My first post, couple problems

@zalle73 May help

Feeling Good Together, Dr. David Burns

Hello! :)

I mean well and I will try to give the same input I would give to a friend or a family member.

There is a tl;dr at the bottom if this is too much.

1. STOP CALLING HER NAMES

I am happy you know your own part in this. Calling her names is not productive. It causes only harm and no good, so please prevent that as much as you can, I know that can be hard sometimes though, we are all human and sometimes say things we shouldn't. Calling her lazy or useless will only make things worse, so make it your goal to not approach things in that way. You're a team.

2. TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE REASONS ARE

I can relate to her being a perfectionist and sometimes 'useless'. I have mental health reasons for that, however. I think there is a big difference if the person just doesn't care to do more and just wants to boss others around and tell them how to do things, or if she is simply struggling potentially with depression or something like that, she already expects a lot from herself as well and is trying to do better. If she is already actively trying, you just need to be supportive and kind, and she should do better slowly over time. If she is not even trying, you need to communicate that you need her to put in more effort. What is her opinion on all this? Does she think she is doing enough?

3. SET UP BOUNDARIES

She shouldn't be taking you calling her names. But you also shouldn't take her not putting in any effort. You two need to establish that with each other. I don't talk with anyone calling me names, as they are being unproductive. Tell her you'll stop doing that or that she should just go away when you do that. Otherwise, you're just making things worse. Show her that you're trying to approach things in a productive way and that you are in it together. You're not trying to fight, because you're a team.

As for your side, help her establish a way where she gets the most important things done. Just enough for you to feel like she is putting in the effort. Don't expect perfection. Ask about what she thinks she can do and what she can't. Try to ask about the bigger things like the door taking forever. You can take the tasks that she isn't good at. Then for the regular things like client emails, set up a system that will work for her. For example, have her answer the emails every day from 8-9 and then from 15-16 (depending on your needs). If any email takes too long for a particular reason, explore that reason and try to teach her how to solve that next time so it won't take so long. And have some sort of a system where so you can see when an email wasn't answered for too long. And for example, if she is wasting time with one of the more complicated emails, for example, she could answer all the easy ones and forward you just the complicated ones. So at least the bulk of them is done.

4. REALISE THAT WE HAVE DIFFERENT CAPABILITIES

I've worked with people before and I thought them how to do the stuff I did. And I struggled with my patience towards them, as they had trouble doing the stuff I considered the most basic. (I had to do it correctly right away, why can't they do the same? Why do I need to explain things I figured out on my own?) We are all different and it must be in a way hard to work together with a loved one. I'd be prone to putting too much pressure on my partner and I'd have to actively work on that for sure.

Realistically, the way you do things might not work for her. She might not be as good at getting through the emails as you might want her to be and she might not care too much about the emails getting answered. I think it's important to realize that she might just not be the best at it or she might not be as motivated as you. If that is the case you will need to lower your expectations in that sense and maybe try and help motivate her. Help her help you.

TL;DR: You're a team so play on the same side and for your common good. You both need to always understand that you're on the same side. Try to communicate clearly and have a good understanding of why she is the way she is. Express what you need from her, and have her tell you what she needs. Try to address situations in a productive manner without arguing and figure out together how to improve things in the future.

@zalle73 hi this is my first comment as well. I have procrastination issues like your wife so I hope to give you some thoughts from her standing.

I am sorry you have to put up with it, I'm sure she does feel bad about herself sometimes too, as I often do this myself but I can't gather any motivation to change. I think you haven't had the chance to talk about it in peace with her, as your confession said, "confront" and verbal insult is hurtful and might make her hold a grudge against facing the truth. Try to recall when this habit started becoming abnormal. If she has always been the case then it'd require a lot more work, otherwise she could be suffering from mental hardships, as procrastination is a common sign of depression/too much stress.

Try to have a heart-to-heart conversation in a safe environment, tell her that you love her and you want to help because it's hurting both of you and the relationship. Get therapy or couple counselling when you think you can't deal with it alone. You'll also need to involve in her overcoming process if she shows that she wants to change. I know it's uncomfortable to act generous when you are the victim of another's flaws but it will pay off.

