A sense of burn out.

I've been here for about 3 years and I don't use this website a lot. Now I'm 18. This is a long rant, I just want to write out my feelings... Because I'm just... Tired, extremely so.

Lately, I've found out just how meaningless and vain my friendships have been.

I've grown up surrounded by the same group of people, we went to school together and even now entered university together. It's been more than a decade that I have known some of them; pretty much the whole life I can remember.

Going through this journey of life with them, I've always been one who is an "outcast" of sorts. They don't talk to me if I don't take initiative, they don't pay me any mind. I'm just there. Ignored.

I tried to "rationalize" this issue as me being boring and uninteresting as a person. I tried to be more friendly, getting out of my comfort zone even though I'm an introvert. I tried to research what my "friends" liked, learning about it so I can have common topics to talk about with them.

But all this effort was, in the end, for nothing. I was making myself uncomfortable, yet it was still the same treatment, I was just not enough. Or so I thought.

My self-esteem hit an all time low, I hated even looking at myself. I found myself to be this bland, blank person, like an empty paper.

I didn't give up on making friends, I had two people who actually sometimes started a conversation with me. I thought I could stick with them. This was about three years ago.

Now though, I've realized how wrong I was.

Those two friends, they both suffer from depression, they had unfortunate circumstances. They came to me to talk about their problems. I was happy, they trusted me enough to share such personal thoughts after all, right?

Well, it's been about two years since they started talking to me about it. I'd talk to them day and night, for hours, trying to console them. My nerves being on edge trying not to choose the wrong words so as not to trigger them. Especially the times when they kept talking to me about "leaving".

I've had my fair share of problems these past two years, but I didn't have anyone to share them with, I didn't even bring them up to those two. I didn't want to burden them. I just kept holding it in. Like what I always do.

Well, on the contrary, I thought that instead of letting them wallow in their own thoughts alone, I should do an activity together.

I made up plans, walks, movie nights, games, reading... Etc, I took their interests into account, and I wanted to invite them.

First time, they didn't want to.

Second time, they were busy.

Third time, their family doesn't allow them.

...

I've lost count at this point. Many times they would agree and I would go to the place we agreed on meeting after dressing up, and I would be there alone. One time, the excuse they gave me was, "they had forgotten".

...

Another thing they'd do is asking me for help when studying, or help with learning English. I'd spend hours looking for suitable materials for them, and making notes in order to help them. Yet they sometimes didn't even look at what I sent them.

...

I felt unappreciated. They did say thank you after the hours of listening I did for them. Yet, I just didn't feel any sincerity from them. It seemed like I was only a tool for them to feel better.

Even when I told them that I wanted to hang out together with them for me, that I was the one who wanted to have fun. They didn't want to. 

I've been spending the last months, even perhaps years, isolated. Just in bed, doing nothing. None of my "friends" even wanted to do anything together.

The same friends, even the ones with depression, who rejected me, would post statuses of them going out with other people. Eating, playing around, doing all sorts of things.

...

Honestly I don't know how I have been living like this... I know that friendship isn't that necessary to some people. But for me, I really do want someone that I can talk to freely, I really wanted a friend who could look out for me, and I could look out for them.

...

The whole reason that I've been on this rant though. Is this; I've found out the reason why I have been isolated.

It took me so long to realize because I ignored it, and I even avoided it. I didn't want to believe it, because if I did I felt like it would make me seem stuck up, prideful, and condescending.

They were jealous... ? I mean, I hardly believe this myself.

I have always done well on the academic side. And it seemed that those who grew up with me were... compared.

They didn't like me because of what their parents said.

Thinking about it, I should have realized, because when they got a better grade than me, they would talk to me more. Otherwise, I was ignored.

...

Is this fair? I really don't know, I hate myself for being an object their parents used to "motivate" them. I know that you can't tolerate a person like that, you can even turn the slightest thing they do into something you hate.

I never thought this would be the case. On the contrary, I was jealous of them; after all, they had such a good social life, while I did not.

...

I'm so tired of trying to please them, and trying to fit into their standards.

When I recently found out the reason, I had a sudden urge to sabotage my grades in order to get closer to them. But I won't do that.

And I made a decision; I don't want those friends anymore. I don't hate them, but I just can't bear the thought of putting myself down anymore for them. I don't want to put more effort into people who will betray my trust. I don't think I can handle this anymore without my self-esteem and confidence completely broken.

If you have read up to this point, I would like to thank you. But I assume you haven't haha..