Grief and Friendship

Hello.

I don't want to say my name here, but you can call me Andre. I'm a 23 year old man.

The text might seem long, it's a bit about my life. If you find too long, just skip to the last three paragraphs.

It's3:30AM where I live, and I wake up 5:30. Baked a cake to sell at work for the first time, due to a suggestion from some coworkers...

Well, sharing a bit about my story and some context. I'm a freelance worker, last week there was no demand for me, so I stayed home. But every time I have these breaks, I feel a bit anxious about returning.

Countless thoughts flow into my mind and solidify like rocks, threatening to crack my skull.

Some of them are due to friendship, others due to grief, both somewhat correlated.

I'm 23. When I was 18, during the pandemic, I was going through a rough time. Parents divorcing, and since they worked for government, it was actually like paid vacation for them, so they went out a lot, trying to save the marriage. They also invited my uncle and aunt, and my kid cousin into the house

It was crammed, and noisy. My uncle was sleeping in my bedroom, which was narrow and crammed already

Besides, I had to take care of my younger brother and cousin, and the house, as my uncle and aunt were mostly doing some gigs to earn money

My education was ignored and neglected by everyone. My peers, teachers, family, etc. Cheating was implicitly encouraged

But I think I tapped too much. At that time, I was going through depression. On the first day of school, I felt sick and left the bus to puke. But then, two guys tried to drag me into an alley, to rob me or worse probably. Panicking, I pushed one of them until he fell and didn't got up. I fled and entered the first bus I saw

Time moved on, I was anxious about meeting them, and the possibility of having ended one of them was eating me from the inside.

My best friend was also going through depression, and I tried my best to help her, even if I myself wasn't okay. I was always next to her, doing everything in my power

The pandemic came, and slowly things got worse and worse. I tried going to a deputy station about the incident, they helped me file a register, but it was left as it is

Guilt corroded my soul, as the months flew by. Problems at home, my neglected education and distant friendships slowly poisoned me

Then I met a friend in an app, and she was like an oasis in a desert. She both listened me and helped me understand myself better. For the first time, I felt heard and seen

I only met her for seven months, but we had a really deep bond. She even flew from another state to meet me when I was in a really bad day

However, she passed away next year due to covid. And I have a weight in my heart because the last time we had contact was because of an argument we had

She went to meet a relative that was sick, because he wasn't taking care of himself, even when instructed to. Because of him, she also got sick and passed away in the hospital

I think I wrote too much already. I'm tired, I'll try to shorten things. It's been a few years already, two months from now, I'll have the same age she had. Every year since then, I feel down in different periods between november-may.

This year fees heavier since I'll be as old as she was, and from now on, I'll outgrown her. It's as if time time is telling me she is getting frozen in place, and I'm forced to move forward. It's also sad that I only met her personally twice, and I have forgotten her voice and face

My memory was always bad, but this was like a punch in my gut

That's the grief part

I have four friends, for more than ten years, they've been the only friends I made, since middle school. Two of them and me were an inseparable trio, and the other two I met separately

I've seen my friends slowly growing distant in every sense of the word. Physically, mentally, emotionally, etc

I mean, I get it. We're adults now, we have our own routines, relationships, etc. But not sending messages for more than one year (2 of them), or not replying for weeks is too much

Besides, I was the first one to get a job, and even then, I've done my best to always meet them a couple times a month, or chat with them every week. I decreased my efforts when I saw it was not reciprocate

It's worse for my female friends. I'm a guy by the way. When they got boyfriends, they abruptly stoped meeting me, texting me, etc. Logically, I understood.

Better to avoid jealousy and not get in the bad side of their boyfriends. Besides, I'm just the friend, while the other guys are the boyfriends. They will spend more time, efforts and thoughts with them

Yes, my thoughts are petty, self deprecating and ugly. But I don't want to fool my heart. I have a bit of resentment for having them treat me like this when we have a 10+ years friendship. They saved my life and I saved their lives, both literally and metaphorically. With all my friends, I had a very rich amount of life experiences with them

Even in the past, I would walk around 30km to meet one of them, when I didn't have money for transport. Why can't they just text? It's not much effort

And once again, back to my female friends. They say they miss me, while they are in social events with other people, and always creating excuses to not meet.

I realized my friendship with these three people is mostly nostalgic and a souvenir nowadays, than something concrete

I catch myself missing my deceased friend more and more, while wishing I didn't meet the others, if we're fated to end like this

Well, that's it. Despite everything, I want to try to meet a friend. I'm not sure if I sounded like a petty, lowly person, but those were the thoughts in my heart and mind, I try to be honest about them, even if they seem ugly

I'm asocial, and mostly never feel lonely. I'm living in a perpetual state of solitude and peace for a few years already. I like to be by myself, meditate and be introspective. I also have no desire to have a romantical relationship or have kids

All these factors contribute to me being someone naturally withdrawn. But still, I'd like to try making a new friend. I mostly work or stay at home to study programming or write fantasy books, or just relax