Trying to move forward

These years have been rough, but I'm here. A lot has happened, and even so, I wanna keep living. I started to do stuff that I had left behind for almost 3 years.

I cried, cuz basically those hobbies were my saviors after I suffered s*** abuse when I was in high school and I was unable to leave my house for an entire year due to the fear I felt, how disgusted I felt with my own body.

Now I'm an adult trying to live. One of my colleagues at work told me some days ago "You don't have an excuse to not do what you like, even if it's only for 5 minutes per day" and he was right. I guess I was still living in my past, in my traumas.

It was hard, but I can finally say that I'm happy about what I see in front of the mirror: a beautiful man who is trying his best.

I still cry, of course I do... But I don't wanna leave this world thinking that I was only someone with a lot of trauma.

This year I met a teenager at the psychiatric, we were there for the same reason. She wanted to leave this world... And for a reason, I saw myself reflected on her. I didn't want to be the kind of adult who says "You should better be fine, this world is wonderful!" I just sat next to her and we talked as strangers but at the same time, as friends. I didn't lie to her, yeah, being an adult sucks, being a teenager sucks... Maybe everything sucks, but here we are. We didn't die.

These are the words that I used.

We have another chance not to prove something to others, but to prove something to ourselves. Not to find specific answers about why we're still alive, but just to enjoy that we're here in the present. Even if the world doesn't believe in you, you must do it yourself. As an adult, I don't have the answers and I wish I had, but I don't. I'm here for the same reason as you, so it would be pathetic to say something motivational, but being here, listening to others, it's enough for me to believe that is not a bad day at all. You made me remember my dream, to avoid others to believe that they're not worth of existing. To be the kind of teacher who would listen and not judge.

I promised since that day, that I wouldn't try to hurt myself again. Not only for that, but also because I didn't want to see my mom crying again.

I don't wanna be someone who live in a shell, remembering about everything I've done wrong. It's exhausting but at least I know that I'm not alone. I met fantastic people who taught me tons of lessons... And in grateful for that.

Thanks mom, sister, friends, strangers... Thanks "Me"

I lost my memories almost a month ago, I was unable to remember anything about myself. I was able to recognize people but not the moments I lived with them... And I thought I was the happiest man ever, because I knew that there was something that my mind forced me to forget, and I ended up forgetting everything about my life. It was "a new me" but then... I was empty. I understood that it was useless to just live like that, because even if I lived horrible things, they were part of my past, not part of me or who I was, but they helped me to create new ways to understand life itself and others around me. So I started my journey of trying to remember my life even if it hurt as ***. I understood what I wanted to forget, and I knew that I didn't heal those traumas. But it was fine, because I was able to recognize it and do something about it.