This is embarrassing for me. I need someone to talk to.

I don't know how to start. I just know I'm so incredibly lonely, depressed and absolutely horrible to myself. I tell myself the nastiest things to where I feel like I need to crawl in a hole. But I can't. I'm a mom of 4. They need me I know. But when they fall asleep and I check on them at night, I apologize to them for having me as a mother. I'm becoming detached from my family. I have no friends anymore. My husband left me because I was self medicating and I don't blame him. I now feel numb when people touch me it makes me uncomfortable. I don't deserve human touch. Ahhh what's wrong with me????