Share Who Helps You Here

I have been looking for decades for a trusted professional or loved one to help me. My family couldn't be there for me and still can't unless it's on a very basic level and the professionals make it worse.

I've explored all the regular 'thought leaders', alive and dead...Louise Hay, Socrates, Eckhart Tolle, Rumi, so many different pathways from stoicism to nature to meditations and movement, drumming and singing with others, being in relationship with a loved one (Who I apparently didn't love enough as they're gone now.', imagining myself with a loved one, medication, counsellors, visualizations and so much more.

Lately I feel things are getting worse after a fire displaced me from an already tenuous and challenging housing situation in a new town with a chronically disturbing neighbor who has spun me into fear and doubt every day for the past year detaching me from any sense of peace and gratitude no matter how hard I try. I hate change like that. And after a week I'm back in my rental listening to my neighbor once again ignore my pleas I shared with them while we were displaced to let me live in my home in quiet enjoyment. Stupid gemini white male entitled adult child ***.

I'm listening to Tara Brach's talk right now on healing in a traumatized world and hope it will help but I fear and doubt it will help because I've been so thrown off for so long and even find these what are supposed to be the most helpful people and things to be downright infuriating.

For example I'm trying to listen but just hear how she so often whistles through her teeth when she talks or smacks her lips or other moist mouth smacking and noises that drive me nuts and wonder what great cosmic narcissist decided that these 'thought leaders' come with such intolerable caveats.

'Just do this, just do that' all these books and leaders and 'wise elders' all say, while teeth whistling and wetly smacking and telling jokes that funny to no one but them. It's a glorified version of telling people to 'just calm down' or 'what have you tried'. Their canned words do not help with the fear, doubt or broken-heartedness. Yet they get the home, the glory, the greatness while those forced to hear their idiotic ramblings get to flail about on their quicksand of life, climbing their mountain of pain under the lashes and blows of their trauma and inadequacies.

Anyway.

If you know of someone or something else that also works in case this smacking, whistling woman doesn't again let me know. At this point I probably need to always have a plan B so keep sharing as you find resources. And if there is someone out there who has found a way to communicate without making things worse in others please, please, please let me know. I know this is a shot in the dark but here it is.

Thanks for reading and sharing. I hope you're finding people, places and things who speak to your souls and get you out of the intensity of trauma. I wouldn't wish the suffering I feel on my worst enemy and I'm so sick and tired of identifying myself as 'bad' for dealing with overwhelming pain of trauma heaped on trauma heaped on trauma heaped on trauma.

Ultimately feeling so detached from the greater parts of me due to hanging on to resentment and blame-shaming myself is a torture unlike anything I could have imagine and while I'd rather heal on my own due to my independent streak some people have to get help to get to the wound under all the fight-fight-freeze responses so again any resources you've picked up that are helpful to let someone see the glimmer of hope in the fog of multiple grief and loss, trauma from epigenetic to generational to historical to cultural to familial, all of which I have to heal from and more then share it below.

🙏🏼 🙏🏼 🙏🏼