need to feel better
So i really want to vent because it helps me to get all my thoughts out and helps to feel better.
Lately i've been struggling a lot. So i don't really wanna go into the details of my life but just some main points. I am a student, have only online friends and have horrible relationship with my parents and the rest of my family. Right now i am struggling to stay optimistic and hopeful because my life is so not enjoyable. I've been thinking a lot about my past to try and understand what is going on, why am i feeling this way. And turns out my childhood wasn't as perfect as i thought. And my parents weren't neither. Only now i am realizing the toxicity of my household and man, no wonder i have depression now. It was tough. I wasn't abused, thanks for that already, my parents hit me only several times so it's not that bad. The thing that impacted me was their words. My dad was always dismissive and always telling me who cares about your interests, it doesn't matter, it's not important, so yeah that's why i have a poor self esteem now how strange.. And i REALLY thought that i was the problem and that my interests were wrong. I wish i could go back in time and tell little me that what my dad was saying was so wrong. He was also very pessimistic and i grew up hearing that that everything will go wrong in the future, the economy will fail, the world is gonna become worse and worse, there will be more and more inflation. He was really telling me as a kid!! Like was he in his right mind? I used to be so optimistic but he would kill every little optimistic thought i had by saying it's not true, you don't understand life, it's childish to think this way, you're so naive, you don't understand anything. He also always thought that children were not allowed to express their opinion and do EVERYTHING as their parents say without even questioning it. It was such a big argument because i used to openly voice my disagreement and he even took away that from me. I used to love expressing my opinion but now i am worried that people will tell me that i am dumb and that my opinion is not worth sharing. My mom was better than my dad but still, she said some hurtful things that amde me question my self worth and identity. My parents made me basically think that who i was was not a good person and my dad really tried to model me. I don't really blame my mother. She grew up in Russia in the 80s and well the economic situation and other things were not that good so she basically grew up in poverty and her parents were never there for her because they had to work hard to have some money and feed their children. I get it, it was rough for her. I managed to have a deep conversation with her and she admitted to me that her parents didn't even remember when her birthday was and she barely even saw them and was basically raised at school and by her brothers. So i get it it's not something that she is familiar with to properly show love but she was still trying her best.. I am more upset with my dad. His life was easier and he at least could have been open to have a talk with me, but no in his mind he is a perfect dad and he did nothing wrong. My mom at least is starting to think and it seems that she is starting to realize something, at least i hope so. My dad on the other hand never even apologized to me and that's what i want!! An apology from him! So i will be able to move on! I still wish things were different but i can be a parent to him and literally show him how to treat me right! I tried to talk to him if he want to go to therapy but he got so mad. Well that's his choice. I wish i had a supportive family. Today i saw a campaign about loneliness of elderly people on Christmas and how it is important to care about them and it made me tear up because i am feeling like them. I am too feeling lonely and have no one to spend christmas with. Well, i have myself. I won't do much for christmas tho only probably watch a movie and drink some tea with something sweet and that's it. I don't wanna be bitter about christma anymore but i don't really wanna celebrate it.
I always fantasize of someone coming and save me. Someone that will make me feel better. UNREALISTIC. Because i need to save myself. My whole life can pass by while i wait for this person. No,no,no. I am trying to learn how to love myself and am putting work in it but it's hard. I still can't believe that i am valuable. I want to believe tho. I want to be at peace with who i am. I want to love myself. I want to feel better. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, i guess i should be the light. I am trying to be my own cheerleader lately. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't but i am trying and that's already so great. I wish i saw some more results. It's discouraging when you don't see any results. I am trying now to practice some yoga every morning, practice gratitude, vent whenever i need to instead of bottling it all up and then when it's so hard to bear vent. I am trying to download some positive quotes on my phone to motivate me, go on walks, stay hydrated... The thing is all my efforts are killed by my bad sleep. I have nightmares every night, like really scary ones and i wake up feeling scared and anxious and keep carrying this energy into the day. My whole body hurts. I really wanna read the body keeps the score because it talks about how trauma impacts your body and i can very well see it now, back pain, headaches, random pains in the body, tension, feeling on edge, stomach ache, sometimes like of appetite...
I really wish i had someone to hug me right now in real life. I am glad tho for the efforts i do and i really want to see some results.
