Seeking Advice/Perspective
Alright, so I hope I’m not gonna sound crazy typing this all out. I’m looking for some advice/perspective on an issue I’ve been facing.
But let me give a little backstory first.
I’d rather not give my name, so lets just call me Blueberry like my username. I’m 23 and a homosexual transman. I was previously with my ex-partner - we’ll call them E - for 2+ years and broke things off with them back in March of this year (2022). The reason I broke things off had to do with my sexuality which I only discovered shortly before breaking things off. Now an important thing to note is E said they were genderfluid and went by all pronouns (She/He/They for specifics). So when I came out to them as homosexual I figured that wouldn’t be an issue because its not like they were a cis girl. It…was an issue though. And we were forced to break things off because of that. I still really liked E, and cared for them deeply, but I couldn’t change what I was attracted to just to stay with them, you know? I kinda numbed myself to the hurt for awhile, so I thought I was fine about it, but recently the hurt’s been bubbling up to the surface because I left it un-processed.
Now here’s where it might get weird. I’ll be mentioning some fandom things, but I really think these 2 issues are related.
I’m a fan of a series - I’m not gonna say which one it is for privacy - but I’m a huge fan of it. Its been a comfort series/coping mechanism since around April or May. Recently I’ve been seeing alot of people “headcanon” the male characters in it as transgender women and will refer to them with she/her in casual conversation. For some reason, this bothers me. And when I say “bothers me” I mean it makes me feel a similar twinge of dread/anxiety like I felt when the whole thing happened with E. I have no issues with transwomen, I fully support the beautiful ladies I have met and will continue to meet, but this “headcanon” thing bothers me. I think it might connect back to the unprocessed trauma of the E thing, but I don’t know for sure and that’s why I’m writing something here. I want to work through this and get past this mental block so I can enjoy the series fully again and feel like myself again. I haven't felt "like myself" for a long time now.
Sorry if this sounds insane. I just don’t know what to do.
-Blueberry
Hi Blueberry, this all sounds like a very painful experience to go through. Even though you still cared so much for E, you could not stay together with them, and it hurts that you had to break up. Now each time something reminds you of E, you feel the anxiey again of what happened. To me that does not sound insane at all, it makes sense. Although I haven't been through your exact situation, I know what it's like to lose someone and then have to feel the pain and anxiety again each time something reminds you of them. I'm sorry that now, of all things, what is bringing up your memories of the situation is the series you used to enjoy so much and that has helped you cope. That must be hard. The anxiety you feel with the series is a sign that you still need to heal from what has happened, which is understandable. It will take time to heal, but you recognizing that you still need to process the trauma is a great first step. I wish you all the best in your healing and in your journey of discovering and accepting your gender and sexual orientation.
