Feeling rather alone and inadequate

@bluePineapple9573

Oh my?! You seem to really care about your father but he is complicating things it seems and leaving you a bit overwhelmed. I hope you find a way to balance your family life with your dad's life. I think you should realize that you too are a priority too.. 🌲

You have been skirting the issue he needs support of some sort. He needs to pick.

Could you draw up the options and present them with your sister.

I don’t like facing unpleasant realities your dad seems to be like me in that regard.

I told my dad he was starving and said he need to go into hospital to be fed for a chance of recovery. He preferred to watch tv at home in a terminal direction. He had been ill for two years so I understand even though it was not what I wanted. I miss him. But you need to set boundaries like I did with telling my dad he was starving. I knew my dad would have to fight to regain mobility for which he needed all the muscle he had. My responsibility was to tell him he was starving so he could accept help if he wanted it.

Sorry I don’t have a helping hat on. I am emotional.

I hope my ramblings help in some way.

@bluePineapple9573

I used to work directly with seniors, many of whom were experiencing memory loss.  I also used to talk to their adult children who were hanging by a thread trying to balance their lives while caring for a parent in pain.

If nobody has looked you in your eyes and let you know you are an amazing child and scary powerful for what you're managing to do already, let it be me.  I lost both parents fairly young to long illnesses.  Trying to be there every second I could, the constant worrying, watching illness up close, and juggling all of it with my own life caused me long term damage.  However hard what you've said sounds, I know for a fact it's harder.  You have earned every bit of my respect for doing what you're doing and keeping everything together.

My parents were very stubborn about admitting they were as sick as they were or accepting help.  A big part of it was they REFUSED to burden their children.  They couldn't step outside of their role as parents no matter how old we were.  They would act and talk like everything was fine and my worry was dramatic, and then they'd end up frustrating me to tears when they needed help.  It was entirely because they loved me like I was still 10 years old and needed to be shielded from painful reality at all costs.  Sometimes it's not pride or dignity or stubborness that causes them to frustrate us.  It's them being incapable of seeing us as anything other than the child they want to protect from watching them struggle.  They yo-yoed between keeping us in the dark and pushing us away and being incredibly dependent on us when we were the only resource when help was needed.  The whiplash is crazy, but it can be an unintentional byproduct of their profound love for you.  Realizing that helps a lot with resentment and those angry moments you might have from time to time.

It was really horrible feeling because I also didn't like stepping outside my pocket as the child, but at a point, my speaking truth to my parents was as much an act of love to protect them as what they were doing to me.

I said, listen up, knuckleheads.  I'm not stupid.  I can see you doing all kinds of nonsense to avoid letting me and yourselves know we've reached the time where it's my turn to care for you.  I know it's hard for you to accept.  I know you think it's even harder for me to accept.  What's actually hard for me is playing this game with you where we all pretend this is Sesame Street and nothing bad happens, and I go home and get gray hairs worrying about you because pretending you're fine doesn't make me forget it's a lie.

Protecting me, really and truly, requires honesty about your situation and your willingness to work with outside resources to help me get the best care for you so I can sleep at night.  I know you believe I'm all you need.  I don't believe I'm all you need.  And that's hurting me.  I am trying to be everything I know I'm not, and I feel like I'm failing.  It is affecting me in every part of my life, and I know you don't want that.  You want me to be happy and healthy, and I'm telling you the only way to do that is to meet me in the middle where we explore care options that allow me to be at my best for you and convince me that you are safe at all times whether I'm there or not.  

It's a tough conversation, but when it's based on acknowledging the root cause of all frustration and exhaustion is both parties loving each other too much, it's not hurtful and both parties listen.  It is okay to tell your dad, "I'm sorry, I know you are the one struggling, but this is NOT all about you because I love you."  It sounds bad, but when I said it, my mom started listening and becoming open to outside help.  It feels so selfish to say, but remember everything you're asking him to do to help you is so you can be the caring child he deserves.  That is far from selfish and far from weak.

One resource I'd recommend checking out are any little local churches around you.  I don't know if you or your dad are religious or open to interacting with religious bodies, but it's usually not an issue at all for the church if you are or not.  My church is itty bitty, but we have a thing where we visit our elderly neighbors, chit chat, bring them homemade food, help them around the house, whatever they need.  There is no religious talk involved unless they invite that kind of thing.  It's just a thing where we become aware of someone in our town who might need help, so we volunteer if it's wanted.  It's just neighbors looking out for neighbors.  No cost, no obligations.  I would bet a lot of other churches do the same thing.  It doesn't matter if you are an absolute stranger, at least in my experience.  It's about doing right by your community.  Your dad may be a little more open to a neighbor who identifies with him on a lot of things popping by than a paid professional.  There might be a little more trust there.

@bluePineapple9573

I don’t have a family/any specific family members (that I know about anyway) that has the same or similar situation that your elderly dad has. I’m sorry he’s going through that and hopes he fully recovers. 

I’m very happy that you meet with a therapist even if it’s via Zoom. It is very helpful depending on how good and experienced the therapist is. If you feel it’s helping you I’d continue with that and if possible I’d try to increase the number of sessions you had so instead of being periodically they’d be once or twice a week. 

I’m socially isolated and never had any friends. Whether that means I’m just socially isolated and lonely or a socially isolated lonely introvert idk honestly. I do know that never being me social anxiety disorder. And living with all of this for the longest time now bc I’m past 35 now. 

I know it’s common for people who’ve been through any one of these things for years, months or weeks, maybe even days, would’ve done or think/imagine doing something extreme to others and/or themselves. Idk why or how I’ve stayed away from that but somehow I’ve managed to all these many years. And I’m very proud of myself for that. 

I’m happy for finding and joining this great friendly community too bc it’s the only place where I’m accepted by others and have friends ❤️❤️❤️