I feel like I have gone crazy... Trigger Warnings ahead.

I'm sorry, I don't know if this is the right place to post this sort of thing, I am new, if I did something wrong please let me know, I'm sorry.

I feel like I have gone crazy. About 2 and a half years ago, I officially stopped myself from engaging in self harming, particularly that of scratching at the skin until I bled. However, the feeling that I deserve to feel pain never stopped. So for the about past year or so, I have manipulated a close friend of mine online into doing it for me, so to speak. I manipulated my friend into verbally and emotionally abusing me, because I felt like that's what I deserved. I do not know why I feel this way, but the feeling does not go away. My friend is innocent, they did not have bad intentions, though I would prefer not to go into the specific details of how I got them to treat me in such a way intentionally. Needless to say though, when my friend found out that I had used them and manipulated them to do my willing, they were hurt. I never meant to hurt them, I only wanted myself to feel pain.

After the realization of what I had truly just done, I started to freak out. I started feeling, and still do feel, like I am a danger to all of my other friends. If I could manipulate somebody into becoming a monster because that is what I wanted, what's stopping me from doing the same to other people, whether I mean to or not? So to protect the people I care about, I cut them all off. I do not want to hurt anybody else. These people were my only support, they're in a sense the only thing keeping me alive even, because without them my life feels empty and worthless. I cannot turn to family. I have had a few of said friends reach out to me out of concern, but I can't help pushing them away because I don't want to endanger them with the monster that I am.

As a result of everything that has been happening, care for myself physically has been failing. I have been intentionally starving myself, not eating any food until I am pretty much forced to by the end of the day for dinner. One day I did the opposite, I tried to overeat to the point of vomiting, it almost worked. Again.. I don't know why I felt the way I did that got me into this position in the first place. I know I have some sort of issue. The only explanation I can think of is that I am just crazy, and as a result of being crazy, toxic and dangerous.