perfect blue

I just want to talk without thinking, "am I being dumb right now?" when I'm talking right now, I hate to constantly think, "are they getting bored of me, am I funny enough, did I talk about my feelings too much?" but it's always happening in a corner of my mind. always.

I cry so much, even because of the little things people say. I can't react or speak at that moment. i'm not as scary as you think I am, I don't like being an introvert. I don't know just what I should say. every day is a battle for me. every day I feel like if I am not my best self no one will like or care of me, what if they will walk away from me.. but let's be honest, although I am more stressed about grades than others, I fail everytime, i cant be succesful as i want. the teachers don't even know my name. when I talk loudly, I'm afraid that someone will judge me or make fun of me. then I start to feel nauseous and like I'm about to throw up. especially when I'm talking to someone from school. I have friends, but they ignore me because my face is too dull, and sometimes I forget to react when they talk. if I were them, I'd stay away from me, too. they don't know that I'm constantly trying to change myself, the only thing they know is that I look sad. or my posture is bad. I starve myself every time before going on a date with someone and I exercise for hours so that my face gets thinner. and when the day is over and i start to sit alone in my room, I eat more than you can imagine. i can't fall in love with a guy anymore. I just want to be and feel enough. i want to be away from my home, away from my room, away from people at school. at the same time, I want to be perfect, incredibly intelligent and get excellent grades. but I don't even know what profession I want yet. everyone has a path forward, there are people who love them, but why do I always feel like it's too late for me idk... if a guy says ''i like you'' i walk away from him because I'm afraid of the possibility that he's lying.

every piece about myself feels makeshift and cheap. every day I wake up to the mess of my life and those around me (family, 1-2 friend) are getting further away from me day by day. whoever is reading this, maybe you think I'm just stupid and lazy. i didn't say I was special anyway, you can think what you want. but I'm tired of trying to do something. trying to be special, to be loved, to make friends.. I don't want to do anything. but I want to be everything at once.