much now since out of education due to stress? I gave up my friends. I can’t move forward like this. I’m messing up my sleep schedule and energy over this. I want to throw everything away, even though I’m finally going in the right direction for other aspects in my life. I feel held back, and I hate it.

I thought my sister and I would vibe more since we’re closer in age, and that my younger brother would at least have more of an understanding since he has somewhat grown, even though he has behavioural issues that are a total nightmare… I was proven wrong. I might not ever drag myself out of this. I’m tired and worthless, but actually laying it out like this makes me feel better. I just want to be better. I need help, and to accept that I’ll constantly be a nuisance with the baggage I throw on others, like my sister does. I can’t help them if I can’t help myself. Why am I even living here? (Not suicidal, since that’s a dark route I’ve taken before.) I’m so so sorry for this post.