I don’t know if I should even be on this website

Sorry in advance if this doesn’t make sense for anyone that might read this I’m kinda just scratching down whatever my mind thinks of,

I've Been feeling this profound numbness/apathy for years now and I don’t know what to do anymore, I used to be so happy when I was younger I loved my family, I enjoyed going out with friends, I had tons of hobbies but nowadays it’s become such a fleeting feeling that I feel guilty about it sometimes.

I think things first started when I got in my first serious relationship when I was in highschool, to cut a long story short I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship for a very long time, my mind was always overthinking everything they did or said to find any reason they’d cheat again or that I wasn’t good enough or that they were bored of me, I was always scared to get texts from them because I always had the thought in the back of my mind that I did something wrong and everything was over, that I wasn’t good enough, or that they found someone better and they didn’t bother to break things off with me before hand (again), even when we’d go our separate ways in the end she or I would always come crawling back because we were the only ones that could put up with. 

I wish I could at least cry over this or something but even now I just have this constant mess of *** in my head that only makes me feel like garbage mostly

sorry again I’m just realizing this post was just me complaining about some bad relationship I was in, I just want to be able to talk to people again