Making New Friends at Any Age Is Easier Than It Seems

"You know that friendships are important. You probably have seen research showing that strong social connections can lower our risk of a variety of emotional and physical illnesses, such as depression and high blood pressure. Yet research also shows that once you’re out of college, it becomes increasingly hard to make new friends.

But don't give up. It's actually not as hard as it seems to make new friends. It does, however, require a slight shift in perspective. And to make that shift, it's useful to understand the problem itself.

Why is it hard to make new friends as an adult?

The reasons are pretty basic. In college, there are lots of people your age all around you. You have a wide range of peers to choose from, and simple, straightforward ways to connect. When you graduate, you and your friends tend to go in different directions, but even when you stay in touch, it’s harder to find time to hang out or connect when you’re all taking on new jobs, a new apartment, new roommates, and new relationships.

Busy schedules also make it hard for adults to develop new friendships. You might have found some work buddies, but getting together for anything other than a drink after work is often complicated. You have other things going on in your life, and so do they. Personal relationships, children, and other commitments can interfere with the easy camaraderie of school friendships.

Changing expectations

As we go through different life stages, we often find that old friends are less available for a variety of reasons. Marjorie*, for instance, retired at the age of 65, but some of her friends were still working full-time and weren’t available to join her in her new, more relaxed life. She was still getting together with a group of friends for dinner or a glass of wine, but they couldn’t take a walk or go to the movies in the middle of the day.

She had always been a busy woman who was engaged in many different activities. Retirement gave her an opportunity to do more volunteer work, play tennis, take pilates more regularly, and read all of the books on her very long reading list. She also took a pottery class, which she enjoyed so much that she became a regular at the pottery studio.

One day she told me, “You know, the other day I realized that even though I’m not spending more time with my old friends, I’m never lonely. I’ve met all kinds of interesting people through my activities, and I go out for coffee or lunch with some of them on occasion. In the past, I don’t think I would have called these new acquaintances friends, because I don’t share deep thoughts or feelings with them, which is what I always expect to do with friends. But maybe I expect something different from friends these days.”

I asked Marjorie if she could explain what that might be. “I think I expect some friends to be able to share the deeper stuff with me,” she said after thinking for a few moments. “But I think other qualities can also be what makes a person a friend. Like enjoying an activity together or sharing ideas about future activities. We don’t always have to be talking about feelings, which is what I’ve usually expected. I realized that that kind of relationship takes time to develop. Maybe eventually some of these newer connections will deepen into what I have with my old friends, but it isn’t necessary.”

Changing both your definition and your expectations of friendship can make it easier to find and develop new relationships as you get older. Understanding that new friendships will have a different texture and quality from old ones, and giving new relationships time and space to develop, can make it easier to find new friends."

*It's very clear that we all become very busy as we get older with new jobs, children, and work and it can become difficult to see your old friends as much as you once used to. I am someone who values my friendships very deeply, so this article was very interesting for me. Once I got to the end, the underlying message made sense to me. I always believed that friendships had to be very deep and the connection had to be there before I could become close with them. This doesn't have to be the case at all! We can enjoy others' company and be friends with them without sharing our entire life stories right from the get-go. Friendships can vary between different people and what matters is that you are enjoying your time with that person. Try to reframe your thinking if you feel that this is how you may view friendships. How could you personally change your thought process to help make it easier to make friends at any age?*

#Friendships #MakingFriends #SocialConnections

Please find the full article at Psychology Today!

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