This year :]

Tw mentions of sexual harassment and sh

I think everyone has had a weird year. I just wanted to share about mine here. 

I think alot of the bad stuff happened at some point during the summer/ spring. This is when i started a relationship which was all in all a terrible decision. In the beginning it was awesome, but as the relationship continued i lost alot of my friends. I knew starting a relationship was a bad idea already because i had been in a very bad place mentally before it even started, so of course having someone depend on you while you yourself are unstable is not a good mix. The relationship ended on a bittersweet note while i was on vacation with my family, for a whole weekend i had to surpress every thing i was feeling about the break up down because i didnt want to cry in front of my family. My ex had told me then that he wasnt breaking up and that it was just a break, i knew he was wrong but i tried to believe him.

While all this was happening i was strugging with carrying another friend through their lows and highs, it was exhausting, there were times when i was verbally abused which led to me self harming because of the emotions i didnt know what to do with. I always tried to stay low on the radar and let other people be mean if they wanted to, i didnt fight back or express my feelings because i was already scared i was losing friends.

Anyway, after my ex broke up with me at last i got no support except for "I told you so"s from the person who i had supported in their lowest points. This obviously led to me being even more upset and angry.

After having a conversation with a friend about the break up of the relationship i was in i realized that i was somewhat sexually harassed. Again, i was in a very fragile state and i really would have done anything to surround myself with people who i thought loved me.

It took months for me to get over both of these people, in the end i recently realized that part of the way i would need to heal would be finally blocking them. I was unsure about this because i still loved these people even though they had caused me to get upset and self harm.

Then one day i got a text from the friend that i had been there at all times for, they were ignoring me for the longest time but randomly they decided to text me. I was happy to finally talk with them again, i honestly thought we never would again. Well a couple messages later and i was right back being guilt tripped for their emotional breakdowns/self harming. I started crying because i was thought they would want to talk to me and treat me kindly. If youve ever cried in public you know how embarssing it feels. I went to a consoler that day and they told me that that friend clearly wasnt a good friend to keep around. I still love this friend and i would never block them, i know they think im toxic but thats okay because i know i tried my best to be kind.

Finally it only took one bad day and one angry message from my ex for me just to blow up. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and i blocked him.

Now i feel at peace for the most part, im upset that i had to loose so many people but ive gained so many more. I just wanted to share this so that people can realize that it gets better, time heals all wounds. now im almost a month clean of self harm and while thats not very long its progress. Sorry for the huge message :sob: have a great holiday!