Hey
@Macylou82 im sorry, i had to desapear from our last conversation, we were talking about felling sad seeing other ppl happy (my mom didn’t wanted me in the phone wile i was eating). Well, that feelings are normal and you are not alone, I know that sucks seeing someone being so happy wile you feel like trash, sometimes i feel like this. But also, sometimes is good, knowing one day, you will be (hopefully) one of those happy people who have a great life, I choose to think like that when I start to feel bad about it, even tho sometimes is not fair. I choose to cheer and be happy for them.
I hope that you’ll be one of those happy ppl someday, and I’ll be right there cheering for you, and being happy seeing you happy, cause I know you deserve that.
lots of hugs 🫂
-Amy
@Amymimy2711 Tysm lots of hugs fr.
@Macylou82 ykw that was a really *** response that i typed so ima try again even tho this one will prob suck too lol.
Tysm for taking the time to type these kind words, i hope one day we can both be super happy but for now we can feel like this sometimes together. Lots of hugs fr.
It’s fine. I’m sorry for my little outbreak the other day, I was really struggling and these last days were a total blurry for me, I wrote some letters (goodbye ones) and I thought it was the best for me at the moment. I didn’t had the courage to … and I decided that I maybe it’s not the right time, so i guess I’m gonna be your problem for some more time lol. I’m really sorry, but I’m grateful to have a friend like you Macy, and thanks for that. We will get better together, I hope so, and I also hope you’re feeling better, and we can talk soon.
Lots of hugs
-Amy
@Amymimy2711 Omg your alive. I have been so worried tysm for not having the courage. I get it tho fr I have those lil outbreaks every day but I never have the courage either tho. I'm so grateful to be your friend too, and I really do hope we can get better together fr. rn tho I can't really be on , but hopefully soon I will be back and we can talk like we used to. I miss you, hugs (if you want). Ily and you are amazing and strong remember that when your feeling down.
💕 I’m not on so much now too, school started yesterday and I’m busy as f, but I’m sure we will can talk better soon, I’ll remember that Macy, I’m gonna remember that and please, remember that I’m here for you too always ok? Ily <3, and when you need to vent please tell me.
-lots of hugs
Your friend, Amy (I love finishing this messages like letters btw, sorry lol)
@Amymimy2711 I hope school is going well fr, an I'll remember that your there for me if u remember im here for you. Ilysm too. Lots of hugs fr
Hey Macy. I’m sorry for today, I try to be supportive and help you, and I missed you a lot but I know I was acting weird, it’s been a tough week. Sorry, im sorry, i really want to help u and be here for you, as I said I’m always here for you, even tho some days I’m weird like this. Sorry if I was rude or anything like this, I tend to do those things, sorry.
-Amy
@Amymimy2711 Don't be sorry you weren't acting weird, I was. So I'm sorry for abruptly leaving and acting weird and not being sober for u. I hope we see each other soon again.
Macy are you alive? It’s been a while, what’s up with you? I’ve been busy, sorry :( I miss you
-Hugs Amy
@Amymimy2711 I'm still sadly alive and very much desiring to leave everyday lol. I miss u too, hope we see each other soon.
@Amymimy2711 how has school been though? Is it nicer being away from your mom or closer?
It is nice. I mean, I don’t talk to her much, and even though I feel guilty about it, is really cool to not have someone yelling at me all the time. School is stressful, but you know things are really getting better, I hope I don’t freak out again, but I can’t promise that cause I’ll be in my hometown again for some holidays soon, and my mom put me in some church camp or whatever. How are you? How are things going with your parents? Did you got your computer back?
@Amymimy2711 Yea I bet that's nice to not have to listen to all that yelling all the time. I hope things go well with your mom when you go home for holidays. How have I been?tbh really bad lemme see what's happened since we last talked... TW,,,,,,,,, alr so my parents already wanted me to see a counselor but then they found I sh and Want me to see a phycologist too and also are talking about enrolling me into this school that our church does next year and talking about getting me a tutor for math this year bc my grades are really low lately cause tbh I don't care about school I'm prepared to be gone by 18 anyway and things with me getting my computer back aren't looking good bc they went through everything on my phone. They found out the books I read aren't good books (in their standards) and that I look at depressing quotes online too so I wouldn't be surprised if they smashed my computer and threw it away but I am working hard to get my phone back and tbh I'm kinda close but idk when that will be. So yeah basically to sum it up life really sucks and continues to get worse.
Macy I’m so sorry! But honestly you don’t think that life could be less stressful if you’re going to see a therapist? They can really help you. And I really worry about you being alone all the time, not seeing ppl your age and that stuff, so yeah school is really terrible but…I want you to make friends, I don’t think that is a bad idea. I’m sorry for the phone situation and the books, I can relate, my mom hates when I read everything that is not the Bible, I know life sucks right now, but I hope that it doesn’t gets worse. How are you? I didn’t had much time to talk this days, but things are not bad. I mean, the teachers are not so much bad this year and things in my house are not so bad like last year, but my mom still stresses me a lot, she hates when I don’t answer her calls even that she knows I spend all day in school most of the week. And now my mental health, I don’t know how to explain, but everything feels gray. Everything (most of things) is okay but I can’t stop feeling this horrible feeling that something bad will happen. Also, my TW/////////eating disorders and and sh are “back” again and Iately my family and friends are talking a lot about the lgbt topic, they don’t know nothing about me but I feel they’re starting to notice because some boy at church was into me and I hated this situation so I was super rude or something like this, and i made the insane decision to bring my diary to the school (it wasn’t on purpose, I just wrote something important for the class and I was lazy to write again) and they annoyed me so much because they wanted to read it and I was so scared that I almost freaked out, idk, I just can’t keep doing all of this.
that is like a bit of what happened to me in those few days ago, but tell me how are you now? And youre going to school? Or The therapist?
