Heartbroken

Hello my name is Taty and this is my first post, I have borderline and I was diagnosed recently (about 1 year and a half ago) I have always had mental health "problems" since I was a baby due to life events and my disorder, which makes it difficult to make friends, I am very charismatic and people easily like me but I rarely like them and I never forced it, although I do not like being alone I never gave importance to friendships, when I was 23 years old I met an older girl who managed to bring down all my defenses, I started to trust her a lot and for the first time in my life I had a friendship, In a few months due to work I met a second girl but t his time younger than me, it seemed to me the perfect balance but then I started to have crises, during the first two years I was able to control a lot and only talk to them without dramas or anything... in 2022 my health got worse the crises got stronger and I ended up losing even my work, at that moment I need my friends but I was afraid of losing them so I continued to be there whenever they needed me, even though I was sick at home without talking to anyone else, but as it is obvious with time they began to "have” to deal with some crises(Anyone who enters my life to stay "forever" has to be aware of my health problem even for sec urity reasons of both parties) after all that it was just horrible moments, there were few moments because I was isolated but I realized as soon as the first friendship was already leaving (she always said that because of my health problem that she would never leave my life without at least talking to me, not for me to make her change her mind but for me to have a conclusion and for her too) we simply stop talking and I found out from 3 unknown girls in a group job interview that she and I were no longer friends, they commented on things that were impossible for them to know from anyon e other than her (I think I was more shocked by the fact that I believed that I was in control, by always choosing by hand who will or not be in my life, For believing that it was all my fault, I felt dumb ‘cause I should’ve known better my life experience should have been more than enough for me to see that I couldn’t trust her) 

It hurt and it still hurts a lot, after her I ended my friendship with the second girl because I could no longer trust, we talked and I told her that I could no longer continue with the friendship ... I feel that I closed myself again, and that this time I will not open .... All because I gave the wrong person the opportunity to come into my life ... at the moment I'm 26 years old, I do therapy regularly, and I learned a lot about myself with all this situation (trying to get something positive from this experience at least) as for example I didn't forgive anyone even if it causes me pain, I've only been able to learn now that the pains I feel the most are exactly the ones I can't "forget", the ones I can't move on, because I can't give up the lessons I learned in the wrong way. For me the lesson was "don't be stupid again, you know better than that, you already deal with people and much worse situations, this is nothing, just don't trust again"

I'm sorry for the long outburst...