I am feeling terrible since beginning of 2023 . now i want to accept it

hi, i am 17. I think I am addicted to something I call "sadness p***ography". I've been on this platform since the beginning of this year and realised that I have been complaining most of the time. Complaining about self-called "depression" and later "crushes" and my mom. but I've realised that life is just terrible and my future if it's bright, will bring new sets of challenges for me. Now in those hard times, I could rather cry on this platform about my problems or just face it. now about that sadness part, Today my feelings for my crush were crushed but I felt a sense of relief. I realised that my crushes were not forming because of the person's attractiveness or something I feel no attraction towards even the most popular and "beautiful" girl in class. My crushes were forming because I didn't like myself. I'm not insecure. I just hate myself. Rather I realised my sense of Identity was slowly fading away for the sake of my Mom's expectations. I think that most of my Depression and anxiety are triggered because of my mom and myself. She usually says that she will throw me out of the house if I don't study well. Although she calls me with names of animals, I don't want to confront her about my feelings. because in turn, she'll just say "I wish you were never born". In other words, I'm so much dissatisfied with people around me that I would rather prefer sleeping under bridges rather than explaining my problems to my family members. Since I'm a minor kid, they will have to pay for my expenses, but as soon as I turn 18, I want to leave them as soon as possible. I think I have a good level of skills that I can sustain myself.

I think that I suffer from multiple mental health issues. Now I think that I have to talk about it now. I don't know the names of these issues specifically but I can describe them. Also, I have never been diagnosed with any mental illness officially.

I was S.A. as a boy when I was 11. I suffered from extreme anxiety for much of my 6-7th grade. When covid hit I was depressed during grade 8-9. In class 10th I became the silent kid. Though I did participate in public speaking events. At the beginning of 2023, I was severely depressed about the fact that I nearly ended my life. at that time Nobody came for my help. I tried to reach out to one of my female friends but she said that I am proposing to her for a relationship. later when I met her in a Parent-teacher meeting, she said that she has been feeling sorry for me, but I don't know why I shouted "shut up b*tch". then later I realised my anger issues were getting out of hand.

during May I had my second crush. Though the first one was never possible (and I am kind of happy with it), I tried to pursue my second crush to this very day until she said that she hates me.

I think I know why she hates me. I think its the same reason why I hate myself. I hate myself because I don't work hard, I just fake everything. I have no skills of effective communication. and I look stupid in every possible way.

whenever I have crushes, My inner voice says that I am no different than the man who SA me. When I am away from my crush, My inner voice says how coward I am. Whenever I meet a professional, from my teacher to my dentist, My inner voice screams that I waste everyone's time.

i just want to say that being disliked by a single person is one thing, But when every guy around you complains how much you suck, then something is inherently wrong with you.

Also I realised that I'm not smart enough. Im preparing for the JEE engineering exam. with 1 million applicants and 0.8% selection rate, I think that I won't be able to make it. Recently I gave a All India test in which there were 50K students, my rank was mere 14500 something. Though its impressive in itself, Its not really good enough to be successful in eyes of typical indian parents.

also My parents always complain about how much they have spent on me and I'm not performing to their standards. though they never gave exam like this themselves.

this same year I realised that I am bisexual. (although I am not 100% sure about my sexuality)

Also, I involuntarily think about death every day. I have not made any plans yet but I feel worthless every day.

i don't want any sympathy online on this platform in the form of "sending hugs or kisses" because its, first of all, lame and secondly, it won't improve my everyday life

I just fed up with my condition. i wish that everyone loved and liked me in real life, rather I feel neglected and excluded almost every day. I don't feel happiness because even if I do, the next person will say the words which would bring down my happiness level from 100 to -50

I don't know how to fix my life.