Don't know what to do

I thought I was over this but now it has come back and now i am not able to turn a blind eye to it. The Girl i am gonna talk about will be referred as S. It will be a bit of a long story.

I have known her from 5th grade but we were never friends. When the pandemic broke out, I was in 6th grade. I had onlone classes for 2 years. I lost contact from all my friends. I came across S at the end of 7th grade.

I took a liking of her from the start. We both soon became close friends in 8th and then became inseparable in the same year. I loved dpending time with her. When we used to chat, time would fly away in a flash. We had same intrests and likes( almost ). She has/had a friend at that time who I knew from the start because we were together in kindergarden. She never showed it but she was jealous of how close S and I were. And how she S chose me over her.

Then the drama began. For some reason S and I started getting in quarells. And always ended on a bad note. But we would get over it soon.

During our 8th grade finals something happened between S and her friend the day before our physics paper. They included me too in their mess. And because of that my physics and other exams went really bad.

I was furious. I wanted to forgive and forget. I thought of taking a break. But then i started ghosting S for i don't know what. I did not like it when she would try to talk to me or approach me.

She apaologized for a year. Asked for an explanation. But i didn't bother. Then S also started to stop caring slowly. We would despise each other for god knows what reason. But i could feel it in her every word that how much she was hurt. How she felt wrong. Like i became a big permanent scar on her heart( S said that ). How i was and will be her moon and something like that ( S said). I still acted like i didn't care.

In 10th grade, she was in the same class as me. I could never shake off the guilty feeling. I wanted to start over. Or at least end on a positive note. My other friend pushed me and told me to face her. So I told her everything and apologized. S forgive me just likee that. Forgive and forget just like that.

She talks normally with me now. We are in different classes right now because of our different choice of subject. But, i can't getvover it because i feel like i was the villian all along. I can think straight while talking to her. I am scared of initiating conversation. I get a feeling she does not like me. But, even though i have many friends and people to talk to, I never had that level of fun with anyone else( except my cousin sister ).

I really need some thoughts and solitions regarding this.

Sorry, it was soo long. I appericiate you a lot for taking time out of your daily routine to read this. I am truly grateful.

Thanks and take care! 💙

Laters!!🌸