Im really tired
Hai ,Im 14 yo,this is the first time I've used this forum.
I want to talk about my mother.
I feel exhausted.I don't know what her problem is,she always tries to put pressure on me.I always try my best to please her,but she only looked for my flaws to insult and humiliate me.My grades weren't good, she yelled at me and threatened me. I tried to improve my grades and complete my assignments, but she didn't care.She installed a tracking app on all the devices in the house and put a camera in my room (right now, I'm sitting here writing in fear that she'll find out I'm writing on the forum).
I just wished I could go to extra classes so I wouldn't have to stay home, but a few times when I didn't do my homework, she threatened me and forced me to choose between quitting school, getting a job, or sleeping with her and still being allowed to go to school, or sleeping separately but having to pay for my own tuition.
After a week, I couldn't make a choice because everything was disadvantageous to me (I was thinking that if she asked, I would choose to sleep with her and get to attend extra classes). She made me quit all my extra classes and pay for the previous lessons myself. In addition, I would have to do all the housework just like she used to do—to put it bluntly, I would be replacing her role.
Our family is absolutely not poor, money is not an issue here.
Every time I did something, she would scold me, whether it was good or bad. I couldn't stand it anymore and I would sh in the bathroom every time she yelled at me.
Usually, when I'm feeling really desperate, I listen to music and read fanfiction to distract myself from my problems, but this is too much to bear. I feel nauseous and have stomachaches whenever I see anything that reminds me of my issues.
I didn't even have the courage to end
what should i do?I live on the 9th floor, and every time I walk across the balcony, I feel dizzy and hopeless.
I'm caught between feelings of hatred, resentment, and guilt because she's my mother.
On top of that, I think I suffer from a rather severe sleep disorder, there is no medical proof of this—I am simply observing the signs myself.
@FriedShrimp
I'm sorry you're going through so much. I can see how it would be hard to make positive changes when the efforts aren't acknowledged. Can you point to a time when things first started getting difficult with your mom?
Whatever started the problems, among the issues that may be a serious factor are habitual and repeating arguments and emotional reactions that actually may interefere with finding solutions you both can agree to. It's like a dance of negativity, and each person has their set of movements. For example, when you say something, she "automatically" repeats something she's said many times before, then you repeat your own "script" back to her. The result is both of you are upset and nothing is resolved.
That also often happens between married couples.
It may be that your mom is having difficulty "letting go" of the level of control she had over your life when you were younger. Is it possible that she sees something of herself in you, and is trying to keep you from making the same mistakes she did?
I think the only way to make progress in improving relationships is to wait till the people involved wait till both of them are feeling calm. Without doing that, it's very likely that the circular conversations mentioned above will be triggered.
Perhaps none of the concepts I've mentioned have anything to do with what you're going through, but maybe they'll elicit useful thoughts regarding how to improve communications and bring about greater peace.
One more thing: It's super important that you take good care of your health. Sleep patterns are a huge part of that. With sleep disturbances, all areas of life are affected. Most certainly, grades are. Is it possible for you to discuss this with a doctor or therapist?
There are a lot of changes happening to you right now. Although it may seem that time is moving slowly, when you look back in a few years, this period will seem to have passed in a heartbeat. You will find yourself more automanous, with both greater freedoms and responsibilities.
I hope that while you're struggling with your situation, there are bits of time here and there when you can just relax and have a bit of fun. That can help make it all seem worthwhile.
@Spiritriver Thanks for your reply, I’m doing a little better now.
Feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk or distract you
@spectacularBerry913 Thanks, but talking doesn't really help me all that much.😭
@FriendShrimp It sounds really difficult. I imagine how trapped you must feel. I also want to acknowledge that I see you stay increasingly self-aware for your age. The idea of negotiating extra classes sounds really smart. I am sad to hear it didn’t work. I can’t say how this conversation looked like or if there was a chance for it to look different. I can imagine that even if you showed up mature and respectful some people might hate it cause it makes them feel smaller and use authority to feel back in control.
Is there any grownup family member that supports you somehow?
It can be really hard to be in environment with lots of negative emotions. It can be even harder if you don’t follow the same pattern.
The time to becoming an adult might seem like a lot now. And it’s not little. There should still be much more time of your life after. Stay. Survive. This world needs more considerate and thoughtful people and less heartless authority.
What if you prioritize your safety and securing a path to independence? If you are able to build a support for yourself with trusted people in your life or even 7 cups listeners or communities?
What if you test your mom with showing up some safe for you vulnerability? Like asking for her opinion about insignificant for you things like a color preference between A or B? To test giving her some control when it doesn’t matter and see if it lessens a grip when it suffocates you? Does she sound to you like someone who constantly needs to prove to themselves that they are in control for some reason? Seeing it as a weakness that it would be and handling it as such could help
@pinkCherry1616 Thanks for your reply; it really helped me.
@FriendShrimp I am happy to hear that you secured your education.
I still suggest finding a safe connection where you can talk with someone (here it could be one listener or each time someone else). Maybe not to fix everything about you home situation but to have a space to have regulated connection. Might give you a better chance for mental and emotional growth. Like having some exposure to alternative treatment then the one you get at home.
Hugs 🫂
