What's going on? I don't know

I'm not sure how to start so I'm just going to, sorry it's a mess in advance.

For the past few days, my mental health has been not as good as I would like. I've had some high points, feeling like I have tons of energy but not necesarily having motivation to do schoolwork, mostly around my friends at school. I had a low point or two where I was tired and didn't want to be around people, and saying hi to people in the morning didn't give me joy so I walked the halls. At one point I felt that maybe my friends didn't care for me as much as I thought, and I hate being a backup friend. Mostly though, I think they do care about me.

Also, higher noise sensetivity and not wanting to be touched much, except seeking knee touching from people I care about of course. I feel like I'm faking it though, because I technically could stop, right? But maybe not. I've been more irritable because of this, and for the first time in a while I frequently raise my voice at my (loud) siblings, although I'm more quick to being annoyed as well. I actually screamed at one of them today instead of speaking loudly.

And as much as ever my stomach isn't too well usually. Not ever actually throwing up, but sometimes I know I could, or I feel icky. Particularly when I feel stronger anxiety or for some reason when I read something that makes me really happy and it gets really good, I feel like I might but know that I won't throw up. It's annoying.

I also struggle with sleeping well, been that way for a while now. Although I think it's been a little better recently, so that's amazing. It's so hard to get up though some days, and my alarm is set an hour earlier just so I can wake up in that time.

I've never considered offing myself, and I hope I never do. But sometimes I wonder what keeps me going? Why do I do this? Human nature I suppose. But sooner or later that could run out so I should set goals.

Plenty of people have it a lot harder than me, and I don't want to draw attention away from them. I feel like I have a hard time accepting advice, too. I wish it would just be better without having to work for it, because I feel unmotivated to do lots of things.

Today, I was going to talk to my school therapist but she wasn't there today. It snowed a lot and school was delayed 2 hours, so classes were shorter and we had no homebase. Homebase was when I was going to talk to her, but anyway that won't happen until next week but I'll be fine.

After four days of crap mental health, halfway during the fourth I am pretty much fine! Cheery, even. Well no motivation for schoolwork still. But what the heck? In second period science we had a sub, and he did a bad job. I didn't like him, because we weren't allowed to talk to eachother and I needed to talk to my friend and classmate in that class, because for no apparent reason I was having a slight mental breakdown or something.

I woudn't say I get panic attacks, because I don't do the hyperventilating or loss of sight horrible darkness dizzy feeling thing, Closest thing is I think there might be an earthquake but just a very slight quiver and there's not, and I quickly remind myself there's not one. I hate all the noises I hear and cover my ears and tap the back of my head to chill, possibly swaying back and forth a little. Feeling like crap and I forgot what else but that's the gist of what happens sometimes.

Such a thing was almost happening in my science class and I needed my friend, but all I could do was doodle stars on my paper and touch knees with him which helped a little. I tried rolling a pencil accross the desk to him to invite him to draw stars with me, but he rolled it back thinking it was a game, and we played that game and the teacher told us to stop even though we weren't being disruptive at all. Teachers should be trained to bend their rules and taught to notice signs of mental issues.

I'm not diagnosed with anything, and I don't know what it is but something's wrong. Tried getting tested for adhd but since I'm a fairly good student, my teachers don't watch me enough to notice my little things I do. They filled out the vanderbilt forms and I read them after, and I don't think they did a good job. Maybe it's not adhd, but what else might it be? please tell me.

I was always a pretty mature child, but now as a teenager I feel like my brain goes so fast sometimes and sometimes too slow. It's annoying to say the least. As the oldest of four, there's a bit more on my plate, and my dad is a good guy but not terribly empathetic and is often grumpy. My mom I think has depression and is usually stressed, espesially with my autistic brother(11) and my brother with autism and adhd(9) and my clingy, crazy, and fairly annoying little sister(4) needing help a lot and overall it's a lot for her.

I tried to tell my family about the thing in class today and my dad was being kind of rude about it. Something along the lines of, "if you need a health break just walk out" but if I did that then he'd follow me and based on the substitute's vibes, it might have become a problem, a whole ordeal that I suppose would have worked out fine, but I don't want to deal with that. Hopefully my usual teacher is back on monday. I told my dad I couldn't keep haing this conversation.

Tw- overhearing SH

I'm also the "therapist friend" I think. I get told some stuff and I listen really well, even if I don't usually know what to say. I also overhear things from some girls in my choir class, stuff about them hurting themselves which I automatically reported to a school councilor which is my job as a student and as a hope squad member. I feel like I've been to that office a few too many times, concerned about other students. And I never know if I helped them, but I still see them at school. Beause of these my mental health isn't as good, but maybe it wouldnt change either way. Still got panicked when overhearing though, did the cover ears and shake thing.

I want people to know that even if they don't feel like it, they're changing the world. A random stranger told me I looked cool the other week and I still smile at them in the halls when I see them. I don't know this person but I hope they realize they made that day better, and I wonder what impacts I've made? Maybe go tell someone in your life what impact they've made on you. It's really good to feel appreciated.

Anyway, maybe it's just being a teenager, but maybe not. Maybe I'm crazy! We'll see I guess. but yeah I should get something done about that. Why would anyone read this? I don't know, but I feel sorry for everyone on here. Everyone's got it so hard and I feel really sad about it. Good luck out there, sending loves to everyone who wants it.