That's what happened

Please help because My problem is very complex!

I'm Noman. Age 18 by August 10.

When I was child my father remained outside the town for work,  my brother was also outside the town.... For becoming studies (came to meet only twice a year)  I was left with my sister and mother who were busy in their study and household work. I needed attention..... (from my father and brother)  but no male in family was available. And it created some missing part inside my brain. I had no friends at all. And I remained alone at home surrounded by women (mother and sister). Later on when I was 15 I made a friend.... We became close friends and for the first time I found someone who listened to me, who careed about me and so did I. I fell in love!  I developed deep emotions and connected deeply with him. I knew at that time that I had gay emotions  but how could I control them!  With whom could  I share my feelings and my problems as a Muslim! Yes I'm a Muslim so,  It was hard for me! But my feelings they were so genuine that I couldn't resist and neglect them.  I wanted to tell him that I'm in love...... Later on...... While chatting on what's app  one day he also expressed his emotions that he's also in love with me!  And that day was wonderful for me.

I felt myself at ease and peace.  He was like someone with whom I could share my problems that I couldn't share with my family as a Muslim! And we were totally in love. The internal peace I got every time when I looked at him... In his eyes..... Holding his hand..... That was so emotional!

But later he started making some distance from me and one day he broke relations with me without telling any reason....... And we were separated!

But my emotions they were not dead!  I kept waiting for him for more than 2 years. And during those years I tried my best to ask him what happened but he replied nothing. And then 3 days ago  he came back! Telling that he missed me and giving me reason that he actually wanted to give me space to reach my future goals that our interaction will cause loss of our future.he said that he cared about my future. But later he released that he feels uncomfortable with me!  I was shocked..... And I'm shocked. I've pure feeling of love for him but he's afraid that I'll do something with him against his will. He said that he feels uncomfortable when I look into his eyes or hold his hand. But I don't have any bad intentions for him. Cause he's my comfort zone. The things that I can't share with my own family, I can share with him.  I just want him to stay close to me. As I find peace when I look into his eyes.  I wanna hold his hand, with my head on his shoulder I want to cry telling all my problems and affairs.  I want him to be with me. I don't want to do anything else in case if  he refuses.

And I think as he's also a Muslim. And homos are prohibited in Islam so,  he's afraid of the result.  

But the emotions that I have developed are not so ordinary.  I can't just resist them... Because it hurts.... My heart it actually hurts..... ( maybe it was easy for him to overcome the problem but it's not easy for me) 

That feeling that he's standing with me..... I never felt like that, even with my family........

Now tell me..... Is this.... Me being gay....  Having such emotions.... Such feelings.....  wrong..... Am I wrong......because I don't know and I can't resist this..... I've often asked/ prayed Allah and His Rasool while crying in prayer to help me........ To look into my matter...... To relieve my pain.........

I remember crying/weeping alone at night or anytime in the bathroom without raising any sound  Because I can't even  tell my family what's happening with me...... All that time Allah was/is watching me cry.... And I was/am seeking for His help. But still.................. My emotions are out of my control..... And I can't do anything because I'm a Pakistani..... A Muslim..... And from a middle class family...............

Now please tell me what can I do? how can I kill my emotions 😢........how can I dump them in basket......... If you have any reach to Islamic scholars please discuss my case  Or give me an appropriate solution...... And tell me if I really deserve any  punish for this at the end by Allah....... 😢

I don't know what to do.............help me....