Are they really Friends!?
I would put it in short.. Some friends (Probably more) are responsible for the mess I am in today.. I am open to forgiving each of them without asking them to apologise.. but not unless they accept it all.. all they did all they are doing.. but none of them really has guts accept it.. This whole thing creates an image in my mind of how superior i am to them(i don't like it but can't help) coz in every friendship whenever (if ever) i made a mistake i raised my hand and accepted it.. but i won't stop untill i find my answers i don't care what all i have to lose in career or relations but one thing that crosses my mind every now and then is.. i have so many friends all of them seemed nthing less than family to me once.. but this day when they see i m in trouble.. without exception for all of them, the value of their pride far exceeds the Value of their friend's mental state that is deteriorating each day beyond repair.. Not that it's something that stops me from living but you see breathing 15 times/min isn't the only definition of life? i miss my old self.. but i have kept it far and protected in hope of the times changing and good times returning..
I have heard it's the later half of our Teenage that shapes us into the man we grow into..But if it is anything to go by.. I don't see myself having friends or even any close relationship besides my family..
A lot of times my mind tells me that there is someone who Hates humans and is creating such situations around me since almost 2yrs now.. so as to make me hate humans as much by turning everyone whom I know against me.. It feels i m not a human but i m being made into a deadly weapon who when grows up would seek nothing but demolition of human race at large.. I m in a fight with myself and such environment before me.. But as time keeps passing my hold over my own thoughts loosens even more.. The hatred is growing and growing.. When i was a kid i wanted to grow up to be a doctor.. During middle school i developed love for coding at the same time,at high school i had to make a choice between the two of them and chose medical coz i knew i cud still learn code as a hobby.. but that very dream seems a danger.. to be becoming a medical professional who hates humans for their very existence.. Some days i just pray to God if ever i m about to do smthing that would bring Shame to my family or community.. just before that please let me die a respectful death in a road accident.. so that the world remembers me for the vast potential i posssesed to help the community, not the hatred i beared within me.. But i don't know i feel i can cure myself but i have always felt this way but to no benefit.. Things are worsening for me.. If anyone of you has seen the family guy animated series.. I maybe around 20 but a part of my mind is same as that of stewie and that part keeps on growing no matter how much i suppress it.. it stayed quiet for 2 years of my Teenage where i would try to give love to everyone but with 2021 again the same hatred.. I m tired of my own self.. can't even say if i m mentally ill coz my intelligence never took a drop, instead increased all this time..
I don't wish to be a weapon to anyone else but every time i try to suppress it I can't deny how true and senseful it should be for me to hate everyone.. coz Everyone whom i have ever befriended and did so much for.. not even one would help me out.. If there's someone who i would blame upon all this it's my friend circle.. all of them.. coz nobody came up to help me out.. with each passing day i am a bigger monster than i was yesterday and i have seen in movies how most villains use people like me for their own interests and cause trouble.. I don't wanna be anyone's weapon.. I am writing this only for anyone who reads this just know I am trying so hard to suppress it but if i fail to do so I hope you anyone who reads it remember that i tried.. I joined 7cups community hoping to see people ij bigger troubles than me and help them out and distract myself from my own troublesome thoughts.. the former is being fulfilled.. the latter doesn't work..
I am not expecting any replies for everything i just vented out, just let me know would you all really consider such people your friends who are probably working for someone mightier and turning me from a human to weapon!? Would you?
I really need help but from the outer world, i can easily sense who all are sent by my friend circle itself and just hate om them more for the way they are trying to control me... they have even installed a parental control software with permission frm my parents in my phne and watch over me 24*7, but with online education there's still at least 1 year before i find my way out of this place..
Peace and blessings! Thank you for venting such relatable details and sharing your truths. I believe your title says it all and totally targets the main (targeted) issue. "ARE THEY REALLY FRIENDS?"
I am sorry about your negative experiences and feeling like someone's weapon, but you're not alone in this--- I've been there , too.
