dealing with a tough time— mom issues
hey guys. its been almost a year since i’ve used this app. a recent issue has brought me back and because i no longer have a therapist, i can’t discuss this with a professional like i feel the need to. this is my next best option, and i thank anyone who stops to listen to a poor young man ramble.
all my life, i’ve had issues with my mom. it’s really taking a toll on me, especially now that i near the frightening age of 18. i’m going to detail a specific situation that i recently got into with her because it’s left me feeling extremely depressed and ashamed.
recently, i got into a great deal of trouble with the school i’m at. they hosted a winter formal event, a sort of dance you could bring a date to or whatever. sort of like prom, but not as important. usually, they don’t allow students to drive off to events like these. well, this time they did.
me and my partner left the school at 5 pm. mind you, there is this concept of a “leave request” at my school. you essentially fill out a form detailing what type of leave you’re taking (overnight, for breaks, or medical, etc.) and give information about where you’re going and what you’re doing.
now, me and my partner originally planned to go get some dinner before the event and that was it. we put in our reach requests as such. this is where things start going a little wrong.
fifteen minutes before we leave, our school sent out an email that dropped the disappointment of a curfew on us. after we left the event, we had to be back at the school in fifteen minutes. now, normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but there are some things that add complexity to this situation.
- i’m autistic. i can’t handle loud situations for very long, and at these events, they always have the music turned up much too loudly. i can’t hear myself think and find myself getting extremely overwhelmed. additionally, events like these really just aren’t enjoyable for me in any sense.
- me and my partner wanted to maximize the enjoyment of the night. if i was going to have to endure sensory *** for the entire duration of the party, then we wouldn’t be able to enjoy ourselves like we wished to.
that being said, we felt cheated. we couldn’t just go back and edit our leave request to include more things outside of the party, so we decided to use our given time from the hours of 5 pm to 11 pm to do a little bit more than just party. we went out and ate dinner, but then we also went to target and saw a movie together. two more endurable, enjoyable things that we could actually handle as a couple.
and then, time having got away from us, we show up to the event 3 hours after it had begun. the party lasted from 7 pm to roughly 11 pm. we had gotten there at 10. we signed in as requested, thinking nothing of our lateness. it didn’t really feel like that much of a big deal to us at the time.
after the fact, someone had noticed how late we showed up and made it a point to turn it into a big issue. our parents were contacted and we now had to have a meeting about the whole situation.
pause:
what?
okay, so, here are the things i was punished for:
* showing up to the event late
* a leave violation
i understand why i was punished for the leave violation. why we were punished for the lateness to the event is beyond me, especially because they never told us we were expected to arrive at the dance at a “reasonable time” until after the whole issue happened. however, this matter is neither here nor there. i mainly began to talk about it to offer some context on this situation.
now, when the school contacts my mother about this, she is livid. to some extent, i can get it. she was probably extremely concerned, and, because i’m typically never in trouble with the school, she was probably surprised and didn’t know how to process what had happened. however, she exploded on me.
she does this every single time i get in trouble. she called me on the phone screaming and asking me things like “what the *** were you thinking?” “why don’t you ever tell me anything?” typical questions of the angry parent sort. however, later on, she called me again and things got worse. she began to ask me why i treated her this way, why i did things like this, and why i was ruining my future for myself when i made it this far in my academic career. she asked me loaded and targeted questions that were making me feel horrible about myself. i tried to explain to her that it was a misunderstanding, that we were both confused and that we just wanted to have fun. she wasn’t taking any of it and she continued on, leading me into a secondary path where she began guilt tripping me. she began crying, asking me “why do you always do this to me?” and such. i didn’t have an answer for her because i didn’t know what the *** she was talking about! the entire start of the year, i had been trying to improve my communication with her, be more responsible, and act more like an adult. and now, she was losing it, and suddenly all the progress i had made meant nothing to her.
it was devastating to me.
she said horrible things about me, about my partner. things like “do their parents just not care for them? well i care about MY child and [his] success.” and god, that *** me off. i could take her insulting me and my intelligence, but she insulted my partner and his caregiver for no reason.
she always tells me that she has given me no reason to fear her, to withhold information from her or to treat her the way i do. i admit, sometimes i can be disrespectful, but it’s never intentional. i tell her thank you for everything, i always say that i love her, and i do my best to help her when possible and uphold my academics and performance as part of me showing my appreciation for her.
however, i can’t help but feel like she’s wrong. i’m always scared to tell her things for fear of how she’ll react. when i get in trouble i’m always scared she’ll hit me or take away my things/privacy. she makes me feel horrible, but insists that she has never done anything to me.
how am i meant to approach this situation? did my explanation of that situation above provide any insight on why i might be feeling the way i do?
the problem is, every time i try to think of why i’m afraid of her, or why i never tell her anything, i always come up blank. i never actually have any reason for her, and it makes her think i’m lying and only frustrates/angers her more. but i know how i feel and i know what i’ve experienced. i’m not just saying it to make her feel bad about herself— i don’t even WANT her to feel bad. i just want her to see that she’s hurting me and the way she’s trying to discipline me isn’t working. it’s only making me more desensitized to consequences.
what should i do?