I tried sleeping meds by the way but they don't take away the nightmares and make me feel bad in the morning. So no point. I wanna give a try to white noise and maybe yoga in the evening because now i do it in the morning but maybe thta would be better to release thte tension in my body before sleeping. It feels like every cell of mine internalized my pain and trauma. My whole body hurts and feels heavy. I also hate some people's advices like just smile, just be positive. Ugh. Forcing myself to smile won't do anything. They are so dumb for not understanding it.
Anyways this vent is long now.
I'm happy i could express myself and get it out. I still have a lot to say so i will maybe post more on here to really really get it out. BUt it's actually hard to do because you relieve your problems in a way and it's exhausting.
Have a good day/night everyone! Love you💗
This will be a place where i will just post every time i need to vent instead of creating multiple posts in the forum. At least it will be in the same place and easier for me to reared it and reflect.
It makes me so sad to write this. I wish i didn't have to write this. I want to be heard and understood. I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved and taken care of. I want someone to come and save me. I want my parents to show their affection to me!!! I want to delete all the negative memories that i have. I don't want to relieve them. I want someone to hug me. To hold me. I want someone genuine by my side. I am feeling so hurt and this hurt is manifesting into deep sadness and depression. I don't know where to start on my healing journey. I want to start tho because i deserve better. I deserve love, happiness and fulfillment in life. I wish things were easier. i wish i was appreciated in my household. I WANT to be heard, i want to be acknowledged, i want them to love me. I want them to change and be different. But they can't change. They don't even want to. Every time i have high hopes that this time they will change and say sorry for everything but no. I am really in the process of grieving my childhood . It hurts, BUT now i am realizing that this is what affected my sense of identity, self worth, relationships with others, why i had for the longest of time( and still have) crippling social anxiety, no confidence in myself, scared of expressing my opinion, speaking up for myself, maintaining my boundaries. I know it's not my fault. The thing is what do i do now? Like the realization is done but now what?
@schrodingerscattt I see you have a hard time. It´s ok to grieve what should have been. You deserve all love, care and understanding you need. It must be so hard, especially when someone you would need to acknowledge they messed up is not even opened to listen. You are doing amazing progress by trying out different things to help yourself. Don´t get discouraged when you don´t see as good results as fast as you would want. Healing isn´t linear. One day you are up, the other down. It will be better slowly, even if the day by day statistics doesn´t seem like a change is happening, if you keep it up and look back after a longer time, you will see how far you actually came. Grief and healing take time, so don´t rush it. It is something you need to ride out whether you like it or not. In time when you are down, focus on moment to moment selfcare. Ask yourself what does your body need right now. And if you are in stage of your brain responding i don´t know. Don´t take it as an answer and ask yourself what will deffinitely not hurt me to do right now? You can even make a list of those things. Mine in general includes stuff like drink water. Eat. Take a shower. Stretch. Lay down. Wrap myself in a blanket, Etc. that you can do regardless if you actively feel the need to or no. One of the most golden pieces of mental health knowledge i ever recieved is regulation of nervous system happening from the body up, not from the head down. So it means if you have a mess in your head. Give some comfort to your body. Take some deep breaths in your belly. Have a shower. Eat. or anything that is not mental comfort but rather physical, and your body will send the signal up that we comfy. Sadly can´t advise you on nightmares, as it is not something i have a personal experience with, but what helps me fall asleep is placing my hands on my belly and taking deep breaths the way to puff my belly and make my hands lift. It is a very effective regulation tool, but sadly i don´t know whether it is effective against nightmares. But i believe you are doing great. Being pro active in trying to make your situation better is a very admirable thing, and the first step on the healing journey. I´m proud of you.
@sadcat13
Thank you so much for your long response i thought no one would read it tbh so thank you so so much! It's really tough for me but i'm gonna work on myself and i really hope it will work out. But i definitely can see some changes happen and that's already great. I'm at least more open about what's going on and i feel like it's a huge step to vent about it. Thank you so much for your advices❤ breathing doesn't usually help so i'll try other methods.
@schrodingerscattt sure. It's ok if something doesn't work for you, each of us is unique and has their own things that calm us. I'm happy you are making progress🌻
Hi love, the body keeps the score is available on youtube as an audio book. I'm sorry that this is impacting your sleep and dreams. Night mares can be a sign of PTSD. And you're incredibly strong and I admire you for creating routines for yourself to feel better. You don't have to do it all alone either though. At some point you may want to consult a therapist. I also hope that the world will show you the love of people who are genuinely emotionally healthy, and kind. Please make sure you have strong boundaries and never make excuses for bad behavior.
