Anxiety, depression, possibly bpd.. I'm losing my mind
I've been having a really hard time with everything, mood swings are horrible, I can't relax, I can't overthinking about everything. I'm tired, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since about 2nd or 3rd grade maybe, it got enough in 5th grade where I stopped talking and after that would rarely talk to everyone yet to everyone I was just this giggly nice kid who just didn't talk much. My depression got worse in middle school and only even worse in high along with anxiety and possibly bpd and add when I look back unless it's just the anxiety causing all these symptoms I've felt and still feel. I closed off my emotions early and after dropping out of high school as a junior, I started spending more time alone but I've really spent a lot of time alone, I've never really had friends and the ones I did never lasted mostly cause I'd just end up resenting them for reason and stopped talking to them. Even though I still wanted to be friends and would really value then I guess. I've become extremely emotional, it's hard to control what I'm feeling now and hard to really know what I'm feeling and thinking cause it's just consistently on the run. I usually feel badly, I can't remember the last time I actually felt happy. I just want to connect with someone. But I really need help cause I've been with suicidal thoughts since 7th grade. I'd be graduating hs rn If I didn't drop out and missed so many days of school. I feel really misunderstood.
@anthonygumball
Hi, sorry you've been struggling. I've had the same issues since I was a toddler, so I just thought Id drop by and say you're not alone in this. And its tough. But its alright to struggle, we all do, and there's no shame in that. Emotions are tricky and when you don't have support and have to keep all of it to yourself it's even harder to deal with. When we end up spending a lot of time with ourselves, we start picking apart our brains piece by piece and that can only increase our anxiety and depression. Thats why even if its hard to think about doing, participating in community service or volunteering somewhere can really help improve our moods and how we view ourselves. Or reaching out to a parent or other relative to perhaps discuss the possibility of therapy (you mentioned youve had suicidal ideations) can help us feel hopeful and perhaps not understood but at least listened to. And that feeling alone is very powerful. At any rate, I hope you can find some good support on here and also in your local community. Im always here if you need to talk as well.
@Alishia Thank you for your kind response, it's nice to hear 'you're not alone'. Emotions are really tricky, I've managed to trick myself into doing stupid things without even realizing but immediately regretting after I really thought about what I did. I really don't have any kind of support system or anything and I don't know why I feel like I don't deserve to have one when I know I need one. I really frustrate myself. I don't like talking to my family about anything personal, and honestly about anything now. The only person I talk to and enjoy talking is this guy I'm seeing but he's not even sure he wants to be with me cause my ex might have given me an std and he told me he was clean. I don't know how long he'll wait for me to get tested, but I'm not sure long cause it's an open relationship and he has a boyfriend and a lover, I'm not sure if he would even want me to be apart of that even if I got tested and cleaned. He says his lover is just gonna leave him and that he only stayed with him cause I fucked up everything by sleeping with my ex after breaking it off a week before and going on a date with the other guy. But anyways I've been really picking myself apart and I didn't even realize I was doing it, I'm so lost in thought all the time now, it's really stressing me out. But getting it out helps. I do wanna volunteer but Idk if I'd work up enough courage to actually do it. I'd like to try therapy again, but I think a mental hospital might be better for me rn.