The one thing I wish everyone knew about me is ..........

@Tinywhisper11 that I am only a proud Pakistani not a terrorist

@Tinywhisper11
i love reading books, they are my escape
i am an over-thinker about little things, and panic over them but handle big issues gracefully
i used to be the biggest introvert but now my nature has become a little more friendly after i started doing job

@Tinywhisper11 

Please read this when you can.

- Name:XYZ

   Age: 16

“Inside the Mind That Never Rests: My 16-Year War with Learning”

#How I Ended Up in This Situation 

Nursery & 1st Grade

My coaching teacher taunted me constantly for my slow learning ability — my struggle with grasping concepts.

2nd Grade

A guy peed on my pants to look cool in front of his friends.

Because of some reason, I didn’t get my hair cut, so the teacher made me wear one sock and shoe all day. She tied my hair in a ponytail like a girl's and humiliated me in front of the entire class.

3rd Grade

A teacher slapped me four times for reporting a bully to the principal.

She just said, "It’s your problem."

4th Grade

My coaching teacher mocked me miserably because I failed the school unit tests.

5th Grade

A school teacher asked me, "When are you going to leave school?"

She said I was the worst student she had ever taught and told me, "Leave English medium before English medium leaves you."

6th Grade

My coaching teacher haunted me so badly that her words got stuck in my subconscious mind:

"You can’t learn anything."

7th & 8th Grade

Same haunting — from school teachers, my mom, and my sister. Day in, day out.

9th Grade

A teacher slapped me and mocked me in front of the class… just because my sister bunked school.

10th Grade

A teacher called me a low IQ student.

My big mom / Tai said: "You’ll never achieve anything in life!"

11th Grade

JEE, study groups, PhysicsWallah, coaching… everything made sure I wouldn’t survive.

#My Journey

Labeled as a weak student by teachers, classmates, cousins, family — everyone.

At first, fear of learning was tied to school.

Now, it’s tied to everything.

1st–5th Std – Below average. Mocked constantly. Slowly developed fear of learning.

5th–8th Std – Above average. But mocking continued. So I pushed myself to learn everything — just to prove myself.

Grades:

55% → 57% → 64% → 66% → 72% → 74% → 77% → 80%

9th to 10th standard: I became a topper. All through self-study. I removed everyone from my life. I finally enjoyed learning, and the fear almost disappeared. 

9th→10th

 84%→90%

Then came 11th. I chose the JEE path.

Tried hard in the first 6 months. Progress? Zero.

Made friends. Got close to 2 girls and 4 boys.

They ghosted me. That broke something inside.

Since then —

I now fear learning itself. It's deep rooted now 

#When It Hits Hard

Even with a song, the first thought is:

"What if I don’t understand the lyrics?"

My brain says: "We can’t understand this. We never will."

I sleep, but my brain doesn’t.

Dreams = overthinking on steroids.

Only 4 hours of sleep. Insomnia.

Me, 24/7:

Holding my chin

Pacing

Muttering

Shivering legs

Anxiety at DEFCON 1

April 8, 2024 → April 8, 2025

What Happened:

Gave my best (first 5-6 months)

Got no results

Burned out

Made a study group

Got emotionally attached

Everyone left

Body + Mind = Crashed

#Situation Right Now

Tried talking to 40+ people after the group left.

Every convo ends in 2–3 mins. I’m scared to get hurt again.

Tried explaining it to family, platforms —

People blamed me.

So I quit:

No social media

No sports

No hobbies

No movies, shows, or leagues

Just rap music to drown the thoughts…

But they’re still in the background.

# On Top of That: Anisometropia 

Left eye: -12 power

Right eye: -5 power

The difference is so much that my brain gets confused by the two different signals.

Understanding anything takes so much effort.

I have to read a line 6-7 times to remember even 10-15% of it.

I can’t solve even basic questions—coding, math, grammar, anything.

Even rechecking my answers 3-4 times, I still find 15+ mistakes.

Wrong numbers, wrong dates, wrong words—it’s like my brain rewrites the paper on its own 

It takes me all day to understand a simple question, and even then I remember only fragments.

Teachers and my sister just hold their heads like I’m a lost cause.

I try hard, but my brain processes info in strange ways, always looping into confusion.

#Failures So Far 

Try to learn coding, cybersecurity, cryptography, script writing, cinematography etc, but failed everytime 

Most people have 150+ hours of human interaction per month

I have 2–3 hours… total.

# Final Verdict 

I’m burnt out. And the worst is yet to come.

I didn’t write anything in theory exams either.

I could’ve passed them easily by studying worksheets, but I didn’t even read the questions.

I just slept in exams too.

I know I’m going to fail.

And now I’ll face 24/7 taunts from family, siblings, cousins, school, everyone.

My teen years were never normal.

Love, friendship, trust—none of these things ever existed for me.

Only thing I can do now:

Scratch my head and smile 

#Summary

What I’m experiencing is a combination of:

Neurodivergence (Trauma survival mode, learning disability, maybe even gifted burnout)

Severe C-PTSD (complex trauma from 16years of constant psychological stress)

Sensory processing struggle due to anisometropia

Chronic stress response — My brain is in a loop: 

Try → Fail → Mocked → Shame → Try harder → Burnout → Repeat

1. Fear of Learning = PTSD from Academic Abuse

My brain now associates “learning” with pain, rejection, isolation.

It’s like a soldier flinching at fireworks—not because they’re weak, but because they’ve been through war.

“What if I don’t understand this?”

That’s not stupidity talking.

That’s my brain trying to protect me from more pain. 

2. The Looping Thoughts = Cognitive Hyperarousal

My nervous system is on red alert 24/7

Even when i sleep, my brain doesn’t clock out—it’s scanning for danger, threats, memories, regrets.

That’s not ADHD or stupidity.

That’s trauma survival mode.

3. The Ghosting Broke my Trust Center

I opened up, finally let some people in…

Then they dipped.

That creates a deep emotional wound like abandonmenttrauma.

Now, my brain protects me by ending conversations fast before they hurt me.

4. The Anisometropia Effect 

My brain works 3X harder just to process a line of text.

Thoughts scatter. Visuals feel like static.

Feeling like my brain is “rejecting” what i trying to read

# Reason i don't come to school 

“I don’t come school not because of studies. It’s the environment. There are people and places here that my brain still connects with old trauma.

The guy who did that humiliating thing to me in 2nd grade is in our class and we sit together. When I see him, the whole moment plays in my head like a movie.

The teacher who mocked me in 9th , cuz my sister bunked is still in this school. Every time I see her, it triggers all those feelings again.

I didn’t attend my computer and PT practicals because the teachers there had humiliated me before… and I didn’t have the strength to face it again.

Even the principal’s cabin… reminds me of when I got slapped just for reporting a bully.

And the exam room where I slept? That was the same room where a teacher humiliated me in 6th grade. I froze.

Even the room next to the staff room haunts me. That used to be 8A, and my math teacher used to beat me there.

So yeah… school feels less like

a school and more like a memory maze I can’t escape.”

“I know it might sound silly to others… but my brain doesn’t let me forget. That's C-PTSD in action 

→I’m still surviving, still hoping that one day, things will be alright 

I irrational have a platonic affection for everyone I meet. I suck at expressing it though.