Existential/Quarter Life Crisis

@adventurousSquare543

Hello hello. I am someone who has also started and gotten past the worst of the quarter life crisis. I recognize a lot of the things you are saying here. Some of my thoughts may resonate with you and some of them may not at all, but I'd like to share :)

As someone who has attended college in which I transferred and in the process took classes at like 5 colleges including small and big, public and private, ivy league, and no-name, conventional vs weird, done some community college...etc. I want to give you some perspective from my experience about some of your worries. Perhaps it will be useful to hear from someone who has lived a bit of this and saw how it can play out.

1. College does not have to be social, nor does it have to be fun and games. It can be about get in, get out, get my degree, make money...etc. You don't even need to try to fit in to get the end goal. Heck, I'm pretty sure there is a lot of online college these days for that purpose. Financially, many people work while taking one class at a time, or they work for a university to get hella tuition benefits. College is rewarding hard work for a lot of people and not necessarily a social or fun atmosphere. There's also community college, trade school...etc. Trades can be pretty damn profitable if you can't do a traditional degree/job. Also, there's potential to run your own business with a flexible schedule, which may be good for people with serious mental health concerns.

2. You have a lot of worries about providing for family, following passions...etc. These are genuine worries, and they do not magically go away if you do not address them. Getting out of poverty is about being lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time to be able to make a smart choice. If you have the means to go to college, definitely consider it while you are able!!! Financial freedom is a major boost to resolve your worries. Being able to provide for yourself feels amazing. It can feel so amazing it won't matter if the job isn't doing something earth-shattering or cool! When you go to college, I highly suggest picking a major for the financial and lifestyle benefits. Things like... computer science, data science, engineering, finance and accounting...etc. are the only profitable majors most schools offer other than things like the trades...etc. Other majors are for the most part, worthless unless you're going right to PhD, which is a lot of time in poverty and NOT having fun believe me. Anyone can learn to code, anyone can learn math, and once you realize that you can be good at it eventually if you only apply yourself and not worry too much about failure because eventually you know if you just keep at it you're gonna succeed, it actually becomes fun.

3. I had a disease ages 12-22 that nearly killed me, prevented me from having friends, made me live in constant pain, and was supposed to end my life before 18. Oh, and it also made me ugly. Think: overweight female who only gets a shower once every 4 months, has no hair, her wounds don't heal, her skin is the color of death, and tons of acne. I escaped fragile and physically disabled due to a rare experimental treatment. I was so SURE my life was going to end badly and that there was nothing that could be done. I learned quite a few things about the biiiiig picture of life from that experience...

• The #1 most important thing in life is our relationship with the people we love and care about. Literally nothing else matters. Your jobs, accomplishments, school...etc. come last on the priority list. Everyone on their deathbed wants more time with those people. All the joy I look for in life is in relationship to my favorite people. I dedicate a lot of my free time to building community and friendships. I join all sorts of volunteer organizations, hobbies, and invite women from the internet into my home for game nights and movie nights and just love hosting little gatherings. I don't like people but I realized that they are what sustains your health when things go to ***, and my health has improved by adding them into my life. I have to go looking for them. They do not come to me. I sign up for all sorts of stuff just to get myself in front of people.
• You never truly can predict that things are going to go horribly in life. All you can do is try your best and hope it pans out. Life doesn't just surprise you with bad awful terrible things, it also surprises you with wonderful, good, benevolent things too. By just "putting myself out there" in the community and shoving myself in front of people, things started to happen. Boys drop out of the sky who want to date me, nice people drop out of the sky who announce that they want to be my friend. Animals drop out of the sky who want pets from me.
• I'm a woman with good self-esteem. I had good self-esteem when I was ugly, and I had good self-esteem even when I became a lot less ugly and even somewhat pretty after my recovery. I have insecurities and annoyances about my appearance and existence but it doesn't weigh on me. My secret is my attitude: This world is such a harsh place in certain environments that it literally doesn't matter if you are ugly, disfigured, not-good-enough, not going to a prestigious enough university...etc. If you are a good person that is literally ALL that matters in this world. People cannot impress me with anything other than their genuine wholesome goodness and human spirit because I see through the BS. Other very kind knowing people ALSO see through the BS.
• It doesn't matter if you suck at something. You can learn. That means if you apply yourself, you can become an expert. If school is challenging, that means you're learning. It does NOT mean that you suck. It doesn't matter if you suck, if you keep learning, you will stop ***.
• Success of therapy scientifically supposedly depends solely on your ability to connect with a therapist. I've been in a lot of therapy, and I do think this is true. You could use a support person, at the very least, a cheerleader who helps you set goals to get through this. There are all sorts of therapists out there. Some people need someone to just listen to them talk, other people with more... practical concerns like a solutions-focused one or a life coach.
• Life is precious, even the awful parts. I was in excruciating physical pain with my disease while being sexually abused on my deathbed by my medical providers. It doesn't get worse than that. I fought to be on this earth knowing I would have more miserable painful days because I was not going to give up my opportunity to adventure simply by existing. My story did not end in the hellfire I predicted. It would have been a tragedy for my story to end there at that point in time, never knowing what it was like to have a different less unburdened existence.
• Uglier more simple people have found love. Just look at all the reality shows on TV. We can too.
• On the most horrible of horrible days, it may feel like you can't go on. On those days, there is one path forward. It is a single narrow path that you pave carefully and slowly, laying down one tile at a time. Tiles all made of love. What I'm saying here is that by doing truly good deeds for others, you make yourself useful. When you're feeling horrible about how things are going, you can remember that you at least have a skill (cheering people up, easing a burden, saving an animal) that makes you useful. And that you have more usefulness left in you.

Anyways, I think/hope the future could be brighter than your worries. I think that because you have some concerns here that have practical solutions like acne, self-image issues, love, virginity worries and loneliness. I'm a statistics-minded person and I think statistically the odds are good considering that improving things in those areas can significantly improve a person's quality of life.

Best of luck to you! I hope at least one thing I might have said here resonated and I hope more people respond.

@adventurousSquare543 Hi. That is certainly a long list. I can feel the anxiety in my own body from what you described. You mentioned that you have been dealing with this for several months now. That is a long time for the snowball of panic to roll down hill. You might want to talk to a therapist to help you manage this panic. I think you have some genuine concerns but it also sounds perhaps you are trying to jam a movie of you’re entire life into a few hours. Sometimes it helps to have others around us to help us “level set” and gain a little perspective. Sometimes it helps to sit down, close the eyes and breath. Can you breath? Yes. Are you healthy? Have you eaten today? Are you in mortal danger? These are some questions to slow down and gain perspective. Certainly if you are nourished, safe etc., you have a chance to take next steps. Next steps are, “Where am I? Where do I want to be? What can I do to get there?” But you can only approach these when you have gotten through the panic. You must not ask these questions WHEN you’re panicking. A panicked planning session does you no good. Also, consider that Rome was not built in a day as the saying goes. Your life of the next 75 years cannot be lived out in your head. You’ll have a better perspective on whether your whole life was a failure when you reach 99.5 years. You’ve made it to 25. That in itself is success. Survival may sound small in comparison to your goals. It your goals are just plans in your head. Plans you wouldn’t have without what is solid and tangible - your life at THIS very minute. You can’t live in the next minute in THIS minute. Can you REALLY predict the future accurately? If so, why are you not working on Wall St.? My contention is that you are probably not much better at fortune telling than the rest of us. Breath! Be grateful for what you have now. Breath. Relax. Regroup. Start again.

@adventurousSquare543

I am inviting you to join me in the Sharing Circle chat room ! 😊