My introductory

Hi,

So here goes.

I cheated on my partner of 18 years, I got stuck in a rut of feeling worthless, instead of voicing my concerns I went looking for validation. I messaged and slept with the other woman. My whole world has crumbled, it’s shattered and it’s all on me. I’ve lost so much, my home, my little family, my kids and the love of my life. I know it probably doesn’t seem like I love them but I do. I should have stepped up, I should have taken myself to a side and said it’s just temporary and you need to talk. Instead I’ve seeked validation and it’s not been worth it at all. This woman was my whole world, something I didn’t realise until I ripped the carpet from under my own feet. Is there any coming back? Can she love me again? I know I’d do absolutely anything to have her back in my life. I’ve started to change, I’ve taken myself out of the situation that got me there in the first place - online gaming forum, I’m selling the game console, I’m trying my hardest to show emotion, something I have never done because the era I grew up in was men can’t talk, we can’t show emotion because it makes us weak, turns out I’m even weaker than that because I strayed instead of facing the issue head on!

I don’t know if abandonment issues are to play in this, I’m trying to find all the answers. My mum died when I was 10, doctors found the cancer too late and her body couldn’t fight it anymore after that I moved in with a complete stranger, my dad. A man I’d see a few weeks a year, a man that only sent money home as he worked abroad. I know he probably thought he was doing right but he missed my first 10 years. My sports days, christmases, birthdays and all the other little things. My brother was born later on and things were good for the first few years until I hit my teens, maybe I was bad I can’t remember but I can’t shake the fact that he’d get physical, pinned to the floor with a clenched fist above me, thrown across the kitchen, hit across the face. I never did anything back I just stood there as he was my dad until one night I cracked and pinned him against the door. All the anger came out, the nights of hearing my step mum shout go on hit me like you always do while me and my brother are upstairs.

I met the love of my life in this time, we got together when I was 17 and although there’s been ups and downs she has brought me out of the dark places to see the light. I miss her dearly, I feel my left arm has been chopped off, she didn’t deserve any of this and yet I’ve dragged her through ***. The one woman that I could turn to for anything and I’ve totally messed everything up. I do want her back, I will do anything to get her back. I’ve started this journey to help me, to speak to people that are not physically in my life but that can help me grow by speaking out any issues, people I can talk to 1-1. I’m ready for change and it happens now!

Thanks