@intelligentWatermelon440
Thank you so much for your response❤ it really means a lot❤ yeah i've been in a bad environment and made a wrong conclusion that the whole world is like this but some good people are out here and i hope i will meet them.
@schrodingerscattt I can relate quite a bit to your story. Thank you for sharing and know that you're not the only one going through something similar. Good luck on your journey!
@purpleBunny7321
Thank you!!!❤❤❤ good luck to you too
@schrodingerscattt you deserve all the love and kindness in the world, and I wish I could make that happen for you ❤ you said your not sure how to move forward, well sweetie you already are. You show amazing strength and courage and hope, whilst struggling so much through it all. I'm very proud of you ❤ you should be too. It's hard to see any progress we make, but easy to see every single set back. It can be very discouraging but your doing so so well. I wish there was a way to stop the nightmares, but I have no suggestions how too, sorry. And there's a little quote that helps me.... "but darling, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you must realise YOU are the light" ... And I know it's not the same, but you will never be lonely cause you got us ❤ and my arms are always open to give you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤ I love you ❤
@Tinywhisper11
Thank youuu!! You're so sweet and kind. And honestly your positivity is contagious! I still struggle to keep the Christmas spirit but it's definitely better than last year. This morning was such a hard one for me and i feel bad. I just want to go away somewhere really really far and forget all these places and people where i've been hurt. But in order to do that i need to study hard, it's my only way. I really wanna make it and i am so happy to have such an amazing friend as you by my side. Every time i open cups i am excited to chat a bit with you. You're a wonderful person really. Thank you for all your kind words. Hug you backkkk
@schrodingerscattt awww I'm always here for you ❤ I love you, and thats what friends do. It's nice to have a place where we can be ourselves and help each other ❤ you've been through alot, and still going through alot. Oneday things will get better and your pain will be out weighed by the good times ❤ your very brainy, and I know your going to do well in your studies. Then the world is yours ❤
@Tinywhisper11
Awww thanks!! I think i'm gonna go to starbucks now because i need my emotional support drink😭
Btw it feels so nice to know that someone genuinely cares. I feel important for the fisrt time in my life. So thank you so much bestieee💗
@schrodingerscattt starbucks cool. I've never been to starbucks, so have an emotional support drink for me too 😁 I hear they have festive cups, get one with a festive cup ❤❤ it will be good for you to get some fresh air for a bit so have fun. And do your coat up!!!!
So a bit of an update. This morning was such a bad one. I woke up being disgusted that i am still here. was feeling very very low. I also tired my best not to, but still self harmed a lot and now my head hurts. I don't really wanna go into details but i don't self harm as most people think and i usually hurt my head. And now i am feeling so dizzy and just unwell. I constantly try to battle my negative thoughts that tell me i'm a failure, i will never achieve anything. What makes me sad is that i used to be such a happy and full of life person or kid and now i've been stripped away from this. It's so so sad to reflect on this. I wish it didn't happen. I wish i was happy. I just wanna go back in time and hug my past self. Everything is just so hard now. My therapist sessions are hardly ever helping me. I am feeling miserable most of the time and when i'm not studying i try to busy my mind as much as i can because the realization of my current situation is just way too much. I really hope that i will be able to make it because i don't think i deserve such a bad treatment in my childhood. I deserved better. And even now my parents still don't see their faults. I have to stop thinking about them altogether but it's so hard. I'm only now realizing that my childhood wasn't normal and it feels like my whole world crushed. Everything i thought to be true turned out not true and the people i thought i could trust disappointed me and hurt me in ways i thought they would never do. It makes me so sad and demotivated to go on with my life. MY psychologist keeps telling me i can't change them and i have to accept them the way they are but i can't for now. I still am in a kind of denial and need time to digest all of this. It's going to be the new year soon and everyone is so excited but not me. I just wanna make it alive and not self harm too much, that's all i'm asking for. I really really don't know where to find the strength to keep going. I am TRYING to be compassionate to myself to take breaks. I'm trying to practice self love but my self hate is so deep ingrained that i just don't believe all these nice things people on cups tell me. Its' so so sweet of them all but i don't believe it. It sucks that the adults that should have taken care of me made me feel miserable. I seriously have been crying so much lately. I wish i had a family i can go to, i wish i could count on their support but no. I experienced some heart breaks with friends but family heartbreak is worse! Because when it's friends it's not your family and there's a lot of people out here so i think to myself i will soon find some new friends but you have only one family and this is so heartbreaking to me. I don't know if i will be able to celebrate christmas. I want to but the deep sadness inside of me will ruin it i guess. It's really, really tough for me and it hurts but thanks to some amazing people on cups i feel a bit better and i genuinely hope for the best now. The main thing now for me is to let go of my parents because it is just ruining my life rn keeping thinking about them or how my life could have been. Because my life is the way it is and yes crying sometimes helps but crying that much is just hurting me. And well they hurt me but i shouldn't give them the power to keep hurting me. I have to learn how to stand up for myself and care about myself.
