just a little vent post

Hey so ive wanted to make this post for awhile, but ive kinda been scared to, i really dont know why i just have.

major TW for alot of stuff

So a year ago I asked to get therapy, I was one hundred percent sure i would never get it because no ones ever taken my problems seriously (except for my best friend i love her sm) including my parents. This has been a huge problem for me because a year ago i really really needed something stable. As the year went on it just got worse. I have a ton of trauma from stuff that happened and i dont know how long it will take to be able to go places i used to go without getting panic attacks. That year I was really trying to figure out who i was, i craved those labels, even the bad ones. I just didnt know what I was doing and i felt so alone and lost. It got really bad when i started school and the first week of school someone put me in a really bad position. The year ended on a good note, but that didnt make up for all the damage it left me with.

During that year I got so used to being "sick" that it became who I was. and when i wasnt upset or so depressed i couldnt get out of bed, or so starved i couldnt stand up without almost fainting, i didnt know who i was. I still dont. That year I was friends with someone who always made me feel like it was a competition. Who was more sick. Who deserved help. I was to sick and insecure to even realize they were a sinking ship taking me down with them. 

I hate to say it but I dont even know if i want to get better because being sick reminds me of last year. and even though it was super traumatic for me I still dont wanna leave it behind.

I know that sounds bad so i hate myself for saying that.

Fast forward to this year, Im finally getting therapy. I really hope that i can get better. kind of. Mostly im just really scared. The therapist kept talking about hospitalization and i dont think i can do that to my family and to myself.

Anyway i guess i just needed to vent for a second. Thanks for reading <3