An Important Reality for Navigating Grief

You grieve as you are

Have you always worn your heart on your sleeve? Then in grief, you might be a loud boo-hoo-er, a feelings sharer, a sad-song listener. You might join support groups and spill your heart to strangers who might become trusted confidantes. You might journal. You might want to talk talk talk about it to friends. You might want lots of hugs and there-theres.

While it’s not always easy to do, we have to give everyone space to grieve in whatever way works for them. It’s just not true that everyone needs to talk about it. For those of us who like them, support groups are lifelines; I can’t imagine managing without mine, and my therapist. But not everyone is me. We process how we process, and just because my way isn’t your way doesn’t mean either way is better. It''s also fine if you feel like talking sometimes but not others.

We bring our wounds into grief

What’s more (and more annoying), the problems and issues we bring with us into grief are not superseded by grief—in fact, they are more likely to be activated by it. Not to downplay the loneliness of loss—of a spouse in particular, who was woven into every moment of our day-to-day lives—but have you ever felt lonely in a crowd? With friends? Do connections feel tenuous? Yeah, me too. Chances are we have some kind of childhood wound to thank for that, and grief is just ripping it open afresh. One clue to identifying when something from the past is being activated is to note times and situations where our response feels extreme.

Our grief doesn't change others, either

Equally salient in this discussion is the fact that the other people in our lives are also no different from whom they have always been. The sister who dances on the edge of narcissism won’t magically become nurturing and you-focused because of the intensity of your pain. While in some ways grief changes everything, in many ways grief changes nothing. So we have to stay conscious of what we know about the people in our lives and be discerning about whom we entrust with our pain.

Read the complete article available at Psychology Today!

Reflection:

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