What am I afraid of actually?

Hi everyone! I really need some advice for my condition lately. Maybe I need to tell in advance that I am someone who deals with social anxiety since I was younger. I am 19 now and I found out about 2 years ago that my parents took me to psychological counseling when I was 6, yes I was 6 at that time, because I was super super shy (in upnormal way). And now the condition is getting worse.

One thing about me is that I am part of different friendships. I am one of the 7-girls grup, I am one of the 6-girls group, I am also part of the students' assosiation, etc. I am actually surrounded by many people who know and are close to me, I am not that antisocial kind of person.

But the problem is that it's so hard for me to communicate. Theres always something that holds me back from saying "hi", as simple as saying "hi". I can be sooooo afraid doing that, but then minutes later, I regret it that I shouldve said "hi"

I always want to ask question to my friends or people I know when we are together. But I am so bad at small talk. Really bad. I even need to observe people, I learn from them. E.g. I thought asking someone's study program or where department are they is something silly and cross the line, but actually it is just a small question that can lead to getting to know each other in the first place. This is one of the small things I try to work on.

Next thing is I sometimes think better be silence than talking but this makes me lack the ability of speaking. It's like my mind has no map when it comes to interacting with people. My friends can talk to me, can joke with me, but I feel like I sometimes too flat ro respond or too awkward to respond.

I've watched so many movies esp romcom where the female leads are so friendly, fun, loud, expressive, and I wanna be like them. I really wanna be someone who can interact with people freely until we get close to each other. I want to get rid of negative thoughts my mind has about me because my mind is my biggest bully, it judges me so harf every time.

My articulate is also so bad. I often talk to myself in my room when I am alone. I feel like an expert, like a story teller, like an influencer, like a friend.. I can talk to myself better than I talk to people. I often catch myself talking in a roundabout way when answering or wanting to convey something simple to someone else. sometimes convoluted spelling, wrong words, or even strange sentence structure even though my mind knows exactly what I want to convey.

I sometimes think about ever 'what's wrong with me' too hard in a day to figure out how to act because all I do in my daily life is facing people, sit in classes, so I need to figure everything out onsite until my head hurts. I can feel it everytime I think about it too hard.

This isn't all I've revealed, I'm at a loss for what else I can reveal. If anyone has any suggestions or wants to help me unwrap 'what's wrong with me', please ask a provocative question so I can answer it. Thank you so much♡