- Hugs, Amy
(I miss you)
@Amymimy2711 ik it's not like I haven't been in therapy before either, cause I was put into therapy for a year when I was 6 for another mental disorder I have (I'm such a broken mess lol). Im mostly scared about the therapist telling my parents everything I say cause I don't want them to know everything, yk?
I'm glad school and home are a Lil better this year but I'm sorry your mom stresses you out still, I hope she'll chill out someday fr. And maybe that feeling of dread is just a feeling? I hope it is at least. TW,,,,,,,,,,,,, I'm so sorry your Ed and sh are back tho, pls eat and ss and yk I'm always here if you want to vent. And I'm sorry I can see why you would hate that situation and I can get that ppl don't know nothing about you it fr sucks. And why do ppl feel the need to be so nosy and annoying? That's obnoxious I'm so sorry. I think the tutor therapist etc were mostly threats so I'm trying to prove that I'm ok but it's really draining tbh
I miss u sm, stay strong and im always here for you. Hope we see each other soon hugs fr
Yeah i know you’re afraid of open up with someone that could tell your parents something, but idk, just think about it. Anyways, you said your parents wanted you to go to a school, you’re going? How things have been going for you? I’m sorry I’m not so on this days.
@Amymimy2711 yea ik but tbh I think it was mostly talk anyway, and the school was a threat for next year so I'm trying to do better in school and pretend I care even tho I could acc care less. Tbh I think I'm getting worse it's like I'm drained of life yk? How have you been tho? U been eating? School been ok? And dw I'm rarely on nowadays too.
Worse like how? Yeah I get that feeling of being drained of life, is really hard to stay alive feeling like ***, i really hope you can get better Macy. Im trying to be fine, but is just really hard, idk. I always feel like everyone is just pretending with me, pretending they don’t hate me, and idk I always had this feeling but this last days I had anxiety attacks because of it, and some other stuff. Yes im eating, thanks for asking (are you eating well too????) im doing just to not be a burden to other people in my life, yk? But I’m not sure of what I’m supposed to do, cause my mom says I’m really getting fat and I should stop eating, even though I’m with a normal weight, and im trying to get better but for some reason this problem always come back in the worst times…school is ok, I’m working hard to get good grades and even my relationship with my friends is more real and less fake, is like we’re not so distant anymore somehow. I still feel left out but I don’t plan to be here so much time to need them. Next Saturday I have more exams and then it will finally be Carnaval and we will get a break from school. I’m going to a Church camp or something (idk if I told you yet) but i guess is better then be alone at home with my mom.
Honestly is a lot of things happening in my life rn, some good, some bad, but i finally feel…more free i guess? Im really working on getting better, feel more comfortable with my body and sexuality…that kind of stuff. Im trying to figure out what im gonna do with my life if i dont die before high school end lmao.
What’s up with you? How is your relationship with your parents? Is everything okay (or not so bad)? What have you been doing? Is there something you want to tell me?
-A lot of hugs 💕
Amy
@Amymimy2711 Omg I am so so sorry. I haven't been checking our forum and I guess it didn't notify me this time so im actually so so sorry for the late response. Idk how im getting worse, Im just drained mostly. I have no energy, all I want to do is sleep, im done with everything atp. I really really just want to leave this cruel world but im trying to hang on. The world is full of pretending nowadays its kind of sad. Anxiety is a cruel thing I feel you there for sure, im actually getting worried about going back to the states in a month cause my anxiety is going to be so bad lol. Im eating, I wouldn't say well but im eating. Yea im kinda doing the same as you with the eating, and wtf did your mom say? That is actually so *** up of her to say im so sorry she said that too you. Im sorry that your feeling left out too, those ppl don't know how awesome you are they are missing out fr. I hope you do good on your exams and good luck at the carnival with your mom. I hope things go ok between you two. You get a break tho! Ooh the church camp is almost here, I guess it might be better then being alone with your mom, I hope things go well there too. Same with me but thats just family stuff lol, im glad you feel more free thats a good feeling not like ik what that feels like but it sounds like a nice feeling. Hey do not talk like that. Amy you will survive, you will. I believe in you, you are so so strong for making it this far don't give up just yet. My relationship is horrible with my mom, im finally home alone for the first time since they found out I sh and yk what my mom said to me before she left? Pls dont harm yourself I care about you and love you. No u *** dont stop *** lying. Everything still really sucks I actually went to my spot where I wanna jump (one of my many plans) and I haven't been there in a while but it was nice to know that one day ill be dead in that ditch lol. I guess thats what I wanted to get off my chest ofc there is more but no one wants to hear about whats going on with me lol. Again im so sorry for not seeing this sooner. Hugs fr I miss you and ill be on thursday so when u get home from school you might be able to catch me idk what time u get home but around and idk what time they leave cause it changes every week lol. So yea 6 at the latest I think your time. Pls ss my friend I hope to see u in a couple of days and ilysm lots of hugs fr.
