I apologize in advance for the long rant

ok so i started texting this guy the end of 2024. i had just got out of a 5 month talking stage or relationship(this was my first ever one)honestly idk what to call it and i wasn’t looking for anything serious at the time. we talked for a week and then we stopped. again i didn’t really care but then a month later he reached back out and we started talking again. this time it was for 2 months(end of january to the end of march) during this time we started seeing each other in person, going on car dates, and getting to know each other. he said he wanted to be exclusive but at the time i didn’t know what i wanted. it was this other guy who went to my school(this guy didn’t) and we weren’t messing around but just playfully flirting and stuff idk that is not really relevant right now. but yea we stopped talking but we never left off on bad terms. i have avoidant attachment issues so i just never reached out and we both just had our own life and stuff to worry about. again i was fine with it. he texted me happy birthday(i actually remembered his birthday and texted him too)and on the holidays and this is when i started to actually think about how deeply i felt for him. we weren’t even serious and he remembered my birthday and kept wishing me good on holidays and saying he missed me. so i started thinking maybe right person wrong time. maybe we can make things work in the future. fast forward to the middle of march. we started talking again and everything was going good. he moved like 2 hours away so we were just texting and making plans for when he’s back out here. the end of march he comes back and we went out and had so much fun. this time we both said we wanted more out of this, maybe even a relationship. this was the first time i ever said anything like that bc that’s truly how i felt and what i wanted. i enjoyed his company and he’s a real gentleman. this was the first time we ever got touchy or anything. one thing i hate is a freaked out person who just wants to do freaky things 24/7. and he’s not like that at all he was very respectful and asked before putting his hands in certain places. i was uncomfortable at first bc im usually very avoidant but i told myself to calm down and i was fine after. but yes everything went good and i felt safe around him. he makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world(even though sometimes i don’t believe him) and he even gave me his jacket to keep. even a week after we kept talking everyday but it might of just been a high. anyway the point of saying all this was to say now we’re still “talking” but it’s only sending snap streaks. a part of me is fine with that(due to being avoidant) but another part of me knows that that’s the reason i’m fine with it and wants more. idk what to do. he’s always been a bad texter( lagging for over 20 hours) which makes me overthink but in person he’s the perfect person. i want him but i don’t want what we have now. it’s like im in love with a stranger. this avoidance attachment is killing me. like i relapsed and think about him all the time but i just can’t text him. and then another part of me just says let it be bc i haven’t told him about my mh and the things i do to myself and he might think im weird for it. idk this isn’t even half of the thoughts i have. i hope this makes sense idk if it even makes sense to me. i probably sound illiterate too 😭 i promise im not. this is just how my brain sounds right now, all over the place. if you made it this far, thanks for listening to my nonsense rant.