What’s wrong with me?

Hi everyone, I’m quite new here and already having a mental breakdown. I’m struggling with really bad social anxiety and loneliness. I have been able to make friends in the past, but I ghosted them all and I regret it.

For reference, I’m a 17 year old girl. I had ghosted others since I was 9 years old. It became a habit and I never realized how terrible it was and how it hurt others. I’d like to say I’ve stopped now, but most of the time it’s impulsive, and I do it without even thinking. I hate that I can’t just voice my feelings, I hate how I don’t want to socialize but yet I do. I want to so badly, but then I decide that someone isn’t right for me and I don’t want to waste either of our time. I want to communicate but it’s so hard. I watched and researched on how to communicate with others but I STILL CAN’T because I’m scared.

I feel like I’m manipulative. I definitely have been because of my own self-doubt, my anxiety, my naivety. I’ve tried therapy but I never knew what to say, I was too anxious. My last therapist told me I was abusive because my dad talked to her first about our terrible relationship and made me out to be the bad guy. I started crying horribly in front of her and the next week she wanted to work on my anger issues. What really got to me was how she mentioned I could be abusive to my future partners. This was a little while back, but I still think about it because of my breakup.

Please bear with me, as this will be a long story.

I was 15 years old when I met a guy online, and he was 16. We started our long distance relationship within a week since we hit it off so well. Unfortunately the moment we got into a relationship I knew in my mind it would not end well. I knew I would screw it up because I knew what I was already going to do. The relationship felt too fast for me to get any more comfortable with him. I had bad anxiety so I went with it, and we never called, only texted. Fortunately, he was super patient and sweet, and honestly was the most genuine person. Absolutely nothing was wrong with him. Everything was wrong with me. I still feel this holds true after 2 years, no matter how I thought about it, he was perfect.

So what did I predict would happen? The relationship would end over an argument and I would ghost him. And after 6 months of dating, I did just that, and the guilt has never left my mind. I made him think I was dead, since I was really depressed at the time and cutting. We had an argument over how he would lose feelings with me but gain them back while talking to me, reassuring me, but then I completely misunderstood some of the words he was saying and left. After that, for 10 months, he would send google docs to me. Some of it updating me on his life, how he starting drinking alcohol, how he went to therapy over me, and how he cried every night over me(We’re both 16 and 17 at this time) I ignored it all, and forced out any empathy within me because I knew that going back was gonna hurt worse. And of course, it did.

(Now everything WAS good in the relationship and the reason why it was so bad was because I had internal issues I never told him. Everything was fine and then it was not. I secretly had a really bad inferiority complex, even though we were just as good to each other. We genuinely did love each other, but unfortunately my problem was more severe my love, and my love for him only made it worse.)

I came back after those 10 months. My reason? I never thought i was good enough for him during our relationship. I finally thought I would be good enough for him after 10 months. I was so so very naive, mostly because I’ve always been a sheltered and neglected child, I reject everything unless I know what’ll happen.

He was already dating someone by then, and the last message was how he still thought of me, but that it was going to be his last. I guess I didn’t want him to go with another girl, I didn’t want to lose him. So I came back, selfishly. I then proceeded to homewreck his relationship for the next 4 months, and they broke up. I never knew I could be so horrible, honestly. I disrespected her, we never interacted with each other, but I’m still so sorry to her. I’m still so sorry to him. I never found out if he broke up with her before we started being more intimate again, but I hope so. The main problem was thinking that he still loved me, and maybe he did, but those feelings quickly faded. He was more distant when we starting talking again, then he soft ghosted me, while I became more clingy, and then he ghosted me. We both switched roles! I sent him tons of texts for 6 months and then stopped since it was so pathetic. I finally realized why he didn’t love me anymore because I started empathizing. I never knew I had so little empathy, expecting it to all be okay when I caused so much pain to him. So naive.

I never got any closure after he ghosted me, it has been a year now. I had panic attacks for the first time and was scared to go to bed because all I could think about was how horrible I was to him. At least until when I woke up the third morning, it was like I couldn’t consciously bring all the things that happened to mind? I don’t know if it was traumatic for my brain to do that. But I was so happy, and became emotionally numb for a month. I literally started connecting with nature and taking care of myself, it was as if it happened so long ago while it hadn’t, or as if it never even happened. Though it has sort of worn off now, I’m glad it did happen because it was the worst pain I ever felt. I think I’ve mostly moved on since then, but I still get occasional unwanted thoughts.

Since a year has passed, I’ve had around 15 dreams most of which consisted of him loving me then pushing me away and hating me. I always woke up with my heart racing with anxiety. I deserved it though. I still feel guilty to this day, for there was no closure. Why couldn’t I get closure? The situation at that time was very very convoluted. If I had tried to talk to him again, I was sure it would make everything worse. He would feel worse, so I just stopped. I stopped everything. I can’t go back now and give him a genuine apology. I can’t change the past. I only gave him sorrys with excuses, and he didn’t deserve that. For that, I will never forgive myself. I will only forgive myself when I’m able to have a healthy relationship, change for the better, and keep on changing for the better.

Right now, I feel like I don’t deserve anyone. I still feel like a terrible person even though I have grown and learned my lessons. There still so much more, and I have to keep working on myself so I don’t hurt anyone else ever again. But how? I still push people away, and I can’t make any friends. Maybe I have AVPD, I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Please help. Why am I like this? Am I a horrible person? Am I just young and stupid? Am I overthinking this? I’m really trying my best. I really am. I’m no longer as depressed because I’ve been working on myself for a while and I think I’m getting more confident some days. However, I’m scared to get close to anyone because of my breakup. Should I let go of my guilt? Or is it very much deserved, and was indeed a terrible person? It has always weighed on my mind if everything was my fault.

Thank you for your time. If a listener could empathize with me, I would really appreciate it.