Hard week, feeling alone and overlooked

A friend of mine died this Tuesday at 17 years old. I’d fallen asleep when I got home that day, she sent me a goodbye and I saw it ten minutes too late when I woke up.

My meds have been slowly wearing off since Sunday, leaving me with a lot of depression and little support. I haven’t gone to school in three days because I just… can’t do that right now.

One of the places I do still go, my fencing club, tends to recognize a lot of people for their hard work in making it a better space. This week I guess it hit a little harder that I wasn’t recognized, felt like I’m just invisible and overlooked.

I don’t have anyone anymore I can be fully honest with. She’d been the one person who knew the full extent of how I felt, and now she’s gone. Somehow she always made me feel better about the little things like being overlooked or hard days at school. I miss her.

It feels like no matter what I do, I just can’t be good enough for the world. Like I should just accept being in the background, accept that maybe I just don’t deserve to rewarded or recognized.

It feels like there’s no hope anymore, because the fall I’m going through is inevitable once started. It feels like I’ve only got so many months left, and I’ll never been really seen again in them. Like when I go, I’ll just disappear from the background unnoticed.

Things just… can’t seem to get better. It’s made me think I’m the problem, it’s just me being me that’s caused all this. Maybe that’s true, I don’t know.

I miss how she laughed. And how she texted, there was always a little “aaa” somewhere, like she was delighted to just be talking with me. She was so sweet all the time too. She was smart as *** too, even if she couldn’t she it.

I wish her family had been better to her. Wish she could’ve actually seen herself, wish she didn’t have to hurt so much.

I don’t know. She was like a sister. I miss her.

Yeah tough week. I guess I just… needed somewhere to put all this. And I guess, to be honest, I just can’t stand to be overlooked in this to, to struggle alone and have no one see it. Sorry if I did anything wrong.