life is a blur of chaotic mess

i used to think when i was little life was like some amazing thing. i used to dream of getting married doing all the things random teenagers do in movies. getting in a relationship. going to prom. hanging out with friends. being the popular group. i used to dream of *** that now is not fun.

i did all that. i was in the hierarchy of high school. i was an absolute ruler. people from any aspect of high school knew who i was and i would talk to everybody.

problem was.

it was because i was trying to avoid my own self destruction. and after the people in my old school started see that i was finally getting cracks in my mask they exploited it till i felt done. i tried to keep smiling. i tried to keep laughing. but the more you find out you were being naive the more you find out even your closest friends were talking *** about you to your face. and you’re just letting them. because. “i am perfect. and nothing hurts me”. well that’s a *** lie. i’m hurt. and im still hurting. and that was 2 years ago. i moved schools two years ago and im still done.

when i changed school i said i’m done. i was sad and didn’t talk to anyone i became the person i said i wouldn’t become as my five year old self. alone. and betrayed. now i have friends but i don’t feel like they are “true friends” that i had in my old school.

is that wrong to say? probably. because those friends at my old school treated me awful. but it felt more real than whatever this *** of friendship is. it’s like i’m happy but we only know of my happiness. and while i show them i am sad and mad sometimes. it feels like they don’t understand who I actually am. they just think i’m so extrovert who talks and has lots of people. so they come to me with every question. while i legit don’t know. i want to feel wanted and understood. not wanted for reasons to benefit others. is that so hard to ask?

ive done all the high school *** a movie high schooler goes through. i’ve done it all. so why. why am i still alone. why am i still a mess. why is my life going in a blur so fast.

i saw an old picture of me when i was five. it was a school day and for school we had to wear whatever we wanted to be when we grew up. i decided a doctor because i had karate uniform that was white and some random doctor toy tools. so it was easy to create. little did i know i’d stick with being a doctor until now and im finally graduating this year and taking steps into become a doctor. my five year old self is screaming of how proud she is.

i just wish i could tell little me getting here was happy and fun. but it wasn’t. it was pure *** that i wish i never went through. i wish that life wasn’t a blur.

i wish mine wasn’t a chaotic mess.