Wish you the best of luck.

@zalle73

Good Morning (here).

First, pinkTree6732 has some great feedback. When in a relationship, it is a Team of choice.
In a 20+ relationship here.

You know what you know. Don't question it.
You love her, Perfect!
You work together. Better than I, in my relationship, we can not. Two different approaches on things.
Name calling, you know. We are ALL guilty! Cuz we care. When you don't care, you would not bother. Because you DO care, it happens. Knee jerk method. We are not perfect.

The method I attempt to approach with:

Remove absolutes. IE: "You always ... "

Leave the past in the past. When you forgive someone, you forgive. I am guilty of this because I remember everything. It is a curse.

Provide alternatives or solutions, instead of pointing out the issue. We all know the issue. IE: "We know the Gate needs fix (replaced), I can take care of that but we also need (fill blank) will you take care of that?" It gives impression of control. I am still working on this myself LOL

1) If there is no gate for a year, you just sit down, and say “Honey, this weekend we’re going to choose a gate together; one that we both like! We’ll do it after dinner/lunch”. You pick out 2 or 3 that you both like and you both decide on one of them. If she still hasn’t agreed/ decided on one by the end of the day then you make the decision unilaterally because she had a year to pick one that she likes, which is a reasonable amount of time, and she waived her right to decide by being excessively indecisive even though she had every opportunity to be part of the decision making process. Also, if she has not picked out her own gate, she is also forfeiting her right to ever complain about the gate that is selected because again, she had ample time to consider what gate she would like and she did not draw her own conclusions, so she must accept whatever gate is selected in the end and forever hold her peace. 😹

2) The name calling and aggressive behaviour is never a solution to any problem. If you (verbally) abuse your wife over unanswered emails, it communicates to her that you feel the client is more important than your marriage, that you feel like in some circumstances it is acceptable to degrade and denigrate her. In that moment you have not incentivised her to answer her emails. You have not impressed upon her the unprofessionalism of her conduct. All you have done is thrown a tantrum, and built up the emotional distance between your partner and yourself, and lost your own credibility in the working relationship. Change YOUR attitude. Lead by example. Instead of berating her, try to understand her - ALWAYS. What is it that she doesn’t like about responding to the emails? Does she think it is acceptable to keep customers waiting for a response? Does she value her role in her work? Does she think you should be answering all the emails? Does she perceive any problem in how she is handling the emails?

Have you tried asking her for HELP? (“Honey, these client emails are piling up, can you help me out with these? Maybe take the top half and I’ll take the bottom..?”) This is an empowering way of reframing the issue - it avoids blame; does not criticise her for not answering the emails, and puts you both on an equal footing by initiating that you will answer the emails too. It’s diplomatic while assertive, and solutions focused.

This is a WORK issue. It should be handled with professionalism and with the etiquette and politeness that you would readily afford any other colleague/staff members. She shouldn’t be getting treated as less of a human being just because she’s your WIFE. At the same time, she shouldn’t expect to have privileges in a work capacity (such as avoiding her email responsibilities) because she is your wife.

If you love your wife, always come from a place of LOVE. We are always more receptive to listening to people, and compromising with people, if we feel they love and support us, if they feel they have common goals and interests. But if they feel we are contemptuous of them, critical of them, if we communicate disdain and come across as seeking only to impose our views on them - then it will not even matter any more whether or not we are “right”; we have already closed the conversation in losing the audience. We may as well be talking to ourselves.

I hope this gives you some different perspectives. It is very brave and encouraging that you still seek to improve upon your marriage and work through the issues after many decades! Wishing you both all the best! May your love always be greater than your problems!

CatsInTheCradle

It's difficult to make an accurate assessment without having her input, but emotionally abusive behavior is NEVER okay. It is entirely possible to love someone and understand that it is time to let go. If you are no longer bringing out the best in one another, then it might be time to move on. Certainly try to work things out first but if there is no improvement, then you'll know. Don't wait until things get volatile or subconsciously work to create a volatile environment so you have a valid excuse. It's time to decide — you either work as a team or you don't.