i’d just like someone’s opinion (sorry, it’s more of a dump and it’s really long)

i had this family friend for like 10 years and around 2 years ago, we started calling each other best friends. we didn’t go to the same school then, so we only saw each other like once every 2-4 months. we barely texted or called too. now we go to the same school and i see her everyday which is a huge change. at first i was so happy but we started having a lot of problems between us which could most likely be due to the fact that we didn’t really know the everyday person of our best friend. for context, i’ve been having a lot of problems in my life and i’m extremely depressed and suicidal. it doesn’t seem that way if you met me irl, because i’m a very outgoing, energetic, friendly person. i’ve told her about my problems since i considered us to be very close. i know she’s going through stuff too and i’ve always tried my best to be there for her.

the first time we saw a crack was when we were eating lunch together. she didn’t like apples so she asked if i could have one. i agreed and after a while my throat started to feel really itchy and i thought i was having an allergic reaction. i told her once and she was just scrolling on her phone. i thought she didn’t hear me so i told her again. still nothing. it just made me feel like she didn’t care about my health and safety. so i just ended up not communicating with her for a couple of months. i know this was my fault. i’m not the best at communicating with problems since that’s just how i’ve been treated at home. after a while, i texted her asking to meet up and talk things through. during that talk, i said that for some reason, i find it easier to stop talking to someone closer than someone i barely know because if i don’t know them, it makes me feel like i’m obligated to keep up a good image even if i’m a bit uncomfortable. the way i said that came out wrong and i’ve apologized to her so many times about it and sometimes i say stupid things. i know how badly words can hurt people. she’s said some really nasty stuff to me too, and of course i still think about it, but i feel like at least to move forward in any relationship, you’re going to have to move past things if you want it to work out.

another time was last december. this one night, it was really bad for me and i ended up attempting. moments later, she texts me saying her great aunt died and she doesn’t know what to do. she wants comfort and she feels like she’s going to hurt herself. i couldn’t help her because of my state, and so i told her to talk her bf because i cannot help her right now, and im so sorry. i didn’t want to make things worse for her then. afterwards, she ended up texting my bf complaining about me and saying some really rude stuff. she also said that she’s done trying to be in friendship. i don’t think she knows that i saw those texts.

now what happened is that a few days ago, she randomly started getting really sad or something like that in school. at first i asked her what’s wrong and if she needs a hug or something. she says no, starts going off about if she’s not answering then that means that she doesn’t want to talk about it. fair. i just explain that i was worried and wants to help her if she needed anything. then she texts me saying she wants space from everyone, not just me. so i give her space. then her bf starts texting me saying she came into the car, crying and saying my name. so we’re talking trying to figure out what happened. and then she told him what happened and he’s kind of giving me clues but also making sure he doesn’t tell me since she said he couldn’t tell me. i’m just very confused because i have no idea what’s going on. then i ask to talk to her, and she ends up saying it’s personal issues and she just needs some space. then she asks to talk, saying that she’s worried about what she has to say because she thinks i’ll just ignore her one day and never talk to her again. i assure her that’s not going to happen because im trying my best to communicate and all. and then she says that if it were about me then she’d tell me. but the thing is, she wouldn’t. her bf is also saying it’s about me too. so the next day at school, i’m giving her space but also still trying to just have casual interaction. like just saying hi or smth. but she ends up ignoring me. same thing for the next few days. but the thing is, she’s acting normally with everybody else. i’ve also been told by her bf that she has a problem with other people too, but she still acts fine with them. so today, i ask her bf why she won’t talk to me. he says she’s not talking to me because she thinks im ignoring her. i explain what’s happening from my perspective. he’s telling me to try again, try harder, be more direct. i’m getting frustrated because that’s what i’m always hearing whenever there’s something happening between us. so i just tell him i’m done trying. he has a talk with her, and she texts me saying

“I said I needed space for a bit

I don't want to say anything rude so I'm not saying anything at all. There are things in my life that are bad too.

I need a bit to sort it out

If ur done trying then say it to my face.

Not behind my back”

now i’m genuinely getting very frustrated. i’ve tried so hard to keep this friendship going. i stopped telling her my issues and all. i don’t feel respected. i’ve put her before myself so many times just so that she could feel safe and all and it never is enough. everyone keeps telling me that i should try harder. i’ve hurt myself so many times because of her. i’ve even attempted because of her. i honestly feel so drained. this just feels so hypocritical. i know i haven’t been the best friend i could be, but im genuinely trying. it’s hard to be nice all the time when there’s so much going on. i understand that she could also be feeling like this, but it feels like too much for me now. i don’t know how much longer i can do this.

maybe im just the bad person in this