self help is hard

hey,

i don’t really know how to start this but i know i just need to get my issues out there and feel seen.

i’m a teenager close to adulthood that is really struggling in all facets of life at the moment, and the problem is that i really just have no idea what is going on with me at all. i really need guidance, but i don’t know what kind or who i need to talk to. this is my shot in the dark at trying to get started, after a friend recommended me here during a serious discussion about my behavior. so i guess i’ll just dump some things down.

i want to preface what i’m about to say by noting that i don’t really trust myself or my feelings. i grew up in an environment that made me feel like my emotions were insignificant or incorrect, and i believe that led to me now not being able to articulate or explain myself correctly. it’s a horrible thing and i constantly feel like i’m manipulating others with the way i talk about my issues, concerns, and emotions. i don’t often feel understood by even my closest friends and i can’t identify why. i’ve tried to walk the route of self help before, but it’s hard.

i’m going to generally dump what i think i feel and my thoughts in this post so that maybe i can experience at least some kind of closure. i desperately need it

i was born the eldest child in my family, a poor, blue collar supported household at the time. my grandparents came from nothing. before i could really even remember him, my father passed away. i lived with my mom in lots of different places. at the time, she was still back and forth between her career and in medical school, i believe she received her RN sometime in 2012 to 2014. i grew up a majority of my childhood alone.

of course, i had my grandparents, i had my family, i had people, but no one that was my age. i went to a run down elementary school until 3rd grade, and i was brought up like most children in public schooling. however, even as a child, i never felt like i belonged anywhere. when trying to make friends, i failed miserably a majority of the time. many people didn’t like me. they thought i was rude, weird, and i got bullied a lot for being an overweight kid. the friends i did have, i only ever saw for the day. the rest of that time, i spent alone.

i would say that as a kid, i certainly didn’t have normal thoughts. i was very cognizant of the issues and struggles of the people around me and grew up with intense anxiety. it was so bad that i would cry and hit myself when trying to go to sleep at night because i didn’t understand why i was like the way i was. what was wrong with me. why nobody liked me. i was like this from the age of 5 all the way until now. i’m still crying and beating myself up over the same problems because they were never resolved.

i remember as a child my mom asking me “what is wrong with you? why are you like this?” and i had no answer. even now, when someone asks me that question, i can’t respond. i don’t have the words. i don’t understand myself.

that seems weird, right? i spent a lot of my childhood very isolated, and i thought personally that i should have a good grip on how i feel and be able to read my bodily cues. boy was i wrong.

today my friends at my residential school sat me down and talked to me about my lack of self-awareness and disrespectfulness toward them regarding a certain incident yesterday and a reoccurring behavior that has gone on for some time now. it was horrifying. like being out of body, because as they were talking to me, it truly dawned on me how right they were and it overwhelmed me. i genuinely lack so much cognizance and understanding of not only those around me, but of myself, and i’m trying to learn how to fix that. the only problem is, i had NO idea where to start. one of my very lovely friends recommended this app, and since i literally have no other ideas or resources, i rushed to try it. i have nothing else to lose.

the unfortunate thing is, BECAUSE of my lack of self awareness, i ended up having a conversation that i likely should have given more time to when i was in a better state of mind. i was just out of a nap at that point and time, but i was so eager to get to the conversation and work things out and show that i’m a supportive friend that i ended up completely disregarding my own capacity to take all that information and likely just wasted even more time of friends who really care about me and have devoted so much of their time to help me. this realization is incredibly disheartening and i feel like a horrible person, but there’s nothing i can do about it right now. all i can do is try to remember what they said, write it down, and work on myself from this point forward.

they talked about how a specific incident of something i did was disrespectful, confusing, and upsetting to them, and i get where they are coming from. when i hear what was said, i agree that the way i behaved was horrible. i tried to speak less than i listened and i did that well because i truly had no words, i just knew that i had messed up. however, i did want to get some things across to them:

• in the moment, i was very disconnected from the rest of the friend group, because i had been working while they were playing a game
• i did not realize this, but i was incredibly drained and upset from the day that i had and it took me discussing this with them to process and resurface that information
• i had seemed happy at the time to continue hanging out because, well, my friends make me happy, and i thought that being with them would alleviate some of the stress i was experiencing.

it did not help. if anything, it made it worse. because of the environment i grew up in, which was very strict and not comfort centric, i didn’t really get to set my own boundaries. i didn’t get to say what made me uncomfortable because i would be punished or called dramatic.

as they mentioned, that lack of self-awareness caused me to put myself in a situation that i did not need to be in. i ended up acting very selfishly and crassly in front of a guest and completely disrespecting everyone there by interrupting their conversation and my demeanor at the time made me come off as careless to their comfort. it was if i had no social awareness in that moment whatsoever, and it made the rest of the night incredibly awkward and tense. i was on a frighteningly different page than everyone else around me, mostly very close, respected friends, and it took me back to my childhood days when i believed everyone hated me.

in response to this as well as the conversation, and in the best interest of my friends because i care about them very deeply and did not intend for this to happen or to come off this way, i’m trying once more to figure out a way to improve my self and social awareness, to reconnect with myself and others— because the truth is, i’m completely alienated.

at any given time, i don’t know what i want other than maybe some surface level things. i don’t really know who i am and i usually just go with the crowd because i don’t really think i care about what happens, even if i do subconsciously. i’ve been told i am a pushover who just goes along with things to either make others happy or get people off my case. i’m not good at dealing with conflicts and oftentimes come out of them worse than when i went in. i’m like a husk, a punching bag, a puppet, whatever metaphor would work here.

i’m not sure how to find myself, or if i ever even had a “self.” everything feels remarkably uncertain and vague, and i find myself wishing i could just disappear off of the face of the earth most days. i’m worried about my future, my relationships, my career, my academics, honestly everything. i do a lot of worrying, and i’ve been told it’s about the things that are least important. but as the days go on now, i’m starting to find myself caring less and less, which is extremely frightening for a child who grew up as a gifted kid and all As. i feel like i’m just fighting to be happy and survive, but i don’t even know how to find happiness anymore.

i think my friends make me happy. i don’t know, i really don’t trust my emotions anymore. little things, like my interests, can make me happy, especially space. i’ve wanted to work with space and understand it ever since i learned what it was. now i find myself wishing that i’d never signed up for a more academically rigorous environment, and wishing that i simply just didn’t exist. life is becoming so overwhelming to bear, and i don’t know why i ever thought that i’d be able to handle an ivy league college like MIT. all i do now is procrastinate, play video games, and sleep. i don’t eat right and i don’t take care of myself very well. i try to get my work started on time and do well but most days i just can’t find the energy to do any of it. even now, as i write this, i’m behind on an assignment because i wanted to put myself first, for once.

overall, i’m very confused, hurt, lost, scared, intensely anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed with emotion. and i feel like there’s nothing i can do.

my mom doesn’t want me to have a therapist without her being there. my mom is not in a position to afford a therapist. my mom believes i won’t have time for therapy because of my schedule. i don’t even know if therapy would work for me. i’m just desperate to fix things and turn my life around, but the more i fail the more and more i’m starting to think that it’s hopeless, and i’m meant to give up. i want to be a good person, i truly do, and i want to have friends, a job, and a nice life. but it’s beginning to seem more appealing to walk the other direction the more odds that stack up against me.

and i don’t even think i should be allowed to say this. i have a family that’s well off financially now, and i’m constantly told that i’m privileged and ungrateful. there are people going through much worse than me. and yet, i still feel so hopeless, miserable, and exhausted. completely burnt out, even after having a two week break. and i never feel replenished. it’s horrible.

i’m truly lost.

that’s why i’m trying to reach out. i don’t know what to do and i’m very scared of ruining everything i worked so hard to achieve. i dedicated myself to a life of academics and now i feel as though i’m ruining it by running out of steam. i’m running out of options and try as i may, nothing seems to be working. but deep down, i truly do want to get better and improve, for the sake of myself, my friends, and my family. i fear what will happen if i do not.

thank you, if you’ve read this far, for listening to me. i deeply appreciate it, and wish you a wonderful day.