First, I applaud and celebrate your acknowledgements. You took accountability for your own journey, yet have the strength and wisdom to recognize that your circle was so unhealthy. This reminds me to remain focused, observant, and careful about MY own circle...which is now a dot....and I'm standing on that dot. Pretty much. And to answer your question : no, I wouldn't.
We must definitely manage that circle /dot. Friendship and relationships are so important...but understanding the true meaning of friendship is even more critical. And it sounds like you are owning that. I am too, on this journey. Let's keep going!
Yes, I agree. Helping others truly helps ourselves grow. We may need to take an eagle-eye approach to our goals and intentions of distracting ourselves with it (at times). It can often lead to further disappointment. But I totally understand and get your reasons. :-) If I may offer a Lil encouragement: stay resilient and keep that warm heart to help others. Continue to find balance ...a healthy balance.
May I ask:
+ What is your personal definition of "friendship" ?
+ What are your methods of coping through this final year that is left for you?
I wish you the very best on this journey. Each day is closer to your release from your that situation....one day at a time. Stay blessed!
Okay its nice to know i m not alone.. Thanks for your words of encouragement..
1. First of all friendship for me means many things like
a)not talking bad or making fun of your friend behind their backs..
b) Being honest with each other & being very clear abt stuff we are not open to share instead of lying abt it.
c) Never doing anything to them that would make us feel bad if done to us.
d) Not give unnecessary advices in my personal stuff unless i ask or i tell them the entire story
e) being a straightforward clear worded critic whenever required than a sweet talker waiting for the opportunity to sabotage the bond
f) irrespective of how old we get, the foundations of the bond should be same as that of a 10yr old i.e. 100% commitment, loyalty
g) Defending your friend behind their back whenever the situation calls upon.
h) NEVER TAKING ANY DECISION UNILATERALLY FOR YOUR FRIEND WITHOUT CONSULTING HIM.
i) Knowing we all make mistakes and accepting them is what makes us a better human so not reminding them every now and then of those mistakes made in the past long ago.. Not at least to someone who accepts his mistake prima facie if he realises it!
j) if ever a situation comes where it's us vs the world i would want my friend to chose us. we maybe less in number but that won't matter with our vast will power.. it's like if we go down,we go down together.
... etc. i think this much is enough.. I think a lot of it would be suitable for a spouse too but anyway.. all these are a must for me to have a friend.. up until this day only 3 childhood friends have met all these requirements at once but in the present scenario it's hard for me to reconnect with them as much.. & unfortunately 2 of them have already violated (d) unnecessary advice & (g) not defended while 3rd just can't stay in touch regularly.. another sort of childhood but kinda new female frnd also fulfils all the requirements other than (b) saying a Clear No instead of lying while my crush doesn't meet the criteria on (h) unilateral decision making and (j) choosing us.. in us vs world
2. I have no idea.. to let you know i suffer (or rather enjoy) from harbouring multiple personalities (3 + 1) within me.. i talk to myself and decide what to do next..
whatever they do decides how this year will pan out.. but i won't just won't become anyone's weapon of hatred.. whoever that person is controlling me or my friends i wanna let him/her know.. I would remain an independent individual and next year i m gonna find better people would never let em be mixed with these ones.. you will fail in your purpose..
Nor would i take any bad step that brings embarrassment to my family or suffering to humanity.. not until the day,4 of us stay united.. I feel like i m fighting my friends but in truth they are nthing but pawns of someone(an out of the world figure) they have no Idea of..it's more like there's a black magic spell on all of us.. i just hope those people snap out of it sooner than later..
i have consistent dreams of belonging to another type of people and reminding me that at age 31 i would be called upon in my world.. but one common thing in both worlds is my crush.. and all these dreams only started after abt 2mnths of talking to her... and never left.. i have no Idea why?
Thanks for taking out time to read it all.
& Thank you so much for everything once again.