@Macylou82 Alr I got a few updates for you. 1 I might not actually be able to be on tomorow cause my sister might take the bus. 2 my dad has been talking to my mom about me getting my computer back. 3 I have a plan to get a phone when my dad goes into town, hopefully that will be soon idk tho. So yea im sorry if im not on tomorow but I really am trying to get this new phone so I can be on more often. Im sorry not the best news but im trying.
Hey Macy, I’m sorry you feel like this, fr. You will survive too and please know I’m always here for you to vent if you want, I may not be the best person but I really worry about you. I’m sorry for the things with your mom, and I know moms are difficult to understand, but in some way, yeah, every mom cares about their kid, even if is just a little bit. Our moms can be really annoying but in this case you should really stop hurting yourself. I’m glad you wanted to get it out of your chest, and I’m really happy you told me this, I believe one day you will get better and you’re gonna go to this place again, look at it and will not feel like you want to jump. You’re gonna live a long happy life, Macy, and you will enjoy it, at least I hope, and me too, we’re gonna work on that, I truly believe you’re a sweet nice girl and you deserve the best.
Youre going back to the states? That’s so nice! This thing of feeling drained is hard, so make sure you’re at least doing the basics like eating, brushing your teeth and those little things, trust me, I know how that feels and sometimes, is hard just to get out of the bed, last year I couldn’t even do the basics at some point, please don’t let yourself get in this place.
I hope we can chat sometime, but now that my mom is with me (she came to take me to my city for carnaval), I’m gonna be deleting some apps, just in case of something, I’ll be waiting updates, and of course, I’ll be texting you when I have some time. This week was crazy, some people in church are annoying me so much, and now I’m the last single in my friend group so talking to them those days sucks, but school is more chill, we don’t get exams this week because of the holidays so I’ve been sleeping more, and trying to eat better, without skipping meals or throwing up. I hope you can finally have a new phone girl, idk how are you doing without it, I’m kinda addicted to mine actually 😭💥.
-Hugs, Amy (ilysm)
@Amymimy2711 Its alr and thank you fr. Im always here if you want to vent tho im not the best listener or supporter lol. The idea of my mother actually caring about me is hysterical tbh, its alr tho its whatever I guess. And stop sh? What's next stop drinking? What's the point? With how things are going I want to go in 3 weeks, thats another story by itself tho. You're being too kind fr. Im not gonna survive, I've given up on thinking that. But you are so much better then me. You will survive because you are so much stronger then me. Going back to the states might sound nice but its really not at all. One of the main reasons I want to leave sooner actually. I'm going to be honest, I've been in that place for a while. I just don't know atp, I just don't know. I really hope things go ok with your mom this time, and the carnival is fun and enjoyable. Man that actually sucks but couples don't last at this age so you won't be the only single one for long I bet. I'm glad your trying to be better its more then me lol. I have been getting my actual phone back for a few days a week but its so full of restrictions its useless which is why I need to get a new one which I will hide. Im sorry this is a really rushed response I had like 10 minutes because my mom went to pick up my sister so im sorry if it sounds rush or my words suck tho my words usually suck honestly lol, another one of my flaws.
Also, Hru? I forgot to ask, what’s happening in your life rn?
@Amymimy2711 hey so idk if I'll be able to catch you later so ima say this in case I don't catch you. It was amazing to see you today, even tho it was only for a few minutes. I miss you sm and ik we are both going through a tough time rn but im so proud of you for holding on. You are so strong ily so so so much tysm for being an amazing friend and always being there for me.
Lots of hugs fr -Macy
That’s so cute Macy💕 I’m really sorry cause I couldn’t stay much, it was really amazing to see you again! I’m honestly glad that you’re still alive and we could chat a bit. I’m really really proud of you too, fr, you’re stronger than you think, and a amazing friend too.
ily so much❤️ I hope we can see each others again soon (stay alive ok?)
-A lot of hugs
Amy
Hey Macy! How are you?
Im still in my city and luckily I’ll only come back to school next Monday. My mom has been a lot, she is a very difficult person and idk, I just try to not start a fight or anything, and lately it’s working. I spent the holiday in church camp that she made me go(4 days), and it was not bad, cause at least I didn’t had to see her. The camp was fun sometimes, but I was babysitting a lot some kids, cause my niece (daughter of my cousin) was there and her parents were busy to watch her, and some kids joined us (a lot of toddlers, they were so cute). I saw some old friends I didn’t see in a while, it was nice to talk to them, and I the place was pretty. I got sick and very tired, but at least I’m not in school, and I don’t have exams soon.
I miss you Macy, are you ok? What’s up with you? Answer me when you have some time.
ilysm
-Amy
@Amymimy2711 I'm breathing still, wbu? Man mom's r annoying I'm trying the same thing but it's so hard and draining fr. I'm glad it wasn't that bad, but you were babysitting at camp? Aw sounds like they liked u then which of they did your amazing. I'm glad you were able to catch up with some old friends. I'm sorry you got sick tho I hope your feeling better fr. No exams!!!!!!!! Yayayaaya!!!!!!!! Exams suck, school sucks tbh. I'm not ok but I never am so whatever. I finally went to get an eye exam and now I have contacts and have to pick up my glasses in a couple weeks tho i won't wear them. Ilym and miss u sm fr. Tc ss and eat my friend.
