Bad childhood
I'm so sick of dealing with the consequences on the emotional neglect i got from my parents throughout my entire childhood. I was never praised, i was never listened to. My dad would always tell me that this idea is stupid, useless.. When i decided to tell him i wanna try volunteering to help people he said to be that it was so useless and it hurt a lot. I still feel anger to this day about it. I was never good enough and his motto was " kids should just shut up because they know nothing". Every time i was trying to express my ideas or thoughts he would tell me: "this is childish" Excuse me? Maybe because i was a child?!! Yes i was a child but it doesn't mean that my ideas were worthless!! Anyways this made me stop sharing anything with him and i just learned to keep everything for myself. I wasn't sharing anything with anyone and was really triggered about " personal questions" like "how your day went today". My dad never actually asked me this question. It was always: "What grades did you get today?" I was growing up thinking that my only worth was because of my grades and if i didn't get good grades i was horrible and not worthy of attention. My dad was never comforting me when i was feeling sad and as a result i developed unhealthy daydreaming patterns. I was constantly thinking about a life where i discovered i have a family relative that lives far far way and i can move in with him and leave all my family behind.. I'm so triggered whenever i hear someone talking about their dad. I also have anxiety attacks, sometimes pretty bad when i am shaking a lot and can't properly breathe , when he calls me. I am mentally preparing myself to hear one more time that all my ideas are stupid and whatever mean things he has to say. Now that i am thinking of it he is pretty traumatized himself. But he never took the time to properly heal. I would never imagine myself to say to my future child that his or her ideas are worthless! I would never do that! But he is not me and that's why he is doing things that i would never have done. I constantly feel so much resentment towards him and i talk to him very rarely and always about superficial stuff. Like he did. when i was a kid. I needed love and affection. I wanted to be listened to. Not dismissed! I don't even wanna talk about the relationship with my mom because there is way too much trauma and i am not ready yet to address it. But it's not like there's not enough trauma with my dad and his side of the family that i almost never talk to.
I feel so bad for the little me. I wanna go back in time and hug her when she was crying alone and no one was there to comfort her. I was so miserable and lonely as a child that i picked up a rock in a park and drew a face on it and called it Rocky and decided it would be my friend that would genuinely care about me. It was the only friend that i have. At least he was never judging or criticizing me.
I feel so hurt. I was reflecting on my childhood a lot lately because i needed to find the answers to why do i hate myself so much, why am i afraid of voicing my opinion, why do i battle feelings of self hatred, why do i most of the time don't like the way i look, why i can't state my boundaries clearly, why i have trouble to connect and trust others, why are my views on love and relationships messed up, why am always expecting people to betray me and thus never let them too near me...
Now it all makes sense and it makes me so discouraged to know that i have so many things to deal with on my own. Sometimes i really wanna give up because the feeling of hurt i feel is too much. Even now after writing all this i don't feel better. I just feel miserable. I really need someone to cheer me up and comfort me.
Hey, do you wanna talk?
@loyalApe
Yeah i would. But i feel like such a burden for talking about my problems.
Hey, that's why we are all here don't feel like a burden and do not feel embarrassed. It is not your fault
The fact that you can speak up about it show your courage to face it and being ready to change things for the positive...NEVER GIVE UP
@amiableSailboat2845
Awww thank you so much! I really wanna heal myself because i want to be able to have healthy relationships with others and just feel better, but at times it feel HARD. I also noticed i grieve a lot the childhood that i never had. Sometimes when i think about it it hurts me in the chest and it's getting hard to breathe. My mental health is starting to affect my physical health. My whole body is hurting now.
Your most welcome..Today is about you but I just want to share something with you.. See We may have faced different situations but at the end we lost our childhood into thinking on how we will save ourselves from pain rather than just enjoying it... For me it was bullying since I was 7years and whenever I went back home from school to tell my mother she would always ask me to tell the teacher not knowing that I just trusted her and I could not open up to my class teacher so with this I just shut myself so whenever there was any kind of home bullying or school I had noone to turn to.. Cause the problem is I was just born with this shy personality and I couldn't never defend myself so I always lived in fear.. I thought that the only solution was going to a boarding school at the age of 10 years where I would just be by myself away from home I never loved boarding but I loved every fact that I would live my life just byme but it got worse we all know how tough boarding can be and you know I turned my self defense into fists to protect me.. Long story but let me just end with the bit 😊 and that's why am here at 7 cups I joined yesterday, a place that I can find people who understand what you face since we have silent battles that only our hearts understand... I need you to try and stay positive nomatter what.. The reason I survived is because all along I alway knew that I had to survive just for me.. And understand that not everyone will relate to our situations some just find it as a problem or that we are just seeking attention so FIGHT FOR YOU.. Heart pain will always affect our physical being... We can get through this
Our past will always find a way to affect us when we are grown ups.. I never understood what that meant until now cause it's easier for us to get emotionally hurt right now, trust is an issue for us, we feel lonely and we always want to attack with words so quick or be rude because we can always feel that noone is sincere with their affections or words.. It's hard but you can do it
Whenever you feel low find that one thing you love doing if it's art, or writing do it and breathe.. It's okay to grieve cause it's not your fault you had to go through it.. Allow yourself to feel it, accept it and think about how beautiful your future is.. You are not alone and remind yourself that the reason you are still here is because you survived through it meaning YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE
@schrodingerscattt 😥 gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤squeezes you tightly ❤ you know what just cause your dad was suffering from trauma is not an excuse to traumatise you. I didn't have family or friends either. My heart goes out to you ❤ I wish I could go back in time and comfort little you too.
but you know what, you are much better than they will ever be, you are kind and sweet and loving. So forget them it's almost xmas, spoil yourself do nice things just for you ❤ I know memories and trauma suck. Gives you another hug ❤ let's you know you are beautiful and special and not alone ❤
Hey, how are you feeling today, how have you been
