Done Being Kind to Others

My therapist mentioned before that people sometimes use kindness as a weakness, and he’s correct. I’ve always thought the world dislikes me for being kind and I can never “be myself”. Here it goes. 

A long-time friend from high school only texted for favors pre-2020, which began with help on math equations and nearly writing a letter of recommendation. Then in the pandemic year of 2020 the requests evolved to loan assistance and helping him repair his van. Obviously I had to say no, but I have never heard from him again for any reason. Both this “friend” and his younger sister have been blocked on my profiles since 2024. The younger sister asked me to be her boyfriend when I was a junior in high school even when I never dated her before and the following year I told her I had other dates for a presentation play but she kept messaging me anyway and then cried while texting in the foyer on the night of the play. But that’s not all. 

When I was in grad school, I brought a recent college graduate to an airport 90 miles away for him to catch a flight to an interview. I told him I had to study later and didn’t want further texts for rides but he messaged me at midnight the night before he returned for a ride home. He also wanted me to follow him on social media and I blocked him after he attempted 2-3 requests that I rejected every time. 

Now for more recent incidents. A coworker saw that I gave someone rides for work so he asked to live with me when his lease expired. But thankfully he didn’t pressure me any more when I told him to wait and he came back to his home country anyway due to a lapsed visa. I reluctantly added him afterwards on LinkedIn because he asked me to. 

Since I’m a man I’m usually demonized by women for any reason. But the people I’ve met on dating apps are all the other extreme and use my kindness as a reason to move too fast and show insecurities way before I meet them. So I ditched my only girlfriend in my 31 years of living at the start of 2025 and quit the apps that summer. I really don’t think there are any sensible or attractive single women left and in person dating is more draining because of my current situation and I hate not knowing important information beforehand. I never fully enjoyed dating but I get pressured because my friends don’t want me to be alone and I formed friendships with the opposite gender when I was younger even though it never materialized. But my former doctor told me about dating apps to deal with depression that led to my bad relationship and a psychologist who screened me last year recommended dating apps again. So they’re stupid too. I take on both real and perceived expectations to look perfect to women and get negative or overly-emotional reactions when I show my real self to my female-owned mental health group, coworkers, friends, and possible partners. 

I’m in hot water now that my boss has become sour lately and ridiculed my request for my coworkers to be quieter while I made up hours after Winter Storm Fern. Even when my boss recognized me as a standout employee for over 4 years she has abandoned me because her delicacies can’t handle my imperfections.  So I’m a bad employee because she is stupid too. Further proof that women of all kinds expect perfection from me. 

I struck down my best friend’s advice during his most recent visit to meet people since no one understands that people love to take advantage of me and leave problems unresolved. I can successfully form and keep friendships, but others’ needs/feelings are superior to mine and people abandon me as soon as I express any personal difference or updated needs. People like to use me up when I don’t have anything good to offer anyway and then act clueless when I get resentful. In dating, that’s part of why I fear intimacy and only attract insecure, clingy women. Something is wrong with me and it’s all my fault when these are the only people I attract when my hometown friends have beautiful spouses that often includes kids without much effort. I resent those who want me to blindly meet people, men or women. That’s not my thing and it’s safer personally to see pictures of beautiful women celebrities in private and then move forward with the day. Then I get maligned for being a superficial pig and they’re right. I also abhor complimenting women now because I’ve been criticized in my face and never know when I will get on their bad side even for something appropriate. I also suffered from a false sexual harassment claim at work and have been annoyed with myself when I have complimented women when my conscious told me otherwise and I’ve tried to attract them in ways that were just not right. So I am a terrible person undeserving of opposite-gender connections of any kind. 

My therapist was helpful like always in today’s chat but he believes my Spravato is waning because I stopped it in December due to appointment fatigue and an unpleasant reaction during the last dose. I’m sure he thinks any negative emotion should be hyper-medicated like everyone else does. Guess I should withdraw from as many people as possible, reject new friends like a retiring doctor refusing new patients, and become an angry, rude person because people question my good personality or use it as a license due to their stupidity and expect me to be like them. 

How can I cope with the unchanging facts of life? That kindness is weak and “be yourself” is a cruel double standard? Also, should I keep that coworker in my LinkedIn network who wanted to get in my space?