@schrodingerscattt I'm sorry you struggled so badly this morning😥 is your head gonna be ok? I don't think your psychiatrist should of told you to just accept them the way they are, that's like when people say to me, you have to forgive to move forward, it's not something that can just be done easily. I'm not sure if you know about my past, but I was hurt too, and I don't have any family. All the other residents here go home with their families for xmas and new years, so I'll pretty much be alone too ❤ except which ever carer will be in their shift that day. So now how lonely things can get, and how sad it is to feel that way. You know Xmas is just another day, don't overthink it, just do whatever you feel like on the day ok? And I know when people say nice things that it's hard to believe, but when I speak, I speak from my heart ❤ I care about you very much ❤❤ and it will get better,soon there will be more good than bad in your life ❤ your doing so well, just keep being you ❤❤ I believe in you, I believe that good things are gonna happen, and your life will be like a magical fairytale. Remember all fairytales start off bad but end great ❤ hugs you ❤
@Tinywhisper11
Thank you! It really means a lot!!! I'm not really gonna celebrate Christmas this year because i don't feel like it but i will mentally be with you. I don't know if that sentence even makes sense😂I'm so tired. But yeah, know that you have me and i will do my best to support you💗
@schrodingerscattt hey that's ok ❤❤ you don't have to celebrate xmas. There will be plenty more years to celebrate it you want too ❤❤ and really every day is a celebration cause theres people like you in this world.❤❤ Gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤
@schrodingerscattt I'm so sorry to hear that. Just remember that in life certain things are not in our control....family is one of them. You're a strong person ....look at how far you have come. Cheers to that ! Lots of Love and hugs for yaa
So, one more update. My latest thread was deleted. It makes me upset because even on cups i can't express myself freely. I'm glad i found some great people on Pinterest tho and i am mostly spending my time there. I also ordered a book on Amazon about emotionally immature parents so i hope it will help me to understand my parents more and help me to feel about better about my childhood overall. I woke up today feeling sad and demotivated, like most mornings and right now i just feel like crying. It feels like my soul is bleeding and i want someone to hug me😭hold me and tell me that everything will be fine. I just wanna go back in bed and cry😭
I am also thinking about the upcoming new year and it makes me a bit discouraged. I just wanna go in the new year with a "clean mind" and technically be a completely different me but i know it's unrealistic. It's already the 19th of December so i will not be able to change everything about myself and heal my traumas and solve all my problems. But i can try. I'll keep you all updated. I sincerely hope it will all work out. Wish me luck😭🍀
@schrodingerscattt *hugs you. It will be ok. I'm sorry your thread got deleted. It must have been a terrible feeling. We are here for you. And I hope the book will help you. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. It is great to want to be the best version of you you can be. But the thing is, pressuring yourself and blaming yourself is going to demotivate you even more. Take a deep breath. Then reframe this as your long term goal rather then an asap one and then take small consistent steps towards it in your day to day choices. It's ok to be demotivated and have a bad day. Acknowledge your feelings. And let them pass. What helps me is journaling but structuring it the way like:
1. What is bothering me
2. Where in my body do I feel this emotion (can be anything from forehead tension to my pinkie twitching)
3. Resolving each individual point from point 1. Can be a solution search to my problems, or just validation of my own feelings, then a choice to do a small act of self care that would help me (or won't hurt me at least if I'm feeling too bad to define what I need)
We believe in you. You got this
@sadcat13
Thank you!!! You're so nice! Your reply made me feel better and validated😁 But i'm scared my account will get deleted. I know a friend that was here on cups and his account got deleted. If they will do this to me i will be so upset. I don't know how to calm down my anxiety about it. If i'm gonna lose 7 cups it will be so tough
@schrodingerscattt I'm glad you feel better. And about account, well. I say if they delete it, then new account time. You can always make a newone. Then name yourself schrodingerscattt2 that is on another email and just proceed like nothing happened. Or make a new account with a different name and make a post telling us it's you, but account got deleted and this is your new one. I'm sure we will pick you up soon where we left it before it happened 😊
@sadcat13
thanks! I kinda felt betrayed tbh when they did it but whatever. I just wish people could be able to express themselves more freely on here☹️ but i found a good alternative in case of. And probably i will soon leave cups but well i still need time to think about it.