@Amymimy2711 Hey, so you should be back to school yea? How have u been? How was things between your mom? Update me its acc been forever. I miss you fr.
Hey Macy! Yeah I miss you too, sorry 😞 I was really busy this times. Yeah I’m back to school and gosh a lot of things happened this times, I’ll list them for u but first I’ll say why i didn’t texted earlier: I’m trying to not use my phone so much, cause I really really REALLY need to get good grades. So that’s why I’m not talking anymore in anywhere.
so well, things that happened:
— In Brazil we this thing called ENEM (national exam for high school) and is to get into college so everyone that does is from the last year of hs, but my school want that every student of hs to do, for training so on our last year we can be really good (and also they like to post on school social media and brag about the students that get good grades) and I did last year, and this year I checked my score and I got 940 in the essay (is one one of the higuests grades to get, I just lost 60 points and for the first year this is awesome!) and everyone was really happy for me, no one expected that cause I thought I had done everything wrong lmao.
— I’m getting more closer to my friends in some ways, and I think I’m finally adjusting after more than a year here.
— I finally finished writing my fanfic, (I don’t know if I said that before but I was writing one) and i never thought a lot of ppl would read but they liked, I didn’t though I was that good but idk, knowing that make me feel less useless.
— my crush started to date. And seeing they together every day is frustrating, idk
— Church sucks and I just can’t be there anymore
— Ppl are suspecting about my sexuality (a lot of ppl) cause I’m not really good at hiding but now I’m even worse
— im getting worse in physics and I got a 0 on a exam
and worst of all: I’m not even capable to feel happy or sad for anything that happened. I just feel empty like something is missing, like I can no longer have feelings. I hate this so much, and the physical pain is the only thing I can really feel right now. I dont have expectations for the future in any aspect and I just dont feel like myself anymore. I feel nothing.
I hope you’re ok Macy, yk I love you -hugs Amy
@Amymimy2711 Omg your alive I was really worried. It's alr grades are important so that's a good goal. I'm glad some good things are happenening. I'm sorry about your crush, and all that stuff tho. Physics sounds hard don't beat yourself up to much about that. I get the feeling empty too im sorry those feelings are rough. My turn for a life update?
Um lets see my crush realized I existed last monday
My eating sucks im barely eating anymore so thats also super fun
I did an expeirment on my wrist that could but prob not have made me leave shows how depserate I am to leave before we go back to the states and now im trying to hide my wrist but its stressful
I think I had my first panic attack friday Idk I was just freaking out cause I do not have any energy anymore I lay in bed all the time and so I skipped a full week of school and friday I was really stressed about school, my wrist, the states so yea that was fun
Honestly that might be it life sucks I wanna leave im tired exausted if im being honest and idk im getting more desperate to leave but im running out of time 4 more days im so scared if im being honest but im not gonna bore u with more. Im glad ur alive fr and Im sorry both our lifes aren't that great, ily to sm and lots of hugs fr. Tc and ss my friend
@Macylou82 Oh and I meant to ask earlier but I was rushed but for some reason im aloud to stay home this sunday? Sus but yay cause I really don't have the energy. Anyway to my question, you have to be like prob not the best words but perfect when ur with your mom right? Do you have any tips? Cause we'll be in the states for 2 months this time and I gotta be perfect like really perfect, tho im still hoping ill find a way to leave before then I gotta face reality. So yea im open to anything tbh im desperate.
Hey girl, are u still hurting yourself? I’m so sorry Macy! And I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for you, I’ll appear more during the week now, I get that life sucks but I’m worried about you. And hey you have a crush? You never told me about him, tell me more about him and what he did (he must like you, you’re so cute and pretty, but please don’t trust boys that age, they’re the worst)
I know is hard but you have to eat, i know you feel like this now, but someday it will have consequences, im trying to eat more too, actually im taking some pills and they’re expensive so im not throwing up anymore.
im sorry about you panic attack, is really awful, how are you feeling now? You told someone?
I hope things get better
-hugs Amy
@Amymimy2711 Ok fifth time trying to respond, 3 yesterday 2 today, and istg is I hear any more footsteps or my dogs start another fight, ugh anyway. Yea and i was doing better too until well I wasn't lol. Its ok schools been keeping you busy. I acc won't be on this week well I will be until wed or thursday. Cause my moms friend and her kids are coming to visit and we're gonna fly to the states together. And yk who her kids are? Her sons my first kiss, we made out in his room for like a year or two but dw he's ugly now. And her daughter is a lil younger then me and is my ex friend, im so excited. Sarcasm if you couldn't tell. Anyway you didn't tell me you had a crush either and im not all those things. He has curly blond hair and he's my age and your right boys are immature at this age. He came up to me at youth group and goes, hi five? So I give him his high five and then later he came up to me and was like you don't wanna dance? Cause other ppl were dancing but it was stupid dancing yk not acc dancing like the tango lol. So yea a lil excited today for youth group just to see if he's gonna speak to me but im limping and my wrist I gotta find a way to cover it and I think ive worn all my hoodies/sweatshirts there so yea.
