Some thoughts

Anyone else not excited for the new year? I am so pessimistic right now and honestly emotionally exhausted i am not as excited as the people around me about the new year. I just wanna get some sleep, cry, talk to my therapist and that's it. I am not ready for the new year. 2023 almost destroyed me it was the worst year i ever had but hold on it's not finished so maybe more nasty things are coming my way. Ugh it was such a bad year. I want it all to change for the better. I am everything but optimistic right now. I don't believe in good things awaiting me but i still wanna do my best. When i was telling this to someone they confused me for being an optimist saying to me that it's great to still hold on because i have hope. No i don't but i am here so i will give it my best shot because why not?

I don't know if that's common to think this way but that works for me so i'm good with it. Maybe working on my pessimism would be a good idea tho but i have much more urgent problems. And i tried to do so before only to be disappointed again so i am cautious about trying again. If there's one thing that i learn this year is that broken expectations hurt a lot! And then you think to yourself:"but how can i miss something that i never had?" But yeah i just created some ideas in my head that weren't relevant to reality and now i am disappointed. These year's disappointed kinda sucked out life from me. I feel broken and life just seems so dull. The people are thought were great were actually not great at all, and now i am all alone. But i shouldn't complain about it either because i know that i am actually not even doing any efforts to meet people in real life due to my trust issues and "what's the point if it's not gonna work out?" thinking. I think i should start by tackling my isolation because i am done of being scared of talking to people because they might hurt me. For my entire life i was putting so much importance to what others think so it's time to change this narrative. At least this year i got some awareness about why do i have all these mental health issues and it gives me peace. It kinda feels like i have done my job but no, i have to heal now.  I have to get my life together somehow. This is so hard. I was already trying to take some steps but it seems like all my efforts were in vain. I don't see a lot of results and i want to see bigger ones. But maybe i am also too harsh on myself and i think with enough time for self reflection i will see all the things i managed to accomplish this year. I just haven't figured out all my problems yet, didn't let go of some emotional baggage i wanted to, still hold on to some grudges... This is the weirdest thing about it all is that i am so self aware of everything i do and every emotion i feel and why  i feel this way but then i do nothing about it. Like i perfectly know what i am doing wrong and how can i fix it but i don't do it😭 If i had more support it would have been easier. I am struggling right now and really need a support network otherwise i'm afraid o won't make it. I can try and do this on my own but trauma damaged me just way too much and i am tired of doing it all on my own. So i will try to find some groups i can attend in my city to just talk to people and be more social. I also wanna be a better friend to myself all in all. I've been treating myself so so badly lately and i don't like it. I deserve better. So i will try to treat myself better.

I am completely ignoring the holidays and not celebrating anything because i have way too many things to care about and sort out. I will celebrate when i will feel like it. And anyways it's just a random date after all so i can pick a date and create my own celebration after all because why not. Last year i used to feel SO salty about it but this year i'm just trying to feel happy for people. They have a good time, good for them. I have my own life to care about because honestly right now it's like a sinking ship and it has been this way for such a long time.

I feel better expressing it all somewhere. I also met some amazing friends online(here and on other apps) but it's just not the same as real life friends. I miss the feeling of hanging out with someone so i really have to do something about it.

If you're in a celebrating mood and your holidays have been going nice, i'm happy for you and hope it will be even better next year, and if you're like me struggling and not in the mood to celebrate anything it's ok and you're not alone.

Sending positive vibes to you all💖