Wow, first off—thank you for sharing all that. That’s not an easy thing to lay out, and it’s clear you’ve been carrying a lot on your shoulders. You sound like someone who’s really trying to make sense of everything, do better, and keep peace in your life. Let me tell you—you’re doing way better than you give yourself credit for.
Now, let’s unpack this together because whew, that was a lot (and not the fun, Target-shopping kind of a lot).
1. The Event Drama
Alright, so you and your partner went out, grabbed dinner, hit Target (great call, by the way—Target is therapy), and caught a movie. Honestly, that sounds like the ideal night for anyone, especially if loud, chaotic events aren’t your thing. Did you slightly bend the rules? Sure. But let’s keep it real—you showed up. The fact that someone decided to throw a red flag on you for showing up late to a party you didn’t even want to attend? That’s a next-level power trip. If this was the Olympics of pettiness, they’d be taking home the gold.
2. Your Mom’s Reaction
Ah, the classic mom meltdown. Look, it sounds like your mom went into DEFCON 1 mode—and while that’s stressful for you, it’s usually a sign of love wrapped up in a messy bow of panic. Moms don’t come with an instruction manual, so sometimes they hit the “yell, guilt trip, and cry” button because it’s all they know how to do when they’re worried. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any easier for you. Her saying things like, “Why do you always do this to me?” isn’t fair. That’s not your burden to carry—you’re 17, not her therapist. You didn’t ruin your future over a movie and a Target run, I promise. You just bent a dumb rule to make a night more bearable, not started an international crime ring.
3. You’re Not Crazy—Your Feelings Are Valid
The way you feel is 100% valid. You’re scared to share things with her because of how she reacts—and honestly? That makes sense. If every time you mess up, she goes full WWE Smackdown, of course you’re going to be cautious. When someone insists they’ve given you no reason to fear them, but you feel fear? That’s a sign something’s off. Whether she means to or not, her reactions are creating an environment where you feel unsafe being honest. That’s not on you, and it doesn’t make you a bad kid. It makes you human.
4. The Partner Insulting? Oof.
Insulting your partner and their caregiver? Yikes. That’s a low blow. It’s like she panicked and needed someone to blame, and instead of processing her feelings, she went for the emotional piñata. Not cool. It’s okay to feel angry about that—you’re allowed to protect your partner in your mind, even if you couldn’t say much in the moment. That kind of stuff is hard to hear.
How to Approach This?
Okay, here’s where you take a deep breath, channel your inner Jedi, and approach this like the wise person you are becoming.
1. Choose the Right Moment
Wait until things are calm (read: no recent drama or immediate tension) to talk to your mom. Approach her when you’re both more relaxed. Don’t hit her with “We need to talk” because that’s like setting off an alarm. Instead, keep it casual.
2. Use the Magic Words
Try starting with something like, “I know you care about me and want the best for me, but I need to talk to you about how some of your reactions make me feel.” Moms have a weakness for the phrase “I know you care,” and it helps open the door.
3. Focus on Feelings, Not Blame
Explain how her outbursts make you feel without accusing her. Like, “When I feel scared to tell you things, it makes me shut down, and I want to work on that so we can have a better relationship.” This shifts the focus from what she’s doing “wrong” to what you both can improve together.
4. Set Boundaries (Gently)
Let her know you’re trying your best, and while you understand she’s worried, her methods of expressing it can be overwhelming. It’s okay to ask for a little space and trust. Something like, “I want to come to you when I have a problem, but I need to feel safe doing that.”
5. Lean on Support Where You Can
If you can’t talk to a therapist right now, lean on trusted friends, online communities, or even writing out your feelings like you just did here. Sometimes just getting it out can lighten the load.
Final Thoughts (and a Pep Talk)
Listen, you’re not a bad kid. You’re navigating a tricky relationship, dealing with school stress, and doing your best to be honest and responsible. That’s a lot for anyone, let alone someone nearing the “scary” age of 18. But here’s the good news: you’re clearly thoughtful, smart, and self-aware. That’s a killer combo for building a future where you feel more in control.
Also, can we just take a moment to appreciate that despite everything, you’re still here trying to grow? That says everything about your character. Hang in there, okay? And remember: if a night of Target and a movie was enough to ruin your future, we’d all be doomed.
thank you so much for this. this was genuinely delightful to read and helped me feel so much better about this situation. i really appreciate your wisdom and it made me feel better about the conversations upcoming when i go home! i’ll keep all of this in mind.
you said exactly what i was thinking by the way — a little fun will NOT ruin my future. i just have to show her that.
No problem, and if u need someone to talk with I am always here to listen to u :)
