Lost my will to live

Hey. I don't really want to d@e but *** it's hard. It's so so hard. My parents always thought I will fail and it still hurts thinking about it. I feel like I am fulfilling their prophecy. I really do feel like a failure. I feellike I am never enough. I always thought love was conditional. I never thought I was just lovable on my own. Even now I hate myself when I am not productive I feel like a lazy b, just how my parents called me. I feel like I always need to prove my existence. I feel like the worst person in the world. I HATE AND DESPISE MY HORRIBLE BEING. I am genuinely sorry to all the people I talked to. You wasted your time on a horrible and stupid loser. I'm so sorry.  I usually am ok eith myself but after every interaction with my parents I HATE myself. My situation is very complicated but the main idea is that I can't go no contact. I'm low contact but even this hurts me a lot. I want to be loved so bad by someone. It hurts to feel unlovable. It hurts to feel all alone and like you don't matter. I don't even know if I made any contributions on here. I just feel a waste of space. I always wanted to achieve great things and be a successful person. I'm very far off right now. I don't even know how I will achieve it. I need a supportive system asap because I'm drowning in my pain and it becomes unbearable to do it on my own. 

I really needed to vent because I'm not feeling ok.