I could care less about my health atp, im glad you got some pills to help tho. I'm proud of you fr
Im feeling more stressed because if this happens in michigan I won't be able to hide it like I could with my anxiety attacks so this is gonna be a awesome 2 months, more sarcasm. No I didn't tell anyone well i g I did but one was a friend on here I was talking to when it started cause like I vented to them about all the stress and they were walking through the things I had to do before mother came home, yes I was home alone it was a fun time. Then I g my irl friend knows cause she called me in the middle of it but those are the only ppl who will know
Things are just going downhill from here if im being honest, but I hope things get better for you, maybe your crush will realize how pretty and amazing you are and dump that loser.
-Lots of hugs fr, Macy
Oh you’re going to the states? That’s really cool acc.(yeah i noticed the sarcasm but you should at least try to enjoy a little bit, and I didn’t told you I have a crush cause i really don’t want to bother anyone and honestly I want this feeling to go away so me and her could have a normal friendship like we used to be, she is really kind, and we were great friends until she started to date this other boy from our friend group and now she almost doesn’t talk to anyone anymore, and I knew we would never be a thing cause she doesn’t likes girls and she doesn’t know I like girls, but her bf just pmo so much, and she’s only with her cause she looks like his ex, and he even called her by his ex name one time, atp I just want my friend back and i don’t want her to suffer.
Your crush seems great, he’s like the Percy Jackson actor, and if he’s from church maybe he isn’t so much immature, i think he must like you, you’re really pretty and a nice person! You should try to talk more with him, and another teenagers your age too. Btw, you learned Spanish already? I remember you told me that you didn’t knew much, and only knew English.
i know is hard but hurting yourself doesn’t help anything, and I’m trying to stop too, and you should care more about your health so one day you can be better and finally do what you want with your life, live in the states again and etc.
Yesterday one of my friends texted me saying that I talk a lot about unalive myself, she was really worried about me and the way I’ve been acting lately (I’ll try to describe for you, I’ve been acting like a zombie, and the only words i speak are for making depressed jokes or whatever, and she noticed I’m never sad or happy, I’m just living) and I had to explain for her that I’m not doing so well rn, and she was really nice about it, and I’m more relieved but also a lot afraid of how she’s gonna see me now and if she’s gonna tell someone (she’s a really good person but idk)
I hope you’re doing well, ily❤️
update me when you have time
-hugs, Amy ❤️
@Amymimy2711 I'm not going to enjoy it, I again was desperate yesterday and tbh if my mother had left idk I just dunno, Tw,,,,,,,, but I did sh on my neck another stop I need to hide so yea fun for that. You don't ever bother me, don't say that. I'm sorry I hope you get your friend back soon.
No he is very immature all the boys at my youth group are its a zoo. Two boys literally wrestled into me yesterday. I'm not pretty or a nice person, and I prefer being a loner. I don't want friends not when Im just gonna leave them in a few months. No I honestly do not care about the languedge here I really don't so im not even trying another thing that disapoints my parents, im a walking disapointment lol.
Tbh it doesn't really help anymore the only thing that does is drinking but dad and me are in a fight and friends come tomorow so ima be going 2 months sober, but I got an amazing sister who offered to buy me energy drinks so idk maybe that will kinda be my alcohol for a lil bit? And if it doesn't help I should stop right? Nope I have both wrists tho ones a baby and my neck I gotta hide all of those. I am just making myself more stressed with all my stupid things. Amy I don't plan on living till im 15, I don't have a future like you.
I'm so glad your friend noticed and reached out, I get that fear tho. I once told my mom I had a plan and she texted like a bunch of ppl like my grampa and saying I was feeling depressed so valid fears
I'm not at all in fact im scared to death if im being honest, but I hope ur doing a lil better
you too alr? I might not be on much this week and I might have to leave cups for 2 months idk about that ill update you on that, and you update me on how things r going
_ilysm hugs fr Macy
@Amymimy2711 Ok im just letting you know that i think ima be forced to leave my computer here while we are in the states, I will try to pack it but im worried that mother will hide it so I cannot pack it. This isn't fs but if anything I will be back June 2nd alr? Tc my friend ilysm and can u do one thing for me? Stay alive? Please I don't wanna lose you. Ss and tc and ill really miss you, hugs fr
@Macylou82 Ok so im kinda half back rn im working on a plan to come fully back while we're here tho its having some complications so don't get ur hopes up lol. Anyway... Hru? School going alr, things with your mom, things with your crush? Miss you fr ilysm tc and ss and don't be surprised if I don't answer back right away might be a few days.
-lots of hugs fr Macy
Hey Macy, hru?
I was off for a bit, yk school staff, my teachers are like a pain in The *** (i kinda hate all of them) and honestly i almost lost my cups account for some reason, idk what happened with my app but it was weird onde my Phone, now im on Tablet and its a lot better. Well a Life update: school is terrible and ughhhhhhh o just wanna drop everything or scream most of the time im teremos, my teachers are the worsts and lately a group of kids so annoying... my mom is still the worst, she doesnt let me go out with my friends and ive been kinda of ignoring her calls since easter, we had a fight cause she hates everything i do and she is trying to make me apologize to one girl ( i think i already told you a while ago) and im suddenlly an *** for her. With my crush...i just accepted That she has a bf now, but still pmo SM cause he is with her only cause she looks like his ex, and i hate him. Im already over it, and now im better, i hope i dont have any crushes for i White, is frustrating. I know you can Take some time to answer but its ok, sorry that i Take so long. What happened with that trip with your mom? Tell me everything, Illinois wait.
