Lost and exhausted

I feel like I'm at my wits end. I feel like I'm going insane. I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted. I need to talk to someone... preferably a professional therapist but I can't afford it so I don't know what to do except just keep on keeping on but that's getting harder and harder.

I can't afford medical care and even if I could the American healthcare system is a freaking joke. I have so many things wrong with me and I can't get evaluated to determine what's going on with my body and brain.

I believe I'm neurodivergent but can't afford to get tested to figure out if it's ADHD, Autism, or both. Or maybe it's none of those and it's CPTSD from my traumatic childhood. I just don't know. But I'm so confused about myself...about my brain and my body and since I'm not officially diagnosed with anything I believe I have, I feel like people don't take me seriously and I get made to feel like I'm crazy or faking it for attention or that I'm just lazy and trying to make excuses when I promise you that's not the case at all but I feel like nobody believes me so for years and years I've just suffered in silence because I didn't want to be misunderstood.

I have PMOS (formerly PCOS) and have been in chronic pain and dealing with chronic fatigue among other stuff linked to PMOS since I was a pre-teen but again nobody took me seriously when I voiced it and I was told to just lose weight. All through my teenage years, that's all I was told about any ailment or illness I had. "You just have to be more active and eat right and lose weight and your problems will disappear." But I couldn't exercise easily without being in extreme pain and I was told the pain was normal and to just push through it. I'm only now realizing that it was in fact, not normal.

I'll be 40 next year but I don't feel 40 at all. If I'm being honest, I feel like a teenager trapped in a 40 year old 's body. It's like my teenage brain froze in time and didn't grow up while my body aged. I don't know if that could be the undiagnosed neurodivergence or if it's something like Adult Child Syndrome due to my childhood trauma...but being an adult is so hard.

I just don't know. But I hate it here. And I don't know how to talk to anyone about it because I feel like they'll just think I'm crazy or that I'm just faking for attention.

I've masked for so long trying to be what everyone expected of me as an adult. I've pushed through the physical pain and the mental stress for so long and now I'm at a point where I don't know if I can keep doing it. I'm so tired.

Thank you for listening.