Unmotivated, Emotionally Lacking and Aimless in Life

For most of my life, I chased a single goal with everything I had, building a family. I did all the “right” things. School, career, house, marriage. Then the divorce happened. When it collapsed, it shocked my nervous system in a way I had never experienced before. I lost my sense of control, my future orientation, and a large part of my identity. I lost my wife, house, almost all my friends and the life structure I had built.

After that, I was depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts for a long time. That has improved and I don’t want to harm myself now, but since then life has felt hollow and emotionally flat.

I don’t feel like my life has much meaning, yet at the same time I feel like I’m losing something by not pushing forward. I’m stuck between exhaustion and the fear of stagnation. I don’t want to blindly dive back into anything without clarity, but I also don’t know what to move toward.

For the past three years, I’ve been traveling without a goal or career, which has helped in some ways but hasn’t resolved this deeper emptiness.

I feel emotionally numb and detached and I’ve noticed I’ve put up a lot of emotional safeguards, especially in relationships, because I’m afraid of another total collapse. I’ve been seeing someone for almost two years. She’s been patient and understanding, but she wants to move forward and I feel hesitant. I want to be more emotionally present, but something in me holds back.

I’m here because I don’t want to be alone with this anymore. All the introspection I’ve done on my own hasn’t brought clarity.