Breaking the circle...advice please
Hi,
I'm fairly new here (okay REALLY new) and seem to be battling the same things over & over. Pretty sure it's just me and my expectations, so I need some help figuring out how to:
a) Lower my expectations
b) Appropriately communicate when I feel like I'm totally not being heard/listened to
I won't bore anyone with a long story. Basically, I physically need assistance & just moved into a new house. My daughter & her bf live with me but are kind of just putting things away wherever they decide; we'll talk about how to fix something & they'll do it totally different than we talked about. I paid for the house. I pay the bills. We have talked about these things a few times but it seems to keep goign back to them doing the same thing. How do I best communicate my feelings/thoughts on this and how do I handle when they go against what we talked about?
Exactly. Pushing the "Don't Care Anymore" button. Not that it matters to anyone else but me. See? There's that expectations thing. Why do I expect someone else to care? BecauseI do??? Whatever.
(1) don't bring up that you paid for the house and bills. They know you did, and it will just put them on the defensive. (2) ask a polite question with a smile. :) "Hey Daughter, I remember talking and deciding that the potato sculpture was going to go next to the original Van Gogh. I see that you put it in the wine cellar. Can you let me know why you thought it would be better there? :) "
I don't know why they aren't listening, you probably do, but shining a little light on the situation, without stomping too hard on their feelings, may allow them to fess up as to why they're doing what their doing.
Congratulations, by the way, on your new home!
Thank you, that's good advice, I appreciate it.
We did talk some. I think the thing about me paying for the house is a big deal to me because I paid cash for it & have pretty much nothing left and am not physically able to work...heck, I can't even do much around the house for more than an hour.
I love my daughter's bf, but he's older than she is and I can't help but think a lot of it comes from him. He's used to being independent and they are behaving as if it is THEIR house. It was mentioned that I don't seem to 'appreciate the things they are doing to help'. I explained that if we talk and agree on something & something else is done, it's harder for me to find stuff, etc. Also, if I'm asked, and I tell them, then something else is done-it's like me asking what they want for dinner, they say spaghettiand I make liver & onions. I thought a light bulb went off with that, but when we were working on re-doing the pantry, bf asked about painting it first...I told him that was not a priority...he made is case, I disagreed and he left the kitchen to do something else. Didn't see him again that night.
Gonna be a long road. Thanks for the congrats! It's my first house all on my own.
Ha! It sounds like you have it under control. 
With the BF, and this may not be a problem for you (it used to be for me), if he has reacted like the way you described, there may be other such negative reactions in the long road ahead, and maybe even some less, um, passive. Promise yourself ahead of time that you will never lose your temper with him, or point out his silly behavior. Firstly, once his emotion from the situation has dissipated, he will likely realize he lost his cool, and will be embarrassed by it. Of course, the goal is not his embarrassment. We just hope that his recognition of his behavior, and that he is ultimately disappointed in it, will lead him to more constructive behavior in the future. But, if YOU ever lose your temper, you will lose the moral high ground. They will not care that you acted that way in response to a legitimate reason (e.g., they gave you onions for the 14th time). They will only remember that you lost your cool, and may forever use it as a hammer against you to minimize the value of your perspective. Tell yourself ahead of time (it is too hard to remember in the heat of emotions), that you will be patient with him, no matter how poorly he behaves.
Soon, it will be spaghetti all day, every day.
I am so impressed with the all-cash purchase. You must be from the no-debt generation. No friend to bankers, but friends to their own peace of mind! Take care.
Well, my daughter came into my room this morning & I asked about "the plan" as they are getting ready to head south for a few days with the plan of bringing someone back to help with painting. I mentioned yesterday that I am concerned about the painting part because as it is a friend, he would be taking less payment for painting here than if he were to stay south for "real jobs" and that we aren't fully ready to paint. I told dd I am feeling like we are back to samsiesas a couple days ago given that bf just walked away last night. She said she would get him so we all could talk. Next thing I know, I hear them talking (loudly, not 'fighting', mind you-but loud talking)...haven't seen/heard from either since (this was about an hour ago).
As for the cash purchase-I have horrible credit and have not worked due to a knee/leg injury since last year. I ended up using my inheritance so I would not have to worry about a roof over my head.
Can I just say really really super thank you for this conversation with me...your words are helping so much right now.
You're most welcome. I am being a little selfish though. Talking to you, and others on 7Cup, is helping me stop thinking about my own loss. So, thank YOU. I knew it was true intellectually, but for me, it has been such a thankful eye-opener to find that focusing on others has allowed me to salve my own wounds. Can you tell that I am crying now? I better find someone else to focus on. Thank you.
As for the loudness, that sounds like the type of less-passive behavior we thought might happen. Try your best to not get caught up in his emotion. To borrow a phrase, cooler heads always prevail.