- loooots of hugs
Amy❤️
@Amymimy2711 Ah yea school sucks fr, im glad you let me know, yk me im a worry wart lol. Aw no thats not good, glad you didn't lose it tho. I feel you on that tho oml school is so horrible. Moms fr. I get that too my mom kinda found out I cut again so yea that was fun lol. Im glad things are better with your crush too, thats good.
Trip with my mom? We are back in the state till June 2nd and I had to leave my computer back (im using my moms when she's asleep or gone) Ok... Life update. Mom found out I still cut, she yelled some and is watching me again idc tho whatever i g. We are in the states and im exausted, pretending is so much work its draining me sm. My day is spent hanging with my grandma and like thats not bad its just I have no energy anymore im always tired and I just need my alone time, not constantly hanging with her, helping her with chores, and running errands so that has made things really hard im managing (not well) tho. My sis is graduating and idk I love her, we super close fr I Just don't want her to leave its selfish ik but yea she's graduating doing final school projects and prom and it just makes me sad i g idk. Yea that's it really for me, im doing really horrible im exausted everyday but im trying to manage things i g. Hope things get better for you fr tho
_Lots of hugs fr fr Macy
@Amymimy2711 Miss you
Hey Macy! Wow Its been a long time girl im sorry fr 😭 I thought i bad lost this account btw. I have a lot of things to tell you.
Please forgive me for not being around much, is just…a lot. I dont remember the last time i texted you but i dont really das the time running until now, and this is driving me crazy.
First one: im moving again next year, so no more felling weird in a house thats not mine, but the bad part is that i dont want to move in my last year of school and i dont want to yk, being the new girl again, meet new ppl again and feel left out again! Im so tired of domingo this and i feel that i never been so close with some friends irl like im with them now…i dont want to live with my mom again, im not so free here, but Its Nice to not have her controlling me 24/7!
The worst is that i cant tell this to anyone, and is like im saying goodbye to everyone everytime.
Next thing: well, i kinda fell in love AGAIN😭 and this feelings are like, i never dela this before😭 even with my old crush, it was like calm, but this? Idk what to do. Her name is Sofia, and we met in the internet (thats the worst place to meet someone, and im not proud of it but, any ways) we talk a lot on “instragrandma”(i dont remember if we can or not talk of social media here) and Shes a lesbian too, we both know How it is to date virtually and we dont want that, but she calling me “love” or “beautiful” is just so much to my heart, we are thinking about dating one day (when we meet eachother, in a if situation) but idk, Shes pretty and fun, and knows How to flirt, she understend me, why we have to be so far bro? Yeah that pmo so much, but she helps me to be a better person, idk
And the next thing i already mentioned, im really closer to my friends rn, we have a lot of conection, and everytime we hang out is the best thing in the word. I just dont want to say goodbye
The pills are working, i feel so much better…is like i can see the word in colors again and being able to live properly. My teachers are a bit worried tho, with my situation with some some subjects, like math, and my mom is finally taking me to see if i have adhd or some thing like this, she is also looking for a therapist (even that she hates them)
So How are you???? Are you ok? And your mom, tell everything please!
I misses you so much Macy💕
Lots of hugs, Amy
@Amymimy2711 omg I have missed you so much I have so much to tell you too its ok Im not around much either
Oh im sorry I bet thats really stressful and frusterating. I get it, im literally a puppet on strings with mine. Yea thats like really annoying i can imagine how hard that is, I hate goodbyes.
Awwww, yea thats not the best place to meet ppl but as long as you stay safe im happy for you.
Goodbyes are tough really tough I understand that
Omg im so glad fr, yea I understand why their worried. Omg thats amazing im so so proud of you, your getting better thats amazing.
Im... At the end of life, let me explain. So we go back monday at midnight (basically tuesday) and im scared because... My dad (who's getting drunk prob like 5 times a week) is happy rn, my mom is happy rn. But when we go back... Neither will be happy and im scared, the fighting, the arguing. My sister is leaving end of summer and I need her and I honestly dunno if I can live without her so idk if ima take my last breath when we get back or not.
The trip, has been exausting, some things have happened. I get random dizzy spells, random chills, and my mind just blanks and idk its just weird. The pretending has drained me. Im going to bed really early and getting up early just so I can be alone. Im so tired tho, like idk its just alot. My eating has been ok but when we go back ima prob just go back to not eating.
Im almost 2 weeks clean and im 2 months sober (not by choice just cannot drink around my grandma), but idk I have to pack today and idk if I'll keep up being clean.
Lasts... I've been thinking about lasts alot, I acc made a poem about it, oh yea im a poet now I started writing poems a few days ago and acc Ima post one once im done catching up on my notifcations. Anyway lasts... I've been thinking like this, last time ima see my out of town family, last car rides with my sister, last time seeing my best best best irl friend sunday. Ima prob cry lol.
Hospitals... My sis foot got infected and was having unbearable pain so they went to the hospital and my cousin prob has lymes disease which u get from a tic. So my grandma, dad, sister have all gone to the hospital since Jan and my cousin is now sick. So yay for that
My mom... Like I said my mom is happy here so rn every things alr with her, I did have I think only two anxiety attacks since we've been here and I scratch when Im anxious so mother did see that scar but I lied and said I dropped my straightener on it lol, stupid lie but she believed it, also very stupid reason for the attack I was worried my sis was gonna get human trafficked yea um that was a stressful day to say the least
This is really cluttered im sorry im too tired honestly to organize it but im alone for the day which is good I just need some peace. Ily so *** much and im so glad your back. My heart literally jumped when I saw u posted here again im not joking and acc when u see this which prob won't be soon check out my post I may not have mentioned you directly but ur in it.
