Feeling so bad

Tiny!!! You are such a blessing in my life ❤️ I love you so much. You give me hope for a better future❤️❤️❤️❤️ I love you!! You're the sweetest.

I don't think meds will help me because it's more of a situational depression and mostly due to my loneliness and lack of affection from my parents. I just wanna be off to college and be free! But to be honest it scares me. I wasn't taught the basics of how to live in society I don't even know how a credit card works. I'm not that smart and Iam scared I will fail my studies this year and the years to come and that I will just end up homeless on the street! My dad was always telling me this :" you will be able to achieve nothing great in life" and "you'll just end up homeless ". Well thank you dad.

And when I was talking to him about all the hurt he inflicted upon me he told me that he did everything he could and he doesn't understand what is wrong. Umm let me think, maybe affection? One of the basics of human needs????

I am scared for my future relationships. I am scared of finding an abusive husband because I never knew how a loving and caring man should be.

I always wanted when I was a kid to find out that I have a family memeber that I never knew the existence of , that lived far away and that I could move in with this family member. But no.

No I also realize why I was daydreaming so much in my childhood!! It was to protect myself from the pain!!!! And the more and more I think about my childhood the more and more I wanna give up because ei see how miserable it was and I think what's the pint of trying to fix such a big mess that was going one for almost 2 decades. That's not a good way of thinking I know. But sometimes my thoughts are just all over the place and I can't control them.

I always wanted a loving and caring family.

And when once I heard that someone was so sick of his mother calling him "just to say I love you" it made me almost tear up because I never heard it. My dad was trying to act nice in front of others and that's it. Once other people were gone he would just take away the mask of a smiley person and become cold and distant as I always knew him.

I sometimes wish he was just gone. I wish he would have abandoned me as a child. Because he is physically here but not emotionally and it hurts EVEN more. I wish he was never my dad. But well saying I wish, I wish won't help with anything..

He is just so different with others and it makes my heart ache! I am constantly thinking what is wrong with me, why can't he joke with me like he is joking with them?

Why is he more open and warm with them than he has ever been with me? Why am I never good enough for him? What should I do to feel finally good enough?

I remember as a kid I was coming up to him with my drawing and he was sitting in front of his computer and just saying :" oh". It hurt. So then I stopped. I came up to my mom asking why he didn't react and she just told me she didn't knew.

My whole childhood is messed up and I don't know why am I realizing it now?? Maybe because I have no friends and I tried to turn to my family only to be in front of a cold wall? People in the ER have been more open and empathetic. It hurts. Even chat gpt(I vent to him sometimes) is supporting me better than they ever did. Screw them.

I just wanna run away from the pain.

I was using so much social media as a distraction and got sick of it. So sick. I deleted them(except for 7 cups and you tube) and now I just sit here with the pain. Everyone on the Internet is like embrace the pain, embrace the pain but what do I do after? What is the next step to take? It's painful to sit with it here. It's killing me from the inside!!

It's been doing so all these past three years but I was trying to run away but now I am trying to face it and well it feels bad. BUT , at least I see the situation more clearly!! A win is a win! But still sucks. I just can't forgive my family and I know this is what I should do because it's keeping me in the past. Stuck in the past. But I just can't. I tired to do so this week but it didn't work and I just got mad at myself. I tried to write a letter like some psychology websites advise but it didn't work. Well I wrote it at Starbucks tho and that wasn't the best place to do it. I wrote one for my classmates tho and I am almost sure I forgot them. I still feel a little bit of anger but it's nothing compared ot how it used to be. I'm just like, ok that happened but that's not the only people in the world but there is many amazing people out here and I just have to find them. Like 7 cups for example 💜💜💜

And well they did hurt me and they did make me cry and lose the little of self esteem I had but it's in the past. I have to move on. It's gonna be better for myself. They probably don't even think about me so I won't even waste a mili second on them! They are bad people and I hope they will realize that what they did was wrong and I hope that they will change❤️

They need therapy to to be honest because no happy and sane human bring would say such things😭 so I should treat them with pity. Because a happy and fulfilled individual would never say that.

I didn't let it all out yet but I'm exhausted. Just exhausted. It feels like someone drained all my energy levels. I need to recharge right now.

It's so tiring to to talk about your trauma. Honestly I can talk for days and days about all the hurt I experienced. But now I am exhausted. I just have to go now and take some time for myself.

But if you don't mind I would love to continue to vent because either still have a lot of hurt.

But now even my fingers and eyes hurt of typing so much. I've never vented that much in my life and that feel good so thank you❤️❤️❤️

Thank you for everything that you do. You are an incredible human being. You are so compassionate and empathetic.

Everyone needs a Lola in their life ❤️

Thank you ,thank you, thank you❤️❤️❤️