need to vent
Hi. I feel so so bad. I am sick and tired of the continuous bad treatment i got from the people in my family, that i don't even consider family anymore. They hurt me so much and i now i have to deal with a whole bunch of issues all because of them. If i was born in a loving family things would have been so different. I would have had a normal self esteem, a normal social life, i wouldn't be sad all day and having dark thoughts. My family makes me sick. Usually i am trying to forget it all but now it will be very soon Christmas, the "family holiday" and it makes me so bitter. I am transforming into a grinch, I am starting to be to jealous of people who have good and loving families. It hurts me so much to know that i will never have this! It feels like i am in a sort of grieving of the life that i never had but always wanted. I feel so miserable when i go outside on the streets and see happy people joking around and stuff, i can't even be happy! All i feel is this stupid pain that is never going away. At times it feels like my life is not even real. Like it is all a big joke and someone will finally tell me: "surprise!" But no! It's very much real and the pain i feel is very much real. I hate my family for never acknowledging my pain. For not even trying to talk to me about how i feel of what is hurting them. I just hope i will be a good and loving mother one day. I want to give to my future kids the life that i never had. And all the love and affection that i never had. I don't know if that is an egoistic way of thinking but i just want to give to someone all the love and affection i lacked just to feel better.
So as this holiday is approaching i am becoming more and more sad and angry. I wanna give a go to therapy but can't afford it so now i am doing some online research about how to heal my inner child. This is also one thing that makes me so mad, to work extremely hard just to try and heal the traumas i got because of other people. If it wasn't for them i would have had a happy childhood and i would have been a happy kid. And not this miserable lonely kid that had imaginary friends because no one wanted to talk to this kid. I am just so infuriated to the treatment i received and i don't know how to let go of all the pain and hurts of the past. I just constantly wanna cry about it and i am completely unable to move on. I know a lot of people had a much worse childhood but i am still miserable and still sad so my pain is valid no matter what these stupid people have told me.
I am still feeling so miserable and i haven't been able to do anything in my day apart from crying and throwing up. I hate life. And i hate people. I never even asked to be born in the first place, especially in such a stupid family.
That was a long rant but i really needed to express myself. This mental and emotional pain is killing me from the inside!!!
@schrodingerscattt
Family: often where most of our core traumas originate. No matter what the brain says, those hurt feelings often speak louder than thoughts. Rational thoughts are often flooded out by distorted thoughts. It's tough, isn't it? Having to unlearn everything our experiences have fooled us into believing as true? The game of fact vs fiction can be very exhausting at times, can't it be?
@adaptableZebra6724
Yes! It's so hard. I found some good resources on You tube tho and I hope it will help on my journey to heal. I am glad that this kind of knowledge is easily accessible now! I can't even imagine myself surviving without these self help videos on YouTube. And I also found some good resources on this app! Glad I decided to join the community! It helps to know that you are not alone in your struggles!
@schrodingerscattt
Is there anything I can say or do to be of help?
@adaptableZebra6724
That's so kind of you!! I don't really know.. The thing I want the most right now is a friend. A friend who would listen. Loneliness can be so damaging right? But thank you so much! You made me feel heard and understood ❤️❤️
@schrodingerscattt
As long as it's something I'm capable of doing. And as long as it's something within reason. If it hasn't been your day, week, month, or even your year, I'll be there for you :P
Loneliness can be anything I suppose. For me, it can either really suck, or it can be the best thing ever. Seems like maybe loneliness is something you battle with, correct me if I'm wrong?
@adaptableZebra6724
Yes! I hate loneliness. I'm so tired of being misunderstood and unheard. I'm seriously starting to doubt the point of living if you have no one..
Hey @schrodingerscattt
I’m truly sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. It sounds incredibly painful and overwhelming, especially with the holidays approaching. It's completely valid to feel hurt and angry about the way you've been treated by your family. It's not fair that you've had to endure this, and it's understandable that you would feel a deep sense of grief for the love and care you deserved but didn't receive.
Remember, it's not selfish to want to give your future children the love and affection you didn't have; it's a beautiful and generous aspiration. It's also admirable that you're looking into healing your inner child despite the challenges and financial constraints. That takes a lot of courage and strength.
Your feelings are valid, no matter what others might say. It's okay to grieve for the life you wished you had. It's okay to feel sad and to cry. These emotions are part of healing and moving forward.
And while therapy may be out of reach right now, perhaps there are some free or low-cost mental health resources available online or in your community that could offer some support. Sometimes, local organizations or support groups can provide a space to share your experiences and feelings with others who might understand what you're going through.
Remember, your life has value, and you have the right to seek out happiness and peace. You're not alone in this journey, even if it feels that way right now. Your experiences and feelings are important. Take each day at a time, and be gentle with yourself. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself.
@Jem7Cups
Thank you! The problem is I also feel not entitled to feel this way towards my family. I wanted to ask about them but they just told me I want to create drama. It's so painful. Honestly I just wanna cut all contact with them and only talk to them occasionally. It hurts to much otherwise. I need time to heal. But loneliness and having no friends is not helping... I'm glad I have this app tho💙 I don't know what would I do without it
@schrodingerscattt believe me what i tell you now. Only this state you are in now, is truly genuine. people are fake, they are pretending to be something they are not. I wonder how come these low lives dont throw up at the sight of their face in the mirror.
@schrodingerscattt Hey I totally can relate to that feeling of being in a bad place because of the family I grew up in. It’s effects are real. But it’s not something that you can’t overcome. Not all of that history is bad either, it can actually become your strength. At some point (at least for the most part) you’ll stop grieving what could have been and start living from this day forward.
@FlatenedByLife
I really just wanna let go but can't! Everything I think about how my childhood could have been different 😭 it messed me up badly! Now I just feel like a broken human. I used to be a happy kid with dreams and visions for the future but now I am just depressed and broken.
@schrodingerscattt You can let go, you just don’t know how right now. For me it isn’t like I don’t forget or regret the childhood I never had, but you don’t want to stay on that treadmill because it leads nowhere. Past is past. That happy wonderful kid is still in there. I can’t tell you how to travel your journey or how long it will take. But one of the things that helped me a little was this audio book. Maybe it’s something you might find helpful as well.
@FlatenedByLife
Thank you so much!!! I really need all the books and self help I can find! Thanks! Imma buy it today and give it a go.
@FlatenedByLife
I know how important it is to heal the inner child and I already started to try activities that will bring myself closer to little me. It's hard but I hope I will heal one day.
@schrodingerscattt
For some reason, I can't respond to the current thread we are on. So with that being said:
How do people misunderstand you?
@adaptableZebra6724
They just don't get the way i think but that's ok. As long as i understand myself it's fine❤
@schrodingerscattt
Can you give me an example of how others don't get it?