Title: I don’t know what to put here.

Whooo boy this is a long one, buckle up for an essay or don’t read at all if you’ve got an important place to be at!🏃🏻‍♀️💨

I’ve been feeling very lonely and trapped, I recently saw my friends go out together and then another group out together too and it felt like I didn’t belong anywhere or to any group of people to have fun with in my last summer break as a high school student. My my mom and her husband have been fighting too, and today I got pulled into it for not putting my clothes in the hamper when going to shower, or how I left the sheer drain open and my mom (who was sick with I think the flu at the time) found a cockroach while cleaning the bathroom which prompted her to be scared and slip, after that she cleaned the bathroom top to bottom and screamed at me for an hour while complaining that I’m nothing, worthless, useless, stupid, disgusting, dumb, a mistake, a chore, a financial liability, and how she wished she left me for my father to take when he divorced her. And it’s always the same thing when she gets mad at me for mistakes, always the same hurtful words. Then she starts bringing up every little thing I said or mentioned one of them being when I said my dream was to study out of the country, my mom always bring that up by condescendingly saying “you want to leave the country? With those looks and grades and responsibility? You can’t do ***.” And it always hurts but for some reason it just became a numbing feeling now. All I do is agree and nod along because if I open my mouth I’ll get hit and slapped and kicked and screamed at and it’s just so *** tiring, it’s not even worth all of those words because two days would go by and she’ll be back to normal and hugging and kissing me. After that long one hour of screaming at me, she called my dad to ask him why he’s never around, how she raised me for 17 years while he only comes once a year for a month and leaves, how he bought house and never put it in my name to secure my future, how he keeps me (a liability) in her hands, then she turned to me and said “see? He’s silent. Because he knows you’re a nightmare to take care of!” And I just sat there taking it. After that I get guilt tripped- I do get guilt tripped through the whole screaming from begging to end but I’ll focus on this specific part, for starters I’m a football lover, and I play the sport and have big dreams to play it outside to represent my country on the big stage, however my mother loves to hold that over my head every time she wants to “punish” me. She’ll say she will stop letting me go to training so that I can focus on my “*** grades”, which I’ll admit aren’t the best, especially with the recent report card that came out that I refuse to show her because I will get *** on (not literally but you get the idea) then she’ll tell me how much she gave up and how she needs the break so she wants me to quit training for this month (mind you we agreed I’d play this month so that I can stop once school starts to focus on my last year in high school) which makes me hopeless even more after the constant self disappointment I feel in my skills and the fact that a bunch of girls from my team got called up for the national team but I didn’t (which I don’t blame them, I did play *** that entire season cuz I can’t keep a *** ball under my feet for a second) and I felt like this would be redemption so that I could work on myself throughout the year till next season, me and my mom had a short convo two days ago that absolutely killed me, I told her about me not going to the national team and innocently she simply asked “why not” so I replied “I was t that good” she comforted me and said “it’s ok you’ll get better once you keep training” again because we agreed I’d be training until she changed her mind in her screaming match today, then she asked me how the girls that were younger than me got in so I said “they were in the junior national team made for promising talents” which she then said “why weren’t you as a kid?” I took a deep breath before I combusted into tears and bitter anger and calmly replied “I asked you to let me enter the club team when I was 12 and you said no and left me to cry for 3 hours” to which she simply said “oh, sorry I didn’t understand much about sports back then” which hurts so FUCKIGN MUCH, because she didn’t even bother to support me and search up anything. And I remember that day SO clearly even now as a 17 year old. It hurts so much how much I was held back as a kid from reaching my potential because my mom didn’t want me playing a boy sport at first then using the excuse of “I don’t want you to hurt yourself” then eventually letting me play for a bit then letting me quit then letting me play before again making me quit. “At first I swallowed it all up because even as a 12-13-14-15 year old I knew in my head back then money was tough and my mom wasn’t able to take to and from practice, but it hurts so much that I’m the one who has to shut up and bottle all up, but I still feel so guilty whenever I think to bring it up and confront my mom because I just imagine how much she gave up for me and I feel so selfish for ever saying it thinking anything, but it’s also because I know my mom will bring up how I never hold my father accountable but I always hold her accountable, and sometimes I envy her and hate her so much because she had siblings and both of her parents and a HUGE friend group her entire life while I get NONE of that and then get blamed for being like this by someone who understands NOTHING about how it’s like to live as an only child among two divorced parents and a man my mother married when I was 12. And not to forget again my *** friends. *** them, they do this everytime and post about going out with pictures together as if there’s no one missing or anything, because maybe there isn’t, maybe I never was apart of the group and just someone who made them laugh and have fun with before being thrown away and forgotten at the first word of a “girls outing”, I think it’s mostly because of my looks, I don’t wear makeup my only interest is sports, and I understand nothing about beauty products, they all look beautiful, makeup done, hair down and done, and nails are painted while mine are bitten and chipped. And I look like a beat up fence with pimples everywhere in a new spot each week.

I hate everything.