Celebration

TW for Death & Suicide

Today was my last official day of senior year and it's been rough. For a quick rundown, I'm eighteen and my entire school experience has been insanely hard for me. My dad passed away right before the beginning of freshman year, I've struggled heavily with PTSD and ADHD my whole life, and I had planned to die before just about every semester. When I wasn't desperately trying to cope with my mental health, I was trying to help support my family and deal with my, and others medical issues. I've worked so hard to get this far and it feels like a miracle that I even passed middle school. I thought I'd be proud of myself when I got here but I'm not. None of my family knows it was my last day, and I'm not gonna be able to walk the stage. It just feels so insignificant, I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I know I don't need to rely on others to feel proud or to appreciate the occasion, but I can't think of a time where I was genuinely celebrated for something. I see other people making any kind of deal out of their graduation, celebrating with friends, even just having dinner. I don't really know where I'm going with this, I feel like I brought it upon myself. I declined walking the stage because everything has been so hectic and stressful, graduation was the last thing on my mind, and it seemed like just another thing to worry about. Even then just to hear a friend or family member say they're proud of me or any sort of acknowledgement of how desperately I worked to get through it would give me something to hold on to. It's hard to feel proud of myself when nobody else is. 

I'm trying to remember that the lack of celebration I've received in life will only make it more meaningful when I do receive recognition. I'm putting this here so that it somehow feels more real, it doesn't feel like it now, but I know how proud I am of myself. Ever since I was a kid I've held so much of myself together so I can take care of the people I love and be the best person I can for them. I've worked my *** off to ensure any kind of future for myself, I know how smart and capable I am, and I know I deserve to be appreciated. I'm hoping to do something for myself because I haven't had a chance to recognize how far I've come, and I don't want to just sit and wallow in self-pity. 

I feel extremely uncomfortable asking for this, but if anyone reads this, I would greatly appreciate some kind words. I got through high school!!