Tired

I’m so tired. Emotionally and physically. I’m sick of being a daughter to parents who never wanted me in the first place. I am 22 and have a lot of mental health struggles as a direct consequence of being physically and mentally abused by my mother through ages 8-17. The physical abuse and lack of support did not help with my depression or self harm. When I did become slightly better after moving out of the house for college, the struggles remained and I delved into substances as copium. Which now that I realize, was probably another form of self harm. I’ve moved back home since graduation and things have become worse. I have a loving boyfriend that I feel safe with, who genuinely loves me but my mother has tried to ruin that so many times. Why is it so hard to see me happy? I’ve felt joy with him, pure joy and the sanity and hope that I have is left because of him and my close friends. But my mother discourages me from meeting them. I’m also stupid and can never stand up to her. I have no sense of agency. I’m still the scared little girl afraid of when she’ll beat me to the point of bleeding and bruising again. Thinks got especially worse this week. She has confined me at home now. And I’m not sure how to stand my ground and leave the house whenever I want to. I’m so sick and depressed. I’m going to leave for grad soon, I got into a globally reputed and highly ranked university, but I want to spend the last of my days in my home city with my love and my close friends. They make me happy. But my mother is towering over me. Please advise.