Lots of hugs fr Macy
Hey Macy!
Girl idk what to say fr. Like I know you’re not likening this trip, but just the fact you’re sober and clean makes it worth. You’re so young, you’re pretty and honestly it’s crazy that you’re spending your childhood/early teen years like this. If I could help you I would, idk. You’re a really fun and nice girl, I miss the times we talked in the forums, and I got super worried about you every time I talk to you, I’m so sorry that your sister is going, I know she meant a lot for you, and I hope your situation with your parents get better, try to enjoy some more the trip wile you’re there, please.
I truly believe that one day you will get better and live a better life, so please just try to survive ok?
I’ve been feeling a little depressed too, but I’ve been trying to make myself feel better. I’m taking some medicine that helps me now, and I never stopped hurting myself, but now I see how I’m not doing so bad like I used to do. I’m trying to give myself a chance. Sometimes I feel we don’t give ourselves a chance, even tho we do for some other persons, so idk, I think a lot about this. I see you like a wonderful girl, Macy, I really hope things get better.
I’ll probably have to do some exams again, and I’m still figuring out how to say this to my mom. This girl that I like, idk i hope this end soon, maybe im being lovebombed lol, im gonna think about it.
Yk you can tell me anything you want, I’ll be more active now so I’ll reply more. Ily
Hugs, Amy 💕
@Amymimy2711 Nah cause I broke my streak yesterday while packing. Um im getting kinda extreme dizzy spells, my eyes randomly blur and like thats worse too, im limping because of my inflamation and had too much sugar, and I randomly get the chills so I shake. Idk just all that and packing was just too much especially cause I could not stand without holding onto something it was bad. So yea fun forgot to mention that yesterday lol. Ngl my childhood was literal trash lol, nah I mean things ain't great with my parents now but at least he's acc home lol. Aw I get worried when you disapear like girl yk I worry man I no joke think about you like everyday lol. I get way to worried about my friends online lol.
Nah fml like im so done so done. Life won't get better for me in fact its gonna get worse when my sister leaves Im just so done. I just said goodbye to my best friend of 8 yrs like common im done.
Yea that's good try to like stay active and do things that make you happy yk. Im glad meds are helping and im so glad you've stopped, its not a healthy/good habbit to get into fs. Yea go easy on yourself fr im so proud that your doing better. Yea I get that thinking fr lol. I can be so kind and supportive to anyone but myself lol. I honestly wish things would get better but lifes just getting worse. Im so exausted im just like why am I still here.
Ugh exams gluck fr im glad I don't have those. Hey if your happy and safe I mean it can't hurt to talk But you acc seem like u like her at least from what you've said about her.
Alr i've been around just in the shadows but just if u disapear again, let me know? I get crazy worried lol. Ilyt
lots of hugs fr Macy
@Macylou82 No pressure to respond I just wanna say this because im a total idiot lol. So damn I repeated like half the things I said in that past message like the spells and I am a complete idiot I got things wrong too like oml wth is wrong with me. Damn do I like usually do that repeat things and misunderstand things? how can u talk to me when im acting like a complete idiot. Anyway im sorry and dw about responding I just wanted to say that cause I am literally so *** stupid I have no words for my stupidity atp. So yea im sorry hope things are ok with u.
@Amymimy2711 idk why im writing this ur prob gone idk I just know that we talked about getting better together and idk just miss u alot. Anyway um I realized smth a month ish ago. I wanna live, no more sh no more weird eating im trying to eat more but not too much cause i g I also overeat nowadays lol I don't get a win lol anyway, I've been trying not to sh as much even at all. I wanna drink for the fun of it not to numb myself or get drunk cause getting drunk I just do stupid *** anyway lol. But yea ive been trying to take care of myself more and even tho I think about scide I don't wanna do it, idk if I ever wanted to do it tbh just wanted to escape. But yea im trying to get better and some days are hard especially these days for reasons I won't explain but im trying to get better and idk u prob won't see this but thought I would tell u. Hope your doing ok wherever you are ily
lots of hugs fr Macy
@Macylou82 oh and im trying to be nicer to my family too, ive been spending more time with mom and im trying not to get angry as much I still struggle with that but trying is smth lol.
Hey, so…I’m actually not gone yet
First of all: it’s been forever, I MISSED YOU A LOT! I’m sorry, I vanished for a long time, but now I’m gonna explain what happened:
I wanted to unalive myself , wanted so much that I decided to make “goodbye videos” like Hanna Baker in 13 reasons why, but in my tablet. I did it and my mom took and saw. She basically said I was being consumed by the devil and a lot of that weird stuff adults say…and then she took my tablet and my phone.
But after that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression, and we are trying to figure out if I have ADHD, and I’m taking some pills, they kinda of help.
Another thing: I’m finally closer with my friends, but it’s useless now that I’m going to move again! My mom really wants me to study in a bigger school, harder, bilingual, and international, but first I have to pass the test and get this scholarship, so I’m trying to figure out how I’m gonna do this.
My mental health sucks and I was sick the past months too, maybe I have asthma by the way. And I finally came out of the closet for one of my friends, even tho my mom is almost sure I’m totally gay, she just can’t prove yet.
I feel my uncle, his wife and my cousins kinda hate me, but I’ve been going out every weekend to try to get better and don’t be so melancholic and stressed all the time, but maybe now I’m worse.
That’s my life rn, I really missed you, and I’m so sorry I couldn’t be here soon!
@Amymimy2711 Omg ur back again girl I missed youuuuu omgggggg
I get that tho im sorry. WTF dude that's messed up
I'm glad you got diagnosed and its not undiagnosed cause that makes things easier i g, must be hard tho but im glad the pills are kinda helping
That sounds stressful, getting closer with ur friends just to move sucks so hard
I'm sorry mental health is the worst I get that so so hard lol. I'm so proud of youuuu omg you came out that's amazingggggg, at least ur mom can't prove it? idk that fr sounds stressful alot of this sounds stressful and I am the queen of stress atp lol
Who could hate you? I hate them smh. That's good tho, except the now im worse aw im sorry
Lol I got crazier stuff for you maybe not crazy but these last few months have been stressfull lol. Don't say sorry u couldn't be here even if u wanted too. I really missed you too fr im glad ur back and glad that you answered me lol. Ilysm and im so proud of you for everything and for continuing to hold on even tho life sucks so hard
Im really so happy for you 💕
Lots of hugs
Amy<3
Macy that’s really good, I’m so proud of you! How are you feeling? Things got better? Why you suddenly decided it worth to try? That’s really great, I’m glad you told me even if you weren’t sure I would be here to reply
@Amymimy2711 @Amymimy2711 I'm feeling good about that decision, ik its gonna be a journey a long one but Idk feel like its worth to try lol. It was also so random I was thinking about it otw to church and then I went over to dad's friend and I was drinking with them and I felt so content and idk it sparked smth in me that maybe life was worth living. I started noticing all the beauty in the world and idk realized maybe I do wanna live. Uh no things got worse? My life is a chaotic mess omg dude the last couple months uh lemme see
So my sis got ringworm, my dad got worms, still has them he's going later to get more taken out lol, my mom got a weird flu passed it on to all of us so I had that a couple weeks ago and its very contagious this flu virus so when my aunt ,who came to visit along with my grandma, got it and I was taking care of her I got it bk so Im getting sick again I think lol. Ringworm is stressful tho cause its also contagious and we had to boil everything sheets pillowcases everything but no one got it thankfully
My parents both suck. Dad avoids mom completely almost. My mom now has control over my dads credit card so no more drinking unless dad gets cash but that's rare so Im a few weeks sober about to go another two months sober which is not easy bc the urges are crazy maybe worse then Sh lol
My grandma got sick yesterday and her flight was today so my aunt is flying bk alone and im flying my grandma back because she's not doing well at all, she fell a couple weeks ago and got really bad black eyes and ever since her mini stroke and brain bleed we're all worried about her and now the fall, ppl say she's declining so yea that's another thing, but yea im going to the states till christmas thankfully grandpa is paying for my ticket bc we can't afford it, we can't all the bills, car bills vet bills its been crazy, but moms not flying with us she's flying in, in december right when my sis gets bk from spain which she leaves in two days for spain for a nanny gig, so yea that's a few more things oh and the vet bills all my animals have had to go to the vet, my cat had a infection, maverick had a almost fatal tick disease kinda like lyme but treatable, macy had worms so that was expensive buttt some good, I dyed my hair tho its mostly gone by now, I got my doubles too this was all for my bday in july lol. im not doing terrible mentally im a couple weeks clean, im not suicidal as much yes I still think about it but I don't think im ever gonna do it Idk if I ever wanted to do it or just escape lol, so yea my mental isn't that bad, my physical could always be better but bc im trying to eat better im not getting the spells as often so that's good. Oh and im going to my sisters yg and im acc participating and I sometimes talk to this one girl. My anxiety is still terrible but I try lol This is long lol but that's a lil of my life, Let's just say I have been constantly stressed lately but its not been all bad i g. I'm so glad ur back, I hope you stay this time but its alr if u don't.
@Macylou82 bruh ok so lemme hear this u won't send my post bc of some error and then I couldn't edit it? screw u forums. I had that written out perfectly ugh im sorry I spent five minutes forcing that to send and now it looks clumped if that's even a word
So…im still not dead.
Still remember me? I couldnt talk for a lot of time.
Well, i changed cities and schools, im not in my dream school and i made some friends but i kinda dont like them, and last week my family though i was possessed and exorcised me and i have so much to talk, if you see this, tell me when you’re gonna be online in the groups.
I also hope you’re fine
Hugs, Amy
@Amymimy2711 I’m still glad for that, for some reason me too lol
I do acc lol. I still think about you from time to time, I missed u.
U changed schools and cities again? I think u mentioned something last time we talked that u were moving if I remember correctly tho. Wait what!? What happened to make them think that? What does exorcised mean? Um that’s hard to say lol. I’ll be on tonight maybe? Or I’ll be asleep I flew in last night so I’m running on like 4hrs of sleep rn lol. I need to run into u tho I wanna hear about everything.
Oh yea so fine. Amazingly fine lol
lots of hugs fr Macy