Past destroying present

iHi there,

Now i need advice about a very tricky situation. I am inna relationship where i see my while whole futurw with this woman. she is almost perfect. WE have of course issues. I am a man 100kg and 189cm ,She is i68cm and 54kg so there is a big size difference in her mind.

Now inhad an issue 6 years ago where inwas with a wiman and she got pregnant and 8 months in she attacked mw one day kicking me and hitting me for 20 minutes in a corner i pushed her out ofbthe way to get out odbthe house again not proud of it but she was going crazy. She then reported me for abuse said i tired to kill her and left pregnant with my child. she also called my parebts and told them thatvinwas violent and dangerous and they believed her as my relationship with mybparents was not good for a long time. Inhad not reallybspoken to them for 2 years before this only did as they were going to have a grandxhils.

Ayway after they also taught i was crazy abd dangerous i signed myself into a psyciateic hospital for 2 weeks as inpatent and theb 6 monyhs as outpatient and thee was no prrof of anger issues just stress issues doe to stupid arguments.

Now 14 months ago i met my current partner and of course told her this stoey as she has a right to know things about me that she can say yes or no to. So we met online were communicating onkine everysay for 2 months as she ws in belarus and i was in belgium we were both coming back to spain june last year.

Even online i notived issues about trust. But we wwre new she never met me so ok. We met in person after i drove from belgium to spain. In person our positive connectjon was even better than online. I had akready asked her to maery me onmine the second i saw her smile i knew she was the one for me. AN still think this.

Now first big issue after 4 days in spain my car was stolen. AND f course i tell her and me being originally irish make it kind of funny instead of panic. SHE aw this as me beinf deceitful abd taught i areanged to get the car stolen myself to benifif from insurance payoit. Which i never did. Yes i got a great deal on the car but needed it also. Now this created tension and i haveva deep coice so when i raise my voicr i sound very loud. She is very sebsitive and ttakes this as me being agressive whixh of course i also undertsnd her point.

Now being in spain and not speaking spanish also lead to a lot of issies dealing with insurance company and yes i got annoyed when i called and 10 times they hung up after i asked do you speak engkish and yes got very loud with then next person i spoke to. She again saw this as agression it was me tyring to solve an issue and kept gettung hung up on. She speaks fluent spanish and so took over and tonbe honest i left her as i knew she would get it solved and saved me getting angry.

Now during this she felt inwas using her and was agressive and started then using the moment with my expartner to say inam an abuser and violent and have anger issues. and of course when i said she was wrong again i raised my voice provingbher point in her mind more. I spent hours on my knees telling her she was wrong and eventually after 2 or 3 days all was ok ans she realised what i was saying.

we started living together a nonth aftef we both got to spain again. Trust was a big issue with her i gave her access tonall.I had as she needed it so for ne it is normal if were are building towards marriage that we are 100% open with all. she was not working and i was travelling to work so one day i am at woek she went through my tablet and went through all facebook mesages i never delte any so there were a lot and found mesaages to my ex and her mother trying to get to see my child and then also went to my exs faceboom page where she had a message about me jumping on her which never happened. Of course she believed this and again started using it against me. In her mind asking but she always brought it up when angry.. Again led to a big argument where we were in 2 different rooms and annoyed inopend the door of her roomnand threw shoes fhat she bkught me in there ot looking properly almost hit her in the head so again she had more proof. Also another day angry i threw a bottle of cold water on top of her again not right but the accusatuins and being called a liar.

now in november we noved into our current apartment and from day 1 was crazy. I had brough all my things with me from bekgoum and had then in storage here also as our firstvolace together was too small to keeo out things in. EVen before we got my things out of storage she alrewdy wanted to throw all away. Even i said ilet me see what we have at home and decide than. Of course thisbdid nit go down well as she felt incared more about things than her not that i had these in laid storgae and let me also have a say in my own things. Finally she got her way and she theew out what she wanted to.

We had no furniture in appartment so we went and got a bed on finace 1 weekend and a couch the next weekend my name was put on financing whixh i said ok you want these so ok she did all the talking i signed what inwas told and alwsys would. Then she had an issue i was using her to make my life better in spain again lead to stuoid arguement where again me trying to explain outbif frustration raised my voice again and agaijn i am an agressor and violent . So again after a few days it was all ok again

In december was something insane inwas cooking dinner and i had the meat too close ti the top of the oven sontge butter whicb i was using to cook it in and the skin if the meat started smoking. SHE panicked saying house ciukd burn down i said dont worry its ok . THEB she was goin toncallmher parents abd tell them i was making a mess. I got to a point where i pushed her inbthe kitchen and went for walking outbthe door she followed me hit me and again i pushed her harder to the couch she missed and hit the table damaging her side leaving a wound. She screamed the house down and police arrived and she went to hospital and the wound was bandaged. W sooke aboit this but all she coukd see was i am violent abd dangerous and this time i could bot disagree.

after this things were better of course arguements but deaking with then better tonbe hinest.

Now go to 21st of may it was her birthday and that morning before work inwent out the get her roses and champagne. i know real flowers are importanr so this was my main aim. I went to 8 different places and finallt found a place that sold roses open and asked are these real. H said yes as 2 so i took both and came home. Now i forgot in my rush that in Russia even numbers of flowers are for dead people hinest mistake and it turned out rises were not real.

THI kead to all out chaos where indidbt love her, i wanted her dead , i wanted her gone insaw her as cheap. SHE heb went forna walk came back and apologised but then explaing my mistake of ccursr inwas worming and reacted a bit distant which shebsaw as arrogantband again it webt crazy, the engagement ring i bought her was shit, fhe valentines day gift was shif i only saw her as shit. this went on for hours. I came into theivibg room again to explain it was a mistake , i was sorry and i do love her and please loom atvit bow it was nit against her.

SHE was smoking out the window of the livibg room and wrongly i saw her cone at me with a lit cigarette and this time oickednher up and threw her on thw couxh again . She hit her keg of back if the couch and caused a bruise. Now all she sees is an agressor a oerosn woth anger issues and now again says mybex was right i am dangerous. I finally agree this time. I need help contolling this and what are the best optiins.