But thank you so much for your support💗 i really appreciate it
@schrodingerscattt sure, do what is best for you 🌻
@schrodingerscattt healing from trauma and all this is gonna take time, so take that at your own pace ❤but that doesn't mean you can't have a great new year, the world is full of beauty and fun things. During healing, maybe also think about things you can do to have fun next year maybe write a 2024 bucket list, that might be fun😁❤ also gives my bestie a giaaaannnttt festive tiny hug ❤ it will all be ok. You'll see, everything will work out ok ❤ puts duct tape on your bleeding soul, and cry when ever you feel like crying ❤❤
I'm here for you ❤always ❤❤ huggs you in my heart forever and ever ❤ I love you
I am leaving cups because i am so tired of all this bs on this app. The majority of people here are amazing but some really suck. I can't tolerate this negativity anymore. And i will not stay on a app that doesn't let me express myself freely. It is supposed to be a forum where i can vent but turns out i can't even do that. Really disappointing.
@schrodingerscattt 😞 I'm gonna really miss you😞 hugs you tightly ❤ you do whatever is right for you ❤
@schrodingerscattt
Hi, I just joined 7cups and read your recent threads. I hope you are better now.
A month ago, I was also struggling with anxiety and overthinking. I had a few things from childhood which started to bother a lot especially this year triggered by another incident.
I had a kind of anxiety attacks frequently for a few weeks. It used to get dark in front of eyes, not able to breath, my head used to hurt thinking a lot. I struggled to sleep. I felt like my brain doesn't stop thinking even at nights. I was not feeling like getting out of bed and going to work, so lazy, body hurting like I was sick.
But now I feel much better. Life is still the same but things doesn't bother that much. So, I wanted to share some of the things that helped me. May these help you too
1. Always notice your thoughts, see if you giving a lot of thought to the same thing. Tell your brain to stop. When you feel anxious, sit in some open area and try to concentrate on as many sounds as you can around you. Like dogs barking, traffic noise, people talking etc. Gradually, you will see your thoughts are gone and you will feel calm. (It's basically diverting your brain)
You need to keep telling your brain to stop. When it keeps going in the same loop.
2. First in the morning, just sit or lay down and look around in your room. Just keep looking at every corner but try not to have any single thought about anything. This exercise is really tough because brain quickly create a story about anything you see but you need to keep trying... This will improve control over excessive thoughts. It's best at the night when it's all silent and you can listen to every little sound.
3. For the permanent resolution, it's important that we remember, everybody has unforgettable past and sometimes we keep repeating that story to ourselves and feel upset. Somebody suggest me to write all my pain once on paper and read it until you cry, just get it all out in one time. You will become comfortable with your past. We need to realize that it's past and can't be changed. We need to forgive and move on. We can't be waiting for people from the past and apologize to us or we take revenge. We need to give an end to those painful stories. If nothing possible then forgive and that's the only way to move on. It becomes heavier with time and you keep carrying this burden for the rest of your life.
I am sorry, If anything hurts. All the best. Merry Christmas!
@inventivePerson5078
Thank you so much for this insightful reply! I do tend to ruminate a lot which is making things worse so thanks for these exercises. I will try them as soon as i feel better.
@schrodingerscattt
Thanks for understanding,
One more thing. I took full body test in which I found I have severe vitamin d3 deficiency which was causing all body pain and tiredness. Now, I am taking medicine and feeling better. So, see if your body also need some nutritions as well. Health helps us fight mentally.
@inventivePerson5078
So true! I've seen my gp tho and i have no deficiency, it's all just my mental health😭 He also gave me some sleeping meds because i